Dealing with a partner overwhelmed in life.

15 comments

1. She’s letting politics affect her personal life. And apparently her emotional and mental life. Do you let politics affect your life? If not, it’s best to let her drift away.

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3. Maybe she is just not ready for a relationship and bitten off more than she can chew. It sucks enough when work already consumes a big portion of time to be spent on a relationship; if other things can piled on top of relationship priorities; maybe you should assess if this relationship is worth the effort.

   She can have her choices and so do you OP, cheers and take care.

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5. If she’s overwhelmed, I’d just give her space. Let her know you’re always up for something light as a distraction from what’s going on.

6. She’s not your partner, man, it’s just been a couple months and she’s trying to back out

7. Once I begin getting overwhelmed it’s very easy to spiral. I then feel bad for affecting my husband’s life with my descent into mental/emotional despair and distance myself from him out of a need to know I am not inconveniencing anyone with my feelings. I, of course, am causing him pain by not allowing him to comfort me, as he would like to, but my pain brain can’t figure that one out.
   You sound like a very kind and caring partner. Give her space, and occasionally let her know you care about her, regardless of how the relationship turns out (if this statement rings true for you, of course.) Sitting with people in their pain is more helpful than trying to fix or distract them from it, in my experience. You don’t have to understand or make it better, just being a solid presence of comfort is enough…if she will let you.
   Best of luck, I hope you two are able to make it through to the other side of this rough patch.

8. It is possible that she feels like the relationship requires a constant output of effort or thought from her. Which while generally true, when someone is having a hard time partners generally try to take the load off a little bit. Most like she simply does not want to”deal” right now. She doesn’t want to think, doesn’t want to take care of anyone, is taking her few moments to herself to simply exist.

   I had an insanely rough year and in my moments of space I wanted to relax, exist, not think. But I started to gravitate towards my partner more and more because he was insanely supportive, and also took a lot of initiative with that support. He shows up for me, asks what he can do, asks if he can do xyz cuz he know it sometimes helps, has been very okay to just doing boring relaxing things. And a lot of naps together and massages.

   My guess is she just isn’t comfortable/it has not been practice in your relationship to just lean on each other when one of you needs it. Ideally both parties are giving 110% to each other, but sometimes we just have nothing left to give, we don’t want to think about arranging dates, we don’t want to have to travel to visit, we have a low threshold for listening to xyz for the tenth time. She probably just has nothing to give *you*, and women especially often think that they can only be in a relationship while they have something to give/offer. And she sounds like she is barely taking care of herself.

   If you want to remain her partner you have to start learning how to take on more in the relationship, plan a thing, make it low-key, expect nothing of her. Hell skip the date and just go with her on her errands. Help find and carry, help her clean, show up for her.

   Or just let it go. But that is my bet as to what is happening, she has nothing to give you and that to her feels like the end of a two way relationship. The best way to handle that is to take care of them so they have a little more to give, even just quiet company.

9. From my personal experience, I’m just glad to hear you’re asking for advice on how to respect her needs. If you give her space to figure it out, while also letting her know that you’re there for her if she needs anything will go a long way. If this continues on for longer than a month, considering it’s only been a couple months since you started seeing each other, it might just not work. As a woman who gets overwhelmed very easily, I can sometimes spiral when thinking about my relationship and it can cause resentment if I don’t communicate that. In a new relationship, especially as adults with busy lives outside of each other, neither of you should feel pressure yet. Ask her what she needs from you, and after a certain point ask her if you guys can try spending some time together again. Your partner should lean on you in times of distress, they won’t look at you as the root of their stress. If she can’t let you in then you gotta move on. I hope the best for both of you!

10. Women in the US are horrified and terrified. I can’t imagine what it’s like for young women dating right now.

    Give her room and space. I’m a middle-aged married lady in a blue state who can’t have kids, and I’m freaking out. We just got told we’re not really human beings anymore. It’s fucked up.

    If you’re in a place where sex is not safe for her, then maybe contemplate what you can do to help that situation. That would be a good place to started on your own. Good luck, we’re all gonna need it.

11. Sometimes what people want is space, and we can feel like having too many things on our plate and we don’t want others to see us overwhelmed or have to “deal” with them so cutting off the relationship seems like the easiest thing to take off the plate. It might seem irrational, but when you are overwhelmed you are just trying to get by

    You don’t necessarily need to fix it, there are things affecting her that you cannot fix. But just being there and giving her space is what helps. You can just offer to her that you are open to listening when she feels ready or if she wants to vent. You can also ask how can you help, or if there is something she would like.

    I went through a period recently when I was overwhelmed and under severe stress. My partner made himself available to listen and talk if I wanted to. He also warmed up the shower for me, and while I showered he made a meal I like and we just sat together after and watched a show together. Just sitting there in silence helped me relax and feel better and have better perspective over the things that stressed me out. My partner never pressured me, and the fact he was just there and I was not required to be “on” was very meaningful.

12. Is there anything you can do to help her? Reduce the overwhelmingness? Any small help will feel “better”

13. I don’t think I see this perspective in here, but as someone who gets overwhelmed here goes.

    I had one of the roughest years of my life with a layoff and got rehired in another department that turned out to be toxic. There was political stress that kept me up at night. A huge work project and a giant sports competition out of state. All of this within a few months.

    I felt like I had little to no control over the things that were pushing me to my limit. The only thing I felt like I could control was my relationship with my then-fiance.

    I started to take my stress out on him, demand he change, find ways he could do better, when really he was doing everything he could to be my rock. I was so unreasonable and he was endlessly supportive because he is the greatest man alive.

    I made it through and we’re married now. I’m now supporting him through some stress and trying to mirror his love.

    Her relationship with you may feel like the only thing she’s able to control as things are going crazy around her. It’s up to you whether you tough it out since things are so new. My husband and I were ~6 years in to our relationship by that point. You sound like a great partner, best of luck.

14. Sounds like a non-starter. Collapsing this early on doesn’t bode well. I’d be hopeful of reconciliation but realistic that I may just be getting dumped.

    It seems that she has examined her life and decided you are the thing that can go.

15. I feel for you, it’s a difficult situation. Two thoughts: yes, give her space, but also just ask her what she needs from you right now? If she needs your support, ask how you can provide that. The best way to know is just to ask and let her know you’re there for her in whatever capacity she needs.

    Good luck.