We have been dating for over three years and I am worried our difference in personality will cause a rift in our relationship. I think I may be idealizing our future, as we share the same core values, have incredibly supportive families, and definitely want to raise a family.
—
A little background: He is an adventurer — loves to indulge in his creative outlets, explore new things, almost free-spirited at times. But he does have a set goal in mind, just that he allows himself to push his goals further and further back when he gets sidetracked. This worries me — I am a planner who needs to have a decent idea of where I’m headed (work, school, social, etc.). I also reflect a lot and can pin point the root cause of most of my emotional/mental distress, but he can’t do this and refuses to talk about anything that bothers him. Additionally, we have very different love languages: his is physical touch while mine is quality time (physical touch is nearly last on my life). I also yearn for heart felt conversations, whether it be about how my upbringing has empowered me or to hypothesizing about life beyond Earth. We never can have these conversations because his responses are always so surface level, there’s no way to add off of it. His ideal conversations are specific to his creative interests or anything that sparks inspiration in him (which are sometimes so specific that I have a hard time relating to).
—
I’ve been feeling a bit unhappy when I am with him. I feel a lot more irritable and it seems like this makes him feel sad or disappointed. But we act like none of that is happening and do things that does make us happy. But as the constant thinker/worrier I am, I can’t help but think about all of this clash even during our “happy moments”. I don’t know if he also feels unhappy because he refuses to speak honestly about his emotions.
—
Has anyone experienced anything similar? How did you go about it? If never experienced this, what do you think of this? I feel like I am going in circles in my head and would love to hear a new perspective.
—
tl;dr: Would like to hear input on clashing personalities dating each other, but are still together because we share the same core values and think we can still have a good future together.
6 comments
Your wants and needs are critical.
He refuse to talk about what it’s bothering his. Giant problem long term. The inability to have heartfelt conversations won’t work long term
Am suggesting that you two do not share the same core values
What core values do you share? Because from everything you’ve said, you’re just not compatible people.
I’m also curious about what your core values are because you two don’t sound that compatible. Do you have fun most of the time you are with him?
>I also reflect a lot and can pin point the root cause of most of my emotional/mental distress, but he can’t do this and refuses to talk about anything that bothers him.
Instant dump
Any relationship going into the long term stages generates these kinds of thoughts.
But you are pointing out alot of differences in personality as being the issue and that is rarely the case. In fact its often the difference in personality that creates the harmony or balance in the relationship and ourselves. The worried planner may need the free spirit to help them break out of their comfort box and routine with spontaneity and experience while the free spirit needs the worried planner to reign in the chaos and generate purpose and order. Often it’s the differing personalities that keep us from entering the potential unhealthy depths of our own.
But there may be an issue with communication. Its vulnerable communication and experiencing eachothers emotions by sharing them that generates a strong connection with our partner. If that communication fades which happens in long term relationships then so does the feeling of being “close” with our partner.
I am in a very similar situation, and I know how hard it can be to trust yourself and decide whether or not you are being too critical or expecting too much. I think it’s important to tell him you are unhappy and see how he reacts. Does he want to try and fix things? Does he try and talk it out with you? Does he say he will do better but never actually change? His reaction is important and you can expect similar reactions in the future. Ultimately you (and I lol) need to decide if these qualities or feelings are here to stay, and if they are things you can deal with forever.