Does porn make you less attracted to your partner?

32 comments

1. In my experience porn is purely escape. It’s a way of disconnecting to reality and the downside of it is it block’s intimacy. Think about it, if I’m constantly running off to escape I can’t be jacked into the reality of a situation. The other kicker is it’s a relationship to relationship thing, some marriages porn viewing may be akin to cheating and in some marriages have sex with 9 anonymous partners in a truck stop bathroom may be A-OK. It all depends on what the 2 parties discuss and set as a boundary.

2. You feel insecure because he came home and wanted you more than usual?

   Do you have any toys?

3. No, she takes care of that all on her own. 😳

4. I’ve never once thought differently towards my wife while watching porn. I’d prefer having sex with my wife but her libido is much too low for my liking. Porn is just a visual tool.

5. Porn has never made me less attracted to my wife, in stead it has added a lot of fun to the bedroom…

   Have you considered watching with him and asking why he’s into it in an explorative rather than accusatory manner?

   I totally get why porn makes women feel insecure, a lot of what is done on camera may be beyond what you’re doing now and that gap may be the source of the insecurity. There’s also body issues which are similar to when people consume print magazines. The reality is sexy and augmented people produce that content which is why it’s a multi-billion dollar industry.

   I read fairly often on here: “my husband’s only fantasy is lingerie” probably because the girls online dress up a lot. But it goes a lot deeper than that and there are a lot of kinks and other interests out there. If any of those interests are his and you’re willing, you both should explore them together rather than him scratching that itch online.

   If he’s being aggressive in the bedroom that could be many different issues. He could have missed you and felt the need to be manly, he could have had performance anxiety, he could have been tired from the trip. The point is you should know the reason if he’ll share rather than guessing at it.

6. I have wondered the same, will my husband find me less attractive when he sees more attractive women in porn. This has really bothered me in the past.

   However, I have watched porn. Do I find my husband less attractive after watching porn, no, never. I’ll see things that I want to do with my husband. I have sent him links with ideas.

7. I watch porn occasionally maybe a few times a month and it has never made me not want my husband. If anything it makes me want to have sex in my real life. I’m sure my husband watches it sometimes too but it has never come between us and he would have sex everyday if I wanted to. I think healthy adults are capable of knowing porn is not realistic and you don’t need to compare yourself to the performers

8. Porn in moderation is okay and can sometimes be healthy for relationships while they are in a dry period of the bedroom. It can get out of control if it isn’t monitored or if there is history of addiction or depression in the person or family.

   I think you should try leaning into it and leaning into to personal therapy. Leaning into it will help you understand why your husband watches what he watches and why. Also this would be a great way for you both to spend time together and learn but also a way for you to monitor if there is addiction issues. If you reject him, then this might lead to a secret life of porn and then possible porn addiction or worse.

   You seem to have an understand how unrealistic it is but judge yourself on unrealistic standards. You are allowed to feel the way you do but are your feeling realistic or are they based on past traumas being triggered by these events?

9. For me, none at all. Part of it is knowing that a lot of that is scripted, and some of it is just so over the top I wouldn’t want to actually do any of those sorts of things in real life.

   And honestly, some of it is just plain funny. Not even titillating, but funny. Kinda like when you watch a movie that you KNOW is bad, but it’s so bad, it’s good.

10. I’m in the minority too that hates porn. The majority of women are not treated well and there are some many young girls that go into it that are plagued by mental health or drug issues. It just breaks my heart to think that they are being taken advantage of. I don’t mind only fans where the women have complete control for what they do and who they share their image with.

    In my case my husband actually has a porn addiction and it has greatly damaged our marriage. It’s caused him to not be attracted to me and we’ve struggled with intimacy our entire 15 year marriage (like some years I was lucky if we had sex once). It’s taken a toll on my mental health and my feelings towards him. In truth, I’m just waiting for my kids to be old enough to choose to be with me and then I’m leaving.

    I do think you need to have the difficult discussion with him. This is clearly something you feel strongly about and part of being in a healthy marriage is working through these issues. If you are both concerned about the conversation getting heated you can involve a therapist as a mediator. Just know what it is your want to discuss and don’t make any ultimatums unless you’re willing for him to reject your ask (i.e. keep watching porn and I’ll leave).

    Best of luck, I hope things work out well for you.

