So, like I said, my FIL has been treating me like s\*\*t for the last 6 weeks. It started after we got back from a family trip. We live together in the same house (for 3 years), and he stopped talking to my wife and I. He started talking to my wife again after a couple weeks, then finally told her he was mad at me cause I got angry when we were all in a van together (some cousins and other aunts/uncles too) on our trip and I raised my voice and was upset because everyone, including my FIL, was giving me a hard time about bringing the car around late to pick them up. He told her “he (me) shouldn’t have gotten mad, he needs to respect his elders.” My wife admitted this was a stupid reason for him to be mad, and she barely remembered the incident, but suggested I apologize. So, after working up to it I apologized. He acknowledged he was upset about it and said it was done and in the past. So I thought that was it.
The apology happened around Father’s Day. But then, last week Thursday, we had a home inspection on the new house we’re buying. My wife asked my FIL to be there because he was a general contractor and handyman. He put up a little bit of a fuss and he said “You already bought it, why do I need to see it?” But my wife insisted, so he came. At the inspection he didn’t talk to me at all, did not follow the inspector, realtor, and I as we toured the house, only looked at a few things and made a few comments, then left without telling me. I told my wife this. Then, the next day, my wife is crying and upset because she said she had an argument with my FIL. He was upset that she ‘forced’ him to be there even though he didn’t want to go. And then, without explaining how the discussion went this way (she was very upset), she said that she tried to tell him that he shouldn’t be treating me so rudely, that I’m a good husband and father, that I don’t deserve this treatment, etc. But she said that he just kept saying that “he’s (me) different”, “I don’t care”, “It will be better when you leave because then you won’t have to deal with me any longer”. I got upset and took it personally, as I felt that he was basically saying that he just doesn’t like me/my personality and he is upset at having to help me. I asked my wife what I could do, and she said nothing, unless I’m going to change everything about who I am.
So this leads into the background. My FIL and I are very different. He’s a very rough, gruff, surly ‘tough’ guy who never went to college and worked his whole life in construction. I’m in marketing, went to a private high school, my parents are both teachers with doctorates, and I like reading, writing, and sports. The beginning of our relationship was fine, he treated me about as well as I would have expected someone like him to treat the guy dating his daughter, sleeping at his house, and then moving back into his house. I always knew he didn’t really approve of me not being as handy or as ‘tough’ as him, but I just let it go, because it never really came out. When we were living in different places for 8 years, he would come every so often and help with some home improvement projects, and we generally got along. Things were much more tense after we moved home and moved into his house to save money to buy our own place. I think there were things both of us did that annoyed each other, but it never really became a big thing. Except about 2 years ago, when our son was 1 yo, he stopped talking to me until I confronted him about it and he said it was because “I’m always watching him” when he’s with my son. He thought I didn’t trust him, but actually I just liked watching them play together.
More background on my FIL. He does this all the time to his family and friends. My wife’s mom and him got divorced over 30 years ago, and he hasn’t said a word to her since then. He still cannot be in the same room, and my wife said that at her college graduation, he left when her mother arrived. When my BIL was 20, he took some money from my FIL; my FIL kicked him out of the house and didn’t speak to him for years. My BIL is 40 now, and things between them are great. He cut out one of his golf buddies for ‘cheating’…my FIL never saw the cheating, just heard it from other people, and never talked to him about it…just stopped playing with the guy. During the divorce, my BIL (then 10) told the judge that my FIL had guns in the house (which was true and my MIL was using it against him)…my FIL told his son that he was “dead to him” and treated him poorly for years…favoring my wife instead.
So now there’s me. Talking to my wife, my BIL, and my MIL they all just kind of nod their head and say, “Yeah…this is what he does…he did it to us too.” Obviously, my wife and BIL just keep forgiving him because otherwise, he’s a good father: supports them financially, spends quality time with them, and is generally nice when they are around. But I’m not his child, and I am very angry with him and the situation. I think about it constantly and am consumed with thoughts of how I’ll get revenge for his treatment of me these last six weeks. To be clear, he hasn’t actually said anything to me. He just ignores me, walks away when I try to say something, and leaves the room when I come around. I do the same. My wife tells me, “There’s nothing you can do. He’s an asshole. You didn’t do anything. Just give him space and don’t be rude and don’t touch his stuff.” But I can’t stand it. I am constantly fantasizing about ways to hurt him (not physically). He loves our son (2.5 y.o) and treats him wonderfully. My FIL watches him one day a week so we can work, and give the other grandparents a break. But I’m seriously thinking of telling my FIL he can no longer see my son after we move out of the house: 1. Because I know that will hurt him real bad – and 2. because I honestly don’t want to subject my son to his tantrums when my son is old enough to actually upset my FIL and understand what my FIL is doing.
I don’t know what to do. Staying silent is killing me, and I feel like I’m being treated really unfairly, and I feel like doing nothing is just allowing my FIL to perpetuate this terrible behavior without any consequences. But I know that if I say something to him, or do something to hurt him, it will really hurt my wife and BIL…and he will probably NEVER forgive me or speak to me again.
tl:dr – FIL won’t speak to me over trivial matter and just basically doesn’t like me. Wife says to just let it go, but I am going crazy and can’t stand the idea of him getting away with this again.
8 comments
I didn’t read your whole thing but I think living in his house for 3 years was too long and finally got to him. This “trivial matter” has built up. Best to be polite and stop being butt hurt by something you cannot change. Do not ask him for more favors.
