(sorry for the format i am writing this frantically) 4 years ago i was on vacation visiting family in the Dominican republic i got very drunk at a party with some of my friends and cousins . when we all went home my cousins friend (who has always had a crush on me but i have never liked him and have always thought he was disgusting) asked my cousin if it was okay if he took me to his house so i could continue partying . i was extremely drunk so i said yeah i want to continue drinking . next thing i know im in a backyard with a lot of men and my cousins friend was giving me more alcohol .
he started to kiss me and compliment me saying how beautiful i was (my insecure drunk self liked that ). and convinced me to give him oral sex . i remember i couldn’t even give him oral without plopping down on the floor cuz i was so drunk . i could barely walk. he took me back to my place and he undressed me and he attempted to have sex with me but i was a virgin at the time so we physically couldn’t cuz he couldn’t get himself in me (thank god)
. Next thing i know it’s the morning and im lying naked next to this man who i have always hated and thought he was disgusting . i told him to get off of me and i freaked out i told my family . they supported me at first and drove me to the police station and hospital to have a rape kit done . the police questioned me and once i said that i was drunk my family immediately withdrew their support . they told me not to press charges on him since i was just drunk . my mom said i might be ruining his future . the nurse at the hospital who administered said i wasn’t raped since didn’t penetrate and i was drunk and i shouldnt be wearing short dresses since its in invitation to entice men.
after all this i decided to drop the charges because i was so traumatized and humiliated i just wanted to die and forget it all happened . 4 years later they still don’t believe me and my mom keeps saying that most women are just out to get men and give false accusations . she keeps saying comments about how the mee too era gave women the excuse to be golddiggers . she doesn’t understand how hurtful that is to me . with all the backlash i received and my rapist still running around scot free im starting to wonder if i really did exaggerate everything and since i technically did give consent when i was drunk, i wasn’t assaulted . no one believes me except my boyfriend and my friends . im so emotionally exhausted and humiliated . if i could go back in time and never tell anyone i would do it 100% . i regret it every single day . and now im starting to really think i wasn’t raped . i dont know what to think .
EDIT: i didn’t add in the fact that this guy did he have a history of being accused of sexual assault . he went to jail at one point for a short time but was let go . police in the DR are extremely corrupt and sexual assault is not something people take seriously . we have the 3rd highest femicide rate in all of latin américa . my uncles have beaten my aunts , with no repercussions . abuse against women is largely seen as a normal way of life and a way to “tame” women . it is very common to see tweens(10-12 year old gurls ) pregnant by much older men with no body batting an eye. just wanted to add some context.
3 comments
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It’s hard for us to say. We weren’t there. And some people do things when they’re drunk that they wouldn’t do sober. So they confuse regret with sexual assault. He could have been just as drunk as you were and thought he was innocently and finally admitting his feelings for you with the aid of some liquid courage. But we don’t know how drunk he was or his motivations. Based on how you’re telling the story, it sounds like he took advantage of you. He continued giving you alcohol, he brought you back to his place when you were too drunk to even give him oral, where he proceeded to try to have sex.
In the US, I don’t think it even matters how drunk the guy is. Legally, it’s considered rape if the woman is too inebriated to properly consent.
You might want to seek counseling to help you come to terms with what happened that night and the aftermath since this is clearly something that still bothers you years later. Your mom might have a hard time believing you because you’re unsure yourself of what exactly happened that night. Or the reverse is true and she and others have gaslit you into thinking you weren’t assaulted.
Bad comments in this thread. In a perfect world, teenagers (who experience and learn from the world by pushing their boundaries) could get blackout drunk and no one would take advantage of that situation. And the outcome of a blackout would simply be an horrific hangover or fall out from bad decisions you made and executed yourself (without the intervention of others).
In other words, an ethical person would have seen how drunk you were, would have remembered how you usually treated them, and wouldn’t have take advantaged of your lowered inhibitions or otherwise pushed you to act in ways they know you wouldn’t while sober.
That is what this person did. He knew you were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. That makes him a predator.
That your parents didn’t back you up and that the nurse said that disgusting thing to you about how you dressed is horrible. Just as above, in a perfect world, you could get black out in a minidress and be safe from sexual predation.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope your brother dumped his friend over this. You are not to blame for what happened to you, though I am certain it has shaped your actions, choices, and caused you develop a deeper mistrust of men since then.