11. My husband started having issues and needing help getting started and I just figured it was us getting older. He told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore and we decided to work through that with a counselor. While searching for a counselor I came across an article on his webpage about porn addiction in a relationship. We hit all but one of the bullet points since he can’t do it at work due to security. I went to see for my self if he had been watching porn and sure enough he had been for years. I found an old tablet full of it, like hundreds of webpages open to it. Plus his internet history showed he’s been watching it daily 10-35 websites. We have been together for 22 years, married 18 of those years. We have 3 kids, the youngest just turned 4. He is still in denial and actually said to me he would divorce me before giving up porn in the heat of the moment. I told him I will give him one year to be porn free or I will be filing for divorce. If we didn’t have kids, I would have left that night. I made porn a hard boundary in the beginning of our relationship. I’m sure that’s why he’s been hiding/ not disclosing it to me. You need to figure out your boundaries and then communicate them with your spouse. Work it out from there. Your feelings are valid. Good luck!

12. Porn also numbs the mind. While watching guys don’t have to think about a 1000 other things. Its a cheap and easy way to unplug and get some endorphins. But that has nothing to do with you. You are the real deal. the ferrari. Sometimes its fun to add a little spice from what we saw in porn, but not to replace you with it. Porn is mainly a visual stimulant, but you connect to all the senses, sight, hearing, taste, and especially touch. and if we love you, you connect to our egos, our inner beast, our spirit. Porn could never.

    Also, your pleasure, joy, and orgasm is more than anything porn could give us.

    ​

    You might ask why porn then. Cause its cheap. Its McDonalds and you are 3 star Michelin restaurant. Sometimes you need to do something easy and for yourself.

13. It doesn’t make me less attracted to my partner. In fact she is without a doubt the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. I have a very high libido and I can be attracted to many people at the same time. There really are zero external factors that could lessen my attraction to my wife.

14. I always treat it like the movies. My husband loves action movies and I can guarentee that every actress in them is more attractive than I am. I don’t really worry about it though because I know that it’s fake, and even if he did have a shot he wouldn’t because he loves me. Same thing with porn, they’re attractive, but fake. No reasonable person would try to compare it with real life or expect their partners to suddenly look and act like pornstars.

15. It doesn’t effect how I feel about my wife in any way shape or form. It’s a masturbation tool. That’s it.

16. I would personally look down on my spouse if he used porn only because he wouldn’t need to do so. It would be a personal choice he made to use it and purely for a selfish reason. It wouldn’t make me insecure or angry that he looked at other women because nudity and sexualized images are everywhere. It would just be the principle of it. That he couldn’t wait or be mentally strong enough to resist. I probably would think less of him from that point on and consider him of weak mentality. I also would never ever compare his porn viewing to myself or think it had any connection but only because I am very very secure with myself and appearance. To me I would know 100% that it was all on him and his mentality. I honestly would feel bad for him too that he felt so insecure with our relationship and himself he had to outsource and avoid telling me he needed more intimacy. Stuff like this to me is always a self issue.

17. I know lots of people in this sub struggle with the porn topic. I used to feel hurt by the idea that my husband watched porn on occasion, too. I can say without hesitation that it doesn’t make my husband less attracted to me. I truly believe that we have a much deeper relationship than anything he could get by watching porn. We have even watched it together on occasion (nothing too far out there). I didn’t find that he was watching it or closing his eyes and imagining someone else while this happened. He was there, present with me, telling me how beautiful and sexy I am to him. He endured 2 pregnancies where I didn’t want him to even look at me sexually for 6+ months both times. He travels for work. He has always been faithful to me. My point is, I feel like porn has its place. As long as it isn’t taking the place of true marital intimacy, I personally (just me – not suggesting what you should or shouldn’t do or tolerate), am okay with it. My husband once explained to me that watching porn to a guy is nothing more than “giving oneself a hand,” which isn’t what any guy (outside of someone with a true addiction) really wants. If they did, they would never have a relationship, nor marry, because they would be able to meet all of their own needs solo. It helped change my perspective a little on the topic. I should also add that I have found it can also be a helpful tool. My husband is over 10 years older than me, and I am not young. He has had some natural decrease in hormones over the 17 years we have spent together. When used sparingly, it can help spark up the mood on occasion and give a little variety in the bedroom. I hope you get to see this before I get downvoted to infinity.

