For the last 4 years I’ve been a stay at home dad to my children. I cook, clean and maintain the house as well took care of my children who are 5 and 2. I was always told that what I did was never good enough and that it could always be better. None of my meals were any good, just edible. The best compliment I received for my cooking was her telling me that my meal tasted like shitty Chinese food at least. My cleaning was never up to her standards and I cleaned a 2 story house at least once a week(vacuum, sweep/mop, dust).I was never allowed free time unless both kids were asleep so that way I wouldn’t inconvenience my wife. While she slept and was given time whenever she needed it. I was always told I was too needy and that I was never satisfied with what I had. I’m not going to pretend I was a saint. I felt I needed some form of relief from what I felt was a lot of work. So occasionally I’d like to smoke weed(legal in my current state) at night after my kids were asleep and I’d always be up in the morning to make the kids breakfast the same as every other day. My wife hated me smoking so I would hide it from her which I know was wrong. I just needed a break, and I don’t know if I was asking for too much. Whenever she found out about me hiding my caffiene use or my recreational use she would tell me I was stealing from the family. I left her today when after a heated argument she told me that she was so stressed that it all came down to her, that if anything happened to her we’d all be screwed. I asked what happens if something happened to me. She said absolutely nothing, I’d have to pay someone to watch the kids. She told me that I brought nothing to the table and I wouldn’t make it without her. I only have one friend that I talk to and he’s the one that convinced me that her behavior was abusive. Please, someone tell me if I’m wrong or not.
Edit: thank you to everyone who has responded to me. I’m glad to know I wasn’t being crazy or overreacting. I’m moving in with a friend at the moment and as soon as I get a job I will begin looking at lawyers.
29 comments
I’m really sorry. Staying in a situation where someone is constantly tearing you down is not ok. Your kids see how she treats you too and that’s not ok.
You are allowed to exist in your own life as your own person. A spouse is not a parent to a child,, but a partner.
Hiding parts of yourself to your partner is counterproductive to having an actual partner. Partners support.
You will get through this.
Our breaking point is lower than imaginable, but from there, we can rebuild from the rubble a stronger foundation.
Lead by example and show your kids what healthy is.
Telling you that you bring nothing to the table and you won’t make it without her. Yep right out of the Abusers guide to destroying another persons self esteem and confidence. Add to that one that everything you do is rubbish and you have emotional manipulation and blame shifting as the three most obvious traits of abuse.
I am sure that there is more to your story and I would recommend talking it through with a therapist one day.
Get a really good lawyer, talk to at least 3 and find one that has done stay at home dad stuff. One thing that is always said is not to leave the children or house until an agreement is in place.
Looking after children is not just a job, and she is not some crappy employer giving you bad feedback and performance reviews though that seems to be how she is acting. Be careful and read up on how to leave a domestic abuser carefully and safely, sadly you may need it.
This hits close to me in ways you’d never know…
You are a brave man. And you’re going to get through this. And you’re going to see your children again.
I don’t know if you are in Texas, but here is a starting point for talking to professionals about this abuse. https://www.hhs.texas.gov/services/safety/family-violence-program
As people have suggested here, get legal advice. Find out what your entitlements are under divorce law. Go through your emails and get together the evidence that you are your children’s primary caregiver: school notes, doctor’s appointments, sports events etc.
Once you know your legal rights, talk to the police. Ask for someone who deals with domestic violence cases.
This is hard. But you have chosen to survive. Keep choosing to survive.
Her transferring all the money out of joint accounts is a classic mistake. It’s theft, get a lawyer
She might think you’re easily replaced (heartless bitch), but no one can replace you as a dad. Pull on your big boy pants and take control of your life.
You did the right thing. You deserve better than what she gave you. You have rights and you will see your kids again.
Hell no you aren’t wrong. She devalued your role in the family unit. Is I appreciative and honestly sounds controlling. Who cares if you smoke some cannabis at night? Better than wine or beers
Yeah, you had to go. Don’t stick around in a space like that for anything. If it’s for the sake of the kids, they’ll actually be better off seeing you make healthy choices for your life instead of stuck in a miserable, one-sided relationship. Good on you. The tough part will be how to handle the kids in the future, as she seems like the type who will feed them lies about what happened. What you tell them is up to you, just as what you show them.
I’ll tell you this as an objective person so hopefully this gets through all the fog and manipulation and bullshit she’s put in your head over the years. Your ex wife is a piece of shit. She’s a fun on garbage person. You don’t need to worry about her because she was never someone to be loved, she probably knows she’s unlovable and that’s why she abuses people. You need to worry about getting your life back. You need to worry about being a good father to your kids because the monster that is your ex wife never will be a good mother to them. Not really. She’s not emotionally capable of it. I know it’s scary, I know you want to just let inertia take over because it seems easier, you’ll be alright.