No it’s not cool that he gives people the silent treatment instead of communicating but it sounds like hes done a lot for you and your wife. He doesn’t like you very much and you don’t like him, that’s fine, you don’t have to be friends but I think if anything you should focus on both of you needing to be respectful of each other going forward if you are going to have any kind of relationship.
I think once you move out and get space it will be better for your relationship overall.
I suggest communicating, since he seems incapable of doing so. And letting him know your boundaries. Boundaries does not mean revenge or punishment, so if your wife expects you to say nothing and pretend everything is OK then you have other problems you need to work through as a couple.
3 years is long time for adults to share a home. Things will get better with some space.
NEVER use a child as weapon. It’s horrible, and it will screw your child up mentally in the long run. I cannot stress this enough.
I read everything you wrote and honestly I’d say count your blessings and move out. He’s insufferable and won’t become a nice guy in his 70’s. At least he doesn’t sound like those narcissistic in-laws we see here every day, you can just ignore him with no drama. It sucks because you’re in fact being treated unfairly, but the problem is not you, as your wife, BIL and MIL already told you. But don’t use your kid against him, I personally think it would be kinda of ungrateful of you to do that, and damaging to your child, as others have said. Your relationship will probably be civil once you’re out of his house.
You’re in a shitty situation and it’s understandable that you’re upset, however one of the big things I urge you to think about when it comes to any type of action is “What purpose will this serve, what effect would it have?”
First thing is, as soon as you can just get out of his house. While it’s a great idea to stay with family to save up for a home , especially in today’s economy, it’s also probably a part of the reason he’s quick to get angry with you. Even if not consciously thinking it, he may feel as though you owe him already. So things like picking him up late, asking for more of his help, and him thinking you don’t trust him with his own grandson probably hits a part of his ego. Something that is painfully clear with the way he handles everyone in his life.
On that note, this is probably WHY your wife and her family say to let it go. There would be no point in trying to change his mind or get him to see things differently because it just won’t happen. Not everyone listens to reason and many will only double down when confronted. Trying to confront him or retaliate in any way will probably only leave you feeling unsatisfied or even angrier at their belligerence. Trust me, as I just had a grandfather who even on his death bed would not hear an ounce of criticism from his family about his past and would just say “well you’re wrong”. You can drop the mic all you want, but the other person can just never get on stage to begin with.
As for your son, just raise him to be someone who can understand and decide for himself the character of others. Using him as a weapon isn’t healthy for him, you, your wife, or your family. Raise him to be a better person and he will eventually see his grandfather for who he is.
TL;DR Your father in law is a douchebag, and everyone knows him as a douchebag. He doesn’t like you. Don’t sink to his level because he’ll beat you with experience of being a douchebag. Be better, move on, and move the fuck out.
Hey, I spent 6 years with my FIL. Everything became an argument. Everything became shit. Almost ruined our relationship (same age gap as you).
And honestly… gaining more space (which i know seems impossible especially if your wife is comfortable) is the right move. Even if you lose money. I mean… it could eventually lead to marital issues. Stuff piles
Lol and people like to say it’s only women who are dramatic smh.
Sorry dude, I don’t know what to tell you other than just try to ignore him. He probably feeds off peoples’ reactions to his bs and likes when they try to apologize and suck up to him.
I would really try to move out.
Meh, seems like the classic grumpy old fart who wants to throw his perceived authority around. Your wife is right: sometimes it’s better to apologize even if you’re not the guilty one, because it will get him off your back.
>I got upset and took it personally, as I felt that he was basically saying that he just doesn’t like me/my personality and he is upset at having to help me. I asked my wife what I could do, and she said nothing, unless I’m going to change everything about who I am.
You’re being way too dramatic. Yes, he doesn’t like you. And? Why does it matter? Let him grumble and let his comments fall on deaf ears. Why does it matter if he doesn’t like you? You didn’t marry him. And before you say anything: I’ve had to deal for a long time with two grumpy old farts who were even MORE annoying than your FIL.
>Talking to my wife, my BIL, and my MIL they all just kind of nod their head and say, “Yeah…this is what he does…he did it to us too.” Obviously, my wife and BIL just keep forgiving him because otherwise, he’s a good father:
Stop complaining about it to your wife; she knows how he is, she grew up with him, she doesn’t need you heaping more negativity onto her. They aren’t “forgiving him”, they’re acknowledging that he’s a shitty person and they can’t do anything about it beside tolerate it, because they want him in their lives.
>But I’m not his child, and I am very angry with him and the situation. I think about it constantly and am consumed with thoughts of how I’ll get revenge for his treatment of me these last six weeks. To be clear, he hasn’t actually said anything to me. He just ignores me, walks away when I try to say something, and leaves the room when I come around. […] I am constantly fantasizing about ways to hurt him (not physically).
Jesus Christ, dude, chill out. Find another way to manage your anger instead of seething about it and making revenge plans (wtf). I feel so sorry for her wife, having to deal with her father AND you at the same time. She must be stressed to heaven and back.
>I’m seriously thinking of telling my FIL he can no longer see my son after we move out of the house: 1. Because I know that will hurt him real bad
Don’t be a shitty parent. Just…don’t. If you use your kid for revenge, you’re a shitty parent. You don’t really care as much about your kid “not seeing FIL’s tantrums” as you care about using him as a tool for revenge, here. Don’t lie to yourself or us about this.
I know you won’t like hearing it, but with some people you can’t reason and it’s not worth to get angry about it, because you are the only one getting upset and you’re making your wife even more miserable. He doesn’t care. Get your head out of your ass and support your wife instead of being angry at your FIL.