18. Just like alcohol, porn can be used responsibly and destructively. As a 52M, porn has been in my life since I was 15 (recall those Playboys and VHS tapes) and all the guys in my neighborhood traded stuff and hid them under our mattresses. Along comes online porn which brings it to our phones and computers. I used to hear that all guys masturbate (either they admit it or lie about it). I suspect porn is that way too.

    For me, porn has been a positive presence. I traveled for 20 years (M-F) having porn allowed me to bleed off excess sexual energy and kept me faithful. There were times when my wife was less interested in sex because we had small kids and she was overwhelmed. Porn helped me meet my needs without pressuring her. My wife and I have been very transparent about what was happening and she appreciated me taking care of myself. As the kids left the home and needed her less, she had more space/time for sex and became more available. Now I almost never even look at porn because my wife is 1000X better than anything on a computer screen. I love everything about her and her body (touch, smell, feel, sounds). I would have sex with her every day if she wanted it.

    That is me and there are some guys that deny their wives and chose porn over real life. Or see harmful, abusive behaviors in porn and try to act them out on their partners. Or get so used to masturbation that they are unable to climax with their partner. To those men (like I would say to an alcoholic), porn is a problem to them and their relationship and must be stopped.

    So for what it’s worth, I encourage an open, non-shaming conversation with your partner about this topic and it’s role in his life.

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20. I’m just going to say this. The whole porn making anybody feel like they’re not enough, I just don’t know where it ends, or why it’s specific to porn. Porn to me is no different than a movie, a video game, a book, or any other form of media. It’s fake, it’s entertainment, it’s designed and marketed to be visually & mentally stimulating, but nonetheless we should all know it’s not reality.

    Take Bridgerton for example.

    I come home from work to find my wife watching Bridgerton. That dude Simon Basset is like some next-level naked Prince Charming. I’m comfortable saying he’s (Regé-Jean Page) a beautiful man in general, and the character he’s playing is absolutely written to set off a spark in your wife’s butt, and I get it. He’s a Duke, he’s British, he’s well-mannered, handsome, and his toned butt, whatever. And here I come fresh from eight hours on my duff marketing weed online, right? and I have to compete with Duke Simon Basset?

    Nah.

    Honestly, the thought doesn’t cross my mind. Bridgerton, whether it’s a book or TV show, that’s porn for ladies, that’s porn for my wife. Porn for men is different, we’re visual, so it’s more graphic, but nonetheless we should know it’s just as fake as Bridgerton. I know the violence in horror movies & video games is fake, I know lightsabers aren’t real, and I know porn isn’t real. The sex is real, but we’re still talking about actors whose job is to be toned and trim, and have sex in awkwardly unrealistic positions that likely don’t even work or feel good in real life. Yes, I absolutely have a type, I absolutely find women in porn and every other walk of life to be beautiful, but…man, it would be super dull of me to think my wife didn’t feel the same about other guys as well. Guys on TV, guys in romance novels, guys in real life. That stuff doesn’t bother me, I know my wife and I are committed to each other, and I trust her and I think she trusts me too. Whether it’s some dude on Bridgerton or some dude at work that my wife just clicks with, that can happen, that WILL happen and I’m cool with it because I trust my wife, and that’s what matters.

    Now I will say if your husband was just watching porn all day and that was impacting your life in the bedroom, sure I could see you feeling the way you do, but that’s a total different conversation. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t have standards or boundaries in your marriage at all. If porn is off the table, then your husband should be considerate of how you’re feeling about that, but…if you’re asking for my opinion, my experience, I’m just indifferent about that shit. Sometimes I watch porn. Sometimes my wife reads erotic werewolf books. To me that’s every bit as healthy and normal as getting a bit lost in a video game.

21. My partners porn use has always made me less attractive to them lol… trying things from porn does not make you creative or adventurous IMO.

22. No. It helps me initiate more. I am not a fan of porn and went almost ten years without watching it.

23. As a husband who watches porn regularly, it definitely does NOT make me any less attracted to my wife. I mean, sure, these women may be younger and have traditionally fitter bodies than my wife, but that doesn’t change the fact that I find my wife amazingly beautiful and sexy, and I would rather see her naked than any of these porn models any day. To be perfectly honest, the only reason I watch porn is because we have a dead bedroom and it is my way of staying sane and having a sexual outlet. I’d would 100% prefer “regular old sex” with my “regular old wife” over porn.

