My (20F) bf (28M) started dating back in July 2020, he broke up with me by April 2021, and we came back in December 2021. In that time, I ended up hooking up with two other people.
Now, my boyfriend is very insecure with himself due to past abusive relationships and family issues that destroyed most of his self esteem, along with depression and anxiety making everything harder. Particularly, he thinks his d isn’t big, and is very self conscious about it, saying that he doesn’t satisfy me and that I’m crazy to want to be with him (this is important later).
Fast forward to the hiatus, I get a phone call from him one day, to talk about a dinner our friends were planning and he asks if I went on dates or if I hooked up with anyone, and I told him that I had.. he then proceeds to ask details, to which I give some (said mainly it was painful, underwhelming and that I didn’t like it one bit) and we stop talking about it.
In December, he says that he still loves me and that he wants to date me again. I was reluctant at first, but said yes, cause I truly never stopped loving him.
The issue here is that he thinks my actions and my words are hypocritical, since things with him were special, but then I went on to hook up with other people without even a date first, and even tho it wasn’t being good, I didn’t stop it. Added to the fact that my sex drive is very high, he believes 100% I’ll just leave him for some dude that does sex better than he does.
I don’t know what else to do to try and tell him that I won’t leave him for anyone, cause he is getting really anxious and can’t stay in a relationship where he doesn’t trust his partner. I wanna marry him someday, and have his kids, but I’m not being able to convince him and make he trust me again, when I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong.
Please help.
TLDR: insecure bf stopped trusting me because I had one night stands during our hiatus, and he thinks I’m being hypocritical because I said stuff with him was special.
14 comments
A relationship without trust is nothing but issues.
He seems to be a 🚩
He’s always going to be insecure, that’s his issue to deal with.
Sounds like he isn’t mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship right now. He should be in therapy to work on his insecurities. You can’t do anything to fix this, because the problem is entirely his mental health. Either he puts the work in to fix it and be capable of a good relationship or he doesn’t and you two have a miserable and hopefully short time together. Don’t try to convince him – hold him accountable. Tell him you can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you, so either he starts working on your trust issues or you agree, this won’t work out. Because that is the simple truth of reality.
He’s a grown man. He can either take steps to manage his insecurities in a healthy way, or he can be single.
> “In December, he says that he still loves me and that he wants to date me again. I was reluctant at first, but said yes, cause I truly never stopped loving him.
The issue here is that he thinks my actions and my words are hypocritical, since things with him were special, but then I went on to hook up with other people without even a date first, and even tho it wasn’t being good, I didn’t stop it. Added to the fact that my sex drive is very high, he believes 100% I’ll just leave him for some dude that does sex better than he does. ”
He is a big baby. There is no excuse for him to be thinking this way at 28. He has no right to be mad that you didn’t stay chaste for *most of a year* after *HE BROKE UP WITH YOU*.
Can I add to this, when I was 28, I couldn’t stand to date anyone under 22-24. Your age gap is like, not terrible but not exactly good either. It goes to show that he hasn’t matured much past 20 either. Btw, I’ve been cheated on a lot, so i get it and i understand the scars it leaves. But it also taught me not do ask questions I didn’t want the answer to. He needs to grow up, go to therapy, and date people his own age.
Dump him. He will get more controlling.
You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s incredibly insecure.
Let him know that the outcome of your relationship will be far more influenced by his insecurity than his sexual performance: If he keeps trying to convince you that you don’t love him, eventually he will be successful. It won’t have anything to do with his sexual performance, but everything to do with his lack of confidence in himself and the relationship by extension.
This man needs a therapist, not a gf. So many red flags, and it’s not your job to fix the underlying problems causing them. You did absolutely nothing wrong, but it sounds like no amount of words or actions are going to reassure him of your feelings. He has to heal his trauma first. Encourage therapy. Take a look at the Wheel of Power to ensure his insecurities are not amounting to manipulation or emotional abuse; it can be really easy to lose track of your own emotional health when trying to help someone else overcome trauma. Good luck!
Edited typos. And YIKES just realized I misread his age. At 28 he’s that upset?? To quote Obama Mae, you in danger, girl.
Leave him. He already is sounding controlling and it seems like he’s going to keep bringing this up in future conversations. Insecurity will ruin this relationship and it won’t end up well.
You shouldn’t leave him for another person.. you should leave him because he’s unhinged.
Your boyfriend is incredibly immature for being nearly 30 and I don’t think he is worth your time. You were split for over half a year and only briefly saw two other people. You did absolutely nothing wrong and his insecurity is not on you.
If this weird trust issue thing isn’t something he can get over than he will never be able to have a healthy relationship. If you want to persevere through it and try to help him get over it than be my guest, but tbh he’s almost a decade older than you and someone else may make you more happy
There’s nothing for him to forgive you for. You didn’t do anything wrong and there’s no reason for him to “not trust ” you. You didn’t cheat on him and had no idea he would ever want to come back once you broke up.
I would literally just tell him flat ” get over it. What I did when we wernt together is not any of your business and I don’t have anything to fix to make you trust me again because I did nothing wrong to you “.
Don’t even bat an eye, just don’t stay or get back with this guy. Definitely red flags. You’re very young and will have many more opportunities of finding love – healthy love. I married at 18 and my husband was 20. My husband and I both had A LOT to learn. He learned that he was interested in exploring his sexuality, and I learned that I am a previously extremely codependent person, but I found my independence. I focused on my career and now I own a home, and have a BBA six years later. If we stayed together we likely would have never found the true happiness and individual stability that we have now. And now we are best friends. He has found a good, healthy partner and so have I. I will always feel love for my ex-husband, neither of us holds any hard feelings or resentment. I am eternally happy for him!
Just a short story of how looking out for your best interest (on both sides) can have such benefit!
Best of luck!
No normal 26 year old starts dating a teenager.