The title sounds silly lol
I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about six months, but we’ve been together almost two years. We went to high school together and finally started dating in 2020, so I’ve known him for a very long time.
I always knew he loved games and anime and smoking, but I don’t feel like it was put into perspective until I moved in with him. I knew he played a lot, but like I hadn’t seen it if that makes sense.
In the beginning, he would make sure to check on me and give me affection every so often. I was appreciative and it felt like I was not forgotten in his mind.
But soon I just got bored. I don’t do anything but care for him. I cater to him in every way every single day. I clean the entire apartment, I do the laundry, I take out the trash, and I clean “water pipes” all so that he doesn’t have to worry about it and maybe I’ll get some smooches out of it. He has all the same opportunities to do all that I do, and even says he’ll do them. However I have yet to see any of that happen.
I have vague interests and hobbies that we seldom explore together because it either never comes up or he’ll switch topics. He talks about his stuff literally all the time, which at first I was ok with because I usually found I had nothing to talk about.
He does work, in fact we work together. But the second we get home from work he’s on his computer. He will literally sit there for 12 hours without eating, drinking, or pissing. I know this because I decided to experiment and just leave him be and not say anything to see what would happen.
I even experimented on what would happen if only he chose to kiss me, and in the last 96 hours I have received maybe like 5 kisses.
(I’m very psychology minded and I only do these blind experiments to develop an understanding on his behavior.)
I’ve talked to him about it, saying I feel second to his computer. I asked him if his computer would bend over backwards for him, if it would comfort him while he’s upset, if it would go to the store if he needed something. I told him that I understand that it’s a big part of who he is, and I love him so I of course need to love this, but it honestly sometimes feels neglectful.
When he’s been on for too long, I sometimes ask for affection and to cuddle. He says, “Of course! Hold on,” and then proceeds to play games for another four hours. But when he finally comes to lay with me, he falls asleep. So finally, he’s with me but I am not receiving the attention I need.
It may also be relevant to add that he does have a skin problem that’s been going on for months. We’ve been to several doctors and they have no idea what it is. He’s been incredibly itchy and irritated and its really hard to maintain and work with. He says that playing games helps to distract him from itching and making it worse. I understand that, and that’s why I’m torn.
It feels silly writing this, but what can I do to make this better? I want to set a boundary, but I don’t know what it would be. I want him to want to hear what I have to say, and I want him to cherish me like he has before. I’m worthy of that, I think. I want to work on this with him and ensure that all of our need can be met and that we both feel happy.
TL;DR: My boyfriend of two years plays video games more than he hangs out with me. I want to fix it.
Let me know if you need further context, and please leave me some advice!
9 comments
I don’t honestly think it sounds like he’s in an capacity to be anything more than what he is now. His age is the time that guys can tend to just be glued to their games, which is why they’re not usually in serious relationships living with their partner. Of course there is always communication and therapy if you can swing it, but you can’t force him to see the problem. You can only talk. I would also start *not* doing everything for him. There’s no reason to become his maid. He can clean after himself.
This is not on YOU to fix. This is on HIM to change.
You’ve already told him that you don’t feel like he gives you enough attention, yes? So what does it say about his feelings for you that he’s still doing the one thing he already knows is upsetting to you and makes you feel like you’re not a priority?
And what makes you think we can tell you the magic words if he isn’t listening to you anyway?
At somepoint you need to give an ultimatum. Either start making time for us or choose your games. Games are escapism. I have/had this problem. Wife and i came to an agreement. I could have the games as long i take a break for camping trips visiting family we dont hate etc.
Gaming, anime, smoking? Is he 15?
Video games are an actual addiction hurting kids these days.
Move out.
If he makes an effort to see you and hang out, then on some level he does care. And maybe he has a video game addiction. It’s really common nowadays for people to have that. And he needs to limit his gaming time to like 4 hours max a day instead of 12. He should still have time for his hobby. But at the same time, if that’s all he does, that’s not healthy. And it doesn’t give him any room for anything else. And you guys need to explore other hobbies together. Get out of the house. Go do something active. Join a club. Volunteer somewhere. Go for a hike. Literally do something, anything, rather than sit at home 24/7.
If he makes no effort once you move out, he’s been using you as a live in maid while he can coast only putting in the bare minimum.
But whatever you do, don’t move back in with him. Not until he’s actually shown you he’s not playing for 12 hours a day anymore and he’s a functional adult. Which could never happen or it could takes years. You just don’t know. You should see moving out as a permanent thing.
A relationship can’t function like that. I’m massively into games and anime myself, but if he wants to be in a relationship with you he needs to be spending time with you. If he doesn’t enjoy it, or prefers to just play all the time instead of being with you, you should just leave him. If you’re feeling charitable let him know that this is how you feel and he either allocates enough time to you that you feel satisfied, or you leave.
You need to leave, full stop. This is a tale as old as time:
Guy is a video game addict and plays inexorable amount of video games and neglects gf who dotes on him. She bargains to the point of begging. He doesn’t respond. She leaves.
Guy realizes what he’s lost and begs for her to return with promise of change. She gives in and returns. Changes lasts 2 weeks as he slowly slides.
Rinse and repeat. Just save yourself time and leave now. You’ll be kicking yourself sooo hard when you are in a good relationship later on why you waited so long.
>I don’t do anything but care for him. I cater to him in every way every single day. I clean the entire apartment, I do the laundry, I take out the trash, and I clean “water pipes” all so that he doesn’t have to worry about it and maybe I’ll get some smooches out of it.
Why are you wasting your time being his bangmaid? Like what are *you* getting out of this relationship that’s positive?
He has an excellent situation all worked out.
You? NOT SO MUCH.
exit is the only choice.