24. > Would love to hear guys’ perspectives: can you really compartmentalize? Does it truly not make you look at your partner differently?

    Yes, you can compartmentalize it (though that doesn’t mean every guy does). Porn is fake; it’s selling a fantasy. Thinking “I could live a sexual fantasy like I’m seeing in this porno” is basically like me thinking that if I take Martial Arts classes, I’ll be able to walk into a room with 30 guys and kick all their asses like I’m Jason Statham or something.

    Does it make me look at her differently? No. These women are actresses that are paid to do sex scenes. They might do stuff in the scenes that I know my wife doesn’t necessarily want to do, but they don’t necessarily want to do it either; they’re getting paid to do it.

    As for physical appearance, let’s be honest here: there’s ALWAYS going to be someone out there who is better looking than you, whether it’s in porn, Hollywood, in magazines, or on TV. I’m never going to be as tall or as good-looking as Jason Momoa or Chris Hemsworth. I think my wife is very attractive, but she’s (more than likely) never going to have Victoria Justice’s abs or Kate Beckinsdale’s skin. And guess what? That’s fine! Nobody is perfect.

25. I don’t think it makes you look at your partner in a different way but yeah perhaps not so healthy approach to physical intimacy. Why don’t you explore romance with him. Candle lights, roses on the bed. A little teasing perhaps a squeeze during the drive. Not to deal with porn just to keep things spicy.

26. For me, porn is more of an ethical issue.
    Look into Fight the New Drug and Exodus Cry. There are a lot of issues with the porn industry and most people who are not bothered by porn use do not understand what their partners are watching or the extent of it.

    It is okay it makes you feel insecure. I’m willing to bet your husband has no clue it even hurts you.

    Lots of men (I’m talking men here but women watch porn too) are willing to make change when they realize their actions are hurting someone.

    If you want to be okay with porn, at least have a conversation with him about ethical porn use. Ask him what purpose porn serves him or why he looks- try to understand his view of it. Maybe that would help you feel better.

27. Porn doesn’t make me less attracted to my wife. Her not ever initiating physical intimacy or even noticing when I’m trying to look nice for her does however.

28. r/loveafterporn

29. No.

    It is a snack to tide me over me over until the real thing. It scratches the itch so I don’t go crazy. I still find my wife unbelievably attractive, as in, she doesn’t believe she is beautiful. I sure as hell do. Porn and masturbation are backups, contingencies. I always prioritize a sexual relationship with my wife.

    That being said, she says no often, so I end up with lots of solo time :/

30. You’re not alone in this sis. The thought of my bf getting off to someone who’s not me or the exact opposite of me makes my skin crawl. You’re valid- and a discussion should happen. Me and my bf made our own porn and thats all I use for alone time usually. Maybe doing something like that will kind of help the fear of it? It could help porn feel less foreign and scary and more natural. Best of luck <3

31. Not a man, so apologies for jumping in, but: Have you tried watching with him and asked what he likes/to see maybe what you like? Do the women in the videos he watches have similar features to yours or are they the opposite if your body type? Is it the thrill of the taboo? The power dynamic? I enjoy watching porn with my husband, so I’m sure I have a different take on this from others, but I liken it to reading a romance novel in that the “characters” are an unrealistic *fantasy*, and not reflective of real life. As far as “regular old sex,” do *you* feel like you’ve fallen into a routine (it’s easy to do)? Nothing wrong with wanting to spice things up! It doesn’t mean you don’t love and desire each other. For all we know he might also be concerned that *you’re* getting bored. Either way, talk with him. Sex and watching porn is an intimate thing; you never know, talking about it (what you both like, what you don’t like, what sort of taboos turn you on) might actually bring you closer.

32. Talk about it. I dont like it. There’s no need for it. Masturbation or “something easy for yourself” is NOT dependant on looking at other women nude. One of the many aspects of marriage, to us, is commiting to each other physically. It’s a boundary in my marriage. It doesnt make me feel sexy or desirable for my husband to seek visual sexual stimulation from other women. I think it creates unrealistic expectations consious or sub consciously.
    I think you should talk about it. The flip side for me as a woman was giving up romance novels. They also create unrealistic expections.
    Maybe you can create your own content for when hes out of town?😉