I work in construction and sometimes there are commercial jobs that can only be done at night when the businesses are closed.
This doesn’t happen too often but this week I had to work 6pm to 7am for 4 nights. My regular schedule is 6am to 4pm so working nights is quite a switch up. The job is also almost an hour drive time from my home.
My wife has progressively been giving me a harder and harder time about having to take care of our baby through the night with no help and that I’m asleep for a good chunk of the day trying to recoup and not be overly tired for the next night of work.
My job is also dangerous and I need to not be super tired in order to ensure my safety and my coworkers safety.
It’s not like I’m asleep for 12 hours either. I’m just trying to get about 8-9 hours of sleep.
My wife also has not had a job since our 8 month old baby was born. I’m not upset about that but I think she fails to realize how exhausting a job can be. I also 100% understand taking care of a baby is extremely exhausting and I never try to discredit her for what she does.
Having said all of that I’m getting upset with her constant remarks. She keeps saying things like she feels like a single mother. Whenever I wake up she comments on how nice it must be to get uninterrupted sleep, etc.
I’ll tell her sorry and that I understand it’s hard but I have to work and unfortunately I was put on a night job working 11-13 hour shifts so I have to sleep during the day. I remind her that it was only for the week and that I’ll have my old schedule back next week.
Sometimes that calms her down but with each new day she raises the same complaints like she forgets everything I’ve said.
How can we work past this?
36 comments
Sounds like this may be more than just a this week issue based upon stating that she feels like a single mother. I understand wanting to be safe on the job but you need to understand with young children 8-9 hours of sleep for the parents is unusual and a luxury.
It seems as though youre devaluing to some extent the fact that shes taking care of your child full time. That is her job and it is draining. You suggest she get a job as well, but realistically does she have the qualifications to make it feasible? I.e. Does she have the job qualifications to make working worth the cost associated with child care fees ect.
End of the day, you probably do need to help out some more with the child. I hate to suggest a schedule but it worked for me and my wife when our children were younger. Essentially we would alternate nights being the parent on duty for child care. Yes this lead to some lost sleep but it helped us find some balance and peace