So it seems like there’s always a problem when I (F21) want to go out with friends. I always get comments like “am I not invited?” “you don’t want to hang out with me?” “when are you coming home?” “we were supposed to hang out”
The last time I hung out with a girlfriend it was like February and she invited me to sleep over because we were really drunk. I warned her that my boyfriend wouldn’t like it so she called him asking for permission. He told her he was sick and wanted me to come home. He had a common cold. But I went anyway of course, it just sucked that he guilt tripped me and her like that.
I absolutely hate telling him I want to be with friends because I don’t want to be guilt tripped. I’ve basically avoided it completely. Tomorrow I’ve planned to meet up with a girlfriend I haven’t seen since November, we are gonna chill and go to the beach. I was planning on hanging out with my boyfriend but i really want to hang out with her.
I told him I wanted to see her and he was offended. I’m going anyway but again, it reeallly sucks that I have to go through this every time I want to be with my friends. I have to admit my social life has really slowed down since we moved in together a year ago. He doesn’t really have friends but I completely encourage him to be with them when he is asked.
I just wish he said “cool, have fun babe! I love you!” that’s really never happened unless he is very busy himself (which is like never). He actually isn’t encouraging to anything that doesn’t include him.
I have talked to him about this.
TDLR: I (F21) always dread telling my boyfriend (M26) I have plans with my friends because he always guilt trips me. I’m meeting up with a girlfriend tomorrow and he gave me a hard time about it. My social life is pretty much dead since we moved together and I just don’t know what to do. I just wish he encouraged me more.
36 comments
He sounds very insecure and is eating up your personal space. You’re also allowing him to do so..
Not sure if you just wanted to vent but there is only two ways this can go (therapy or breakup).
>I warned her that my boyfriend wouldn’t like it so she called him asking for permission
**Buzzer sound**
Nope, absolutely not. He is not your father and you do need permission. Cut this loser loose.
This is controlling, and you need to tell him that it is. Explore whatever feelings he’s harboring; fear of abandonment? Insecure attachment? And then reassure him that you’ll still have plenty of time with him. But he needs to stop stifling you.
This is not normal relationship behavior. My boyfriend and I are with each other the majority of the time, but we happily support each other in getting drinks with friends, leaving the state to see family, etc
Gross. Do you really want to spend the *rest of your life* having to justify that sometimes you need human company besides him?? Because that’s what your life is going to turn into if you stay with this guy.
People like this don’t just magically change. You know because you’ve already tried talking to him about it.
I’ll never understand why people put up with garbage behavior like this.
Just in case you’re wondering, there are guys out there that don’t do this. Go find one.
If you’ve talked to him about this and he hasn’t fixed it, then you should consider breaking up. But if you aren’t ready to break up, tell him from now on, you won’t damage your social life for him any more, either he fits into your life or the relationship does not work. Then no more asking permission. Just inform him, hey, I’ll be out on Tuesday, I’ll see you <whenever you will next see him>” And then go on with your life. Try living a real life with a healthy social life and either your relationship survives it or your relationship was never meant to be.
Oh dear. I just realized that I’ve replied to one of your other threads about this same loser.
Girl, WHY are you still with this guy? How many more red flags are you going to pass before you finally realize he’s a moron???
I remember this feeling. It doesn’t get better and he’ll never be happy that you’re happy without him. I’m sorry but you need to open your mind to breaking up and freeing yourself.
Ah the beginning stages of isolation. Let me tell you, for the first time in over a YEAR and a HALF I went to the pool with two female coworkers (I’m also f) and I spent the entire time jumping looking over my shoulder every time a car went by. They asked if I wanted to go get tacos and I told them I wasn’t allowed. The amount of trouble I’m in, is stupid. But I’m making moves to get out. Don’t trap yourself, it only gets worse.
