I’m 32 M and so is my housemate, we’re childhood friends and him and his family did a hell of a lot for me during my rough childhood. We grew up in the sticks where there were no opportunities, I moved away and he stayed there. I ended up getting a job near the closest city, moved back down and started renting a house. I didn’t need a housemate but invited him up to stay because of the opportunities around here and he was getting depressed and wallowing down there.
The problem is i’m dating and it usually goes that i’ll meet somebody, we’ll have an amazing couple of weeks and then somehow they end up meeting my housemate by chance. Usually they’ll be staying the night and he’ll be in the lounge. I always try and make it like a quick introduction but he loves to chat. Like its very hard to get away from him once he starts regaling you with some tale or another and we bounce off each other with the early stage stories, like a bit of a double act.
The trouble is he drinks a hell of a lot and does coke, so the chat will always start off pleasantly enough and quickly degrades through two stages, the first is where he tries to big me up to them. however he pretty much always reads the women I date wrong, I usually date like smart, left wing, alternative women. He seems to think are impressed by derring-do driving exploits, tales of fist fights, physical strength or borderline criminal activities from our youth. He does this to all our mates and you stop him by telling him to STFU or a quick jab in the arm.
However by this point he’ll be pretty wasted and start coming out with random immature racist jokes, homophobia, mysogyny or some other crap that isn’t actually his worldview, but when he’s wasted thinks being as obnoxious as possible is hilarious, he’ll offer out home made tattoos, ask them when their moving in, refer to them constantly as ‘km6669 missus/girlfriend/woman’, invite them to a load of family or friend events, start telling them about my exes etc. He’ll impose himself on us and where usually he goes to bed very early for work, he’ll keep going into the small hours, its not a cockblock but I prefer having a few hours ahead of me without it ending up something stupid like 5am.
I dont want to kick him out but I can’t tolerate it either. When he’s sober he’s very self consious and sensitive to critisism, to the point where I think if I said anything to him sober he’d leave, when he’s drunk he can take critisism, promises to change and then gets more wasted and forgets all about it. But i’m getting sick of it, and he always seems genuinely shocked when I tell him things finished with whoever.
​
TLDR How do I make my housemate aware that his obnoxious behavior around women I date is sabotaging me without having to kick the dude out.
4 comments
You two have been friends long enough for you to just tell him straight up like it is. If he’s ruining any potential relationships for you constantly in this manner, tell him what it is. Hold nothing back and keep it real with him
A good friend will heed your advice and stop acting like a dick. If he doesn’t stop, it’s time to go. It’s pretty cut and dry here
People don’t just start believing homophobic and misogynistic things because they’re drunk, they believe those things all along and say them when they’re feeling emboldened by alcohol. I think you should stop bringing people around your friend and tell him straight up that some of the things he says are unacceptable.
I hate it when I am drunk and I turn into a racist and sexist even though I am really not 🙄 Please, I don’t think any drug (or combination of drugs lol) I’ve ever ingested has made me change my politics for an hour or two….
If I was dating you, it’s not your house mate that would send me running, it’s your inability to set simple boundaries and your taste in friends/room mates. I do think this is all a reflection of you as a partner.
You can tell him how you feel, but you’re not going to change your friend when the issue is so deep. It sounds like he needs some professional help and already has enough information about how his behavior is coming off to know his drinking isn’t cute, but he’s choosing not to do anything about it. He’s disrespecting you, you’re tip toeing around the issue in your own home.
I think it’s really weird you live with another adult when it’s not a financial necessity and that adult is having such a negative impact on your love/sex life. And you’re still trying to keep him around. Just cut the cord and move on with your life. I would think it’s a red flag you need a homeboy around you 24/7 no matter how chaotic his energy is. I would take that as a sign that you didn’t respect yourself.
Let me recap “my druggie alcoholic roommate holds my dates hostage and scares them but I don’t want to do or say anything that will change the status quo but I also want to get laid”.
Why are you friends with such a terrible person? Send him back home to his parents.