I’m sorry but yes you were in a abusive relationship with a narcissist. I know first hand. Very good chance you will get primary for the kids because it will slow her down. Best of all going forward
Her behavior is abusive. Regardless of what people think of weed, it is not stealing to need things for yourself. It is reasonable to desire recognition for work you do and her treatment of you is wrong. Don’t get me started on her disapproving of caffeine use! Whatever you do going forward, you need some outside voices telling you what is acceptable treatment of you. You might get that in an on-line support group, therapy, or other friends in addition to the one you have.
I am so glad you got out of that situation.
Yes you did the right thing by leaving her. Don’t let anyone tell you that what you’re doing isn’t good enough. She didn’t seem to want a partner, but a housekeeper, she can pay for one now.
Most importantly now, talk immediately to a lawyer. I don’t know how legal it is/was of her to just take all the money from you.
Whatever you do. get the legal route. Don’t let her talk you into “we can do this like grown ups, without any lawyers.” Get a divorce lawyer, and have courts decide on the custody.
It is abuse, but you need to get a lawyer ASAP. Keep records of her emotional abuse, get a lawyer, file for full custody, as well as spousal and child support. I’m happy you left, now it’s time to get your children away from her toxicity, because she will IMMEDIATELY start poisoning them against you.
Wow. She is abusive and controlling. You couldn’t have coffee? WTF is that about? You only smoked when the kids were asleep and you were up every morning. She didn’t care about your mental well-being at all. It was all about her. She really thinks you can’t make it without her? Typical lie to get you to stay in an abusive relationship. Did she also say no one will want a man with kids?
Now she’s gonna have to do it all on her own. No partner to do all the cooking, cleaning, and raising the kids. I wouldn’t be surprised if she dumps the kids off onto her parents cause she needs a break every time they are with her. Or if she can afford it, she’ll hire a Nanny.
She was mentally and financially abusive, and controlling and manipulative. It’s good you got away.
But I don’t agree with smoking weed when you are responsible for kids either, so please don’t do that when the kids are with you. You need to be alert for emergencies. Smoke only if the the kids are away overnight with someone else.
She is a piece of shit. File for divorce and you will get alimony, and likely child support. Unless you are out of the US. Then she will realize, ohhh shit, I fucked up.
Definitely abusive. She’s trying to make sure that you feel useless if you’re not in a relationship with her, and that you should be grateful that you even found someone like her that would tolerate your “half-assed” cleaning and cooking.
How to be abusive 101: destroy your victim’s self confidence. She was doing everything to make sure you feel dependent on her, but I bet that she is screwed right now without you doing all the work in the house. Hire a good lawyer and leave that bitch. She doesn’t deserve you <3
Congratulations on your freedom!
Updateme!
OP once she realizes that she can’t be the all successful breadwinner without someone at home taking care of everything from breakfast to kids doctors. In the beginning she will be all pride and I can do this all by myself but reality will hit her like a ton of bricks.
Please when she come back trying to rekindle the relationship, proclaiming how she has seen the light, don’t take her back. She will play the “is for the kids” card but you have to think about the example you will give them for their future relationship, do you want them to be treated like you in their marriages?, do you want them to learn this mistreatment is normal?
Please fight for your independence, make her pay spouse support and fight for your kids. They need a sane parent to teach them right.
Virtual hugs. I’m so glad you recognized this was a deeply abusive relationship and left. You sound like you are a stellar SAHP, and anyone would be lucky to have you as their partner.
So did you leave town? Unfortunately where I live if you leave the courts will consider that as parental abandonment. So yes please at least consult a lawyer asap. Make sure you record phone calls. Screen shot and send texts to your email print them out. She also financially is abusing you cutting you off. Document document so important!
Your in the US Google Family Law Attorneys for men. The initial consultation should be free. You have rights and leaving you without a penny isn’t it. Let someone help you. Your not the first man this has happened to and a lawyer can help you get money to get on your feet.
She was absolutely abusive, and if it helps at all, your kids probably saw it and hated it too.
Talk to a lawyer, get yourself protected.
her treatment of you is absolutely unacceptable. Yes, this is abuse, and NO, you are not at all in the wrong. Please lawyer up, and try as much as you can to reach out to that friend of yours – it will be great to have a quality friend around at this time. I really am so sorry.
She’s so ungrateful. You sound like a dream husband. Cooking, cleaning, making food for the kids?! I know plenty of stay at home dads that are couch potatoes who scroll their life away on tik tok and are even abusive to the wives. Get out and find better!
She sounds miserable. Nothing will ever be enough for her
Your ex sounds a lot like mine…they must all belong to the bad spouse club. I’m glad you got out. Good luck!