He doesn’t have friends and he guilt-trips you when you want to see your friends. These are some serious red flags. At best, he’s emotionally immature. At worst, he’s trying to isolate you by making it more trouble than it’s worth for you to see your friends. I’d dump him, but if you don’t, then proceed with caution.
Dread and boyfriend should never be in the same sentence. Say goodbye
> I just wish he said “cool, have fun babe! I love you!” that’s really never happened unless he is very busy himself (which is like never). He actually isn’t encouraging to anything that doesn’t include him.
I just want to reaffirm *this isn’t how most relationships work.* It’s EXTREMELY normal to go out without a boyfriend at your side. You’re still two individual people. He’s overbearing and borderline manipulative just from this post alone.
Get your exit plan finalized and get out of there.
Talk to him about it and try to set boundaries. Maybe consider couples counseling if you really love him.
If not definitely break up
He’s controlling and this is one of the very first warning signs of abuse.
Even if you don’t believe it’s abuse (it is), that’s fine. But do you really want to feel guilty every time you go out? Most people eventually give up and stop going out. And then they’re isolated from friends and family and anyone except their partner. And then you have no one to tell you that the relationship is kind of creepy or that something’s wrong.
Please for the love of god leave before this gets worse.
Girl he’s manipulative and toxic. My ex was the same. It only gets worse, don’t let him make you feel bad about having fun and having friends, and it’s not your fault he has none. There’s probably a reason for it.
This is bad. Really, really bad. HE IS CONTROLLING AND ISOLATING YOU. Get out before you waste your entire youth in a cage!!!!!!!! Someone who truly loved you wouldn’t behave like this *period*.
Girl. END THIS. He is gross and controlling and possessive.
Oh honey, no. I remember your other posts and you need to leave this person yesterday. Run and don’t look back.
Girl, this sounds exhausting. You have a chance to be in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel anxious, trapped, like your feelings don’t matter, and guilt over such an innocuous and positive thing as spending time with your friends. (The *best* relationships involve fully autonomous and fulfilled people who can operate without one another but love to be partners. Codependence isn’t romantic, it’s miserable.) Please don’t waste your youth on a shitty relationship. Learn the lessons you need and now get out.
Red flag 🚩controlling abusive gaslighting narcissist break up immediately etc
It does sound like you don’t follow through with your plans, hear your boyfriends thoughts but just “ do it anyways” BUT if everytime you want to go out and he guilt trips you, there are definitely some issues he needs to resolve before he’s ready for a healthy relationship. You’re young, go be single and grow, that’s my advice
Ok, this is straight up manipulation by him. He guilts you every single time, so you’ll eventually just stop seeing friends all together to avoid the fight. That’s his goal. Your total isolation. Extremely common abuse tactic. Next it will be your family is a problem, if you have one. Then, it’ll be you don’t need to work, you need to be totally dependent on him for everything so he has full and total control of your every move. This doesn’t get better. Get away from him and find a man that isn’t an insecure, immature, controlling, abusive AH.
Do you really want to deal with this for the rest of your life OP? It’s not going to improve so call it a day and move on.
I only go along when my SO is out with friends if she insists on it personally. They are her friends, I like them but they aren’t my buds.
It’s nice that she has people that don’t realise I’m fucking awesome and she’s lucky to have me. 😆
I feel this. I’m in a long distance and my day goes something like this. I wake up in the morning and he’s right there on my computer screen, then I take him to the bathroom with me to bathe ( that was my idea originally to just be fun and sexy sometimes but now it’s become the routine. He’s with while I get ready for work…. And on the hour long ride to work literally until I’m GOING INTO WORK. Then I have about 3 hours to myself until I’m expected to call in my lunch, and then a call once I’m off work…. The ride home… I get 15-20 minutes to get in the door to like poop in peace or something, then I’m back on the computer with him all night until we fall asleep. If I ever want to go do something he’s hyper paranoid that I’ll cheat on him or something which is bananas. Leave now dear. It doesn’t get better
You already know you should leave. With that in mind – get ready from a logistical standpoint. It sounds like you live together which makes it a little more complicated but not impossible to leave.
– figure out housing. Do you need to be removed from a lease/rental agreement? Where can you move after that’s done?
– ensure you’re financially stable (if you aren’t already). If he’s paying any of your bills then stop that shit now or put the equivalent in savings so you’re used to the money not being available in your account.
– make a safety plan. While he may not be physically abusive he certainly is emotionally at the very least. Leaving can be dangerous, be safe about it.
– get into therapy, if you can’t afford it look for low cost options in your area or look into domestic violence support groups. They have amazing information about all forms of abuse, recognizing red flags, etc. The best take away I’ve had from therapy after leaving an abusive relationship was owning my shit – why did I allow that treatment? What needed to be healed in me to value myself enough to not accept such a shitty relationship? Do the work, figure out those things and work on your shit. Educate yourself about red flags for all forms of abuse and you’ll be able to spot jerks like your current partner from a mile away.
Break up with him. He’s controlling and possessive. That’s not how you wanna live your life. I would understand if it was a once in a while thing, or if he had some surprise plans he didn’t tell you about to treat you or something, but every time? He doesn’t wanna share you. That’s a dangerous red flag.
Get yourself a new guy ! My ex would tell me when I was 22 now I am 25 that oh go hang with friends when I did he would say sarcastically have fun… and then wouldn’t text me the whole day. I stop hanging with alot of friends and family because he would be 2 face .. tell me like oh you don’t have any friends exc. And call me mean names now I am single and I feel better than ever I can hang with friends and I don’t need no person guit tripping except for my mom because she tends to do that.
If you already made plans with your boyfriend, you should honor them. Otherwise, hanging out with your friends from time to time without your boyfriend is normal.
Couples therapy might help him understand this perfectly normal boundary.
If he’s just being a controlling asshat, it’s better to break things off before he escalates his bad behaviour.
Just go, all relationships need some time apart, a few houtrs are not the end of the world, tell him to go out and have a guy night out there. Boom. Game over… Next question???
He is trying to isolate you from everyone but himself, he wants to have control over you and have you to himself. Leave him.
Read your own post ack to yourself and imagi e it’s someone you care about writing it… would your response not be “get out of this unhealthy relationship with that toxic guy”?
Sounds like he is codependent and relies on you for his social life. But if worded correctly, you want to break plans to hang out with friends instead. At 21, I’d say you’re probably not ready to live with someone.
If you really want it to work, couples therapy is a good start because he probably needs reassurance to understand that you hanging out without him isn’t a sign of not wanting to be around him or losing interest or wanting to cheat.
The easy way out is just break up. Depends on if you feel the relationship is worth it or not. We don’t know enough details to say.
You should invite him out with y’all
I left this same type of man after 6 years . 6 YEARS ! in 90 days after leaving him I met a guy and got married . We just celebrated 30 years , 3 kids and a 2nd grandbaby on the way . You know what I say when leaving the house ? “Babe , I’m meeting Lisa for lunch be back in a couple hours ” You know what he says ? Tell her I said hi !
He doesn’t call or text me while I’m out . He play Xbox or walks the dog or sits on the patio and enjoys his free time . Girl run from this as fast as you can . It’s going no where
He is 100% manipulating, controlling and galslighting you. The fact that you dread telling him you’re going out with friends or the fact that it sounds like you might be scared of what he will say if you do go out is a red flag and you should definitely run far away from this guy.
He is insecure and needy. Your relationship with him is not normal or healthy.
You are too young to have your life ruled by someone. Hell, you should never let someone rule your life like that no matter your age. I honestly feel you should break up with him. I am 24 and I wasted my best years from 19 till now with controlling men and I regret it so much. Rather have fun with your friends. Men will always be around and I’m sure you will find someone better in the years to come. The men only start getting better around 25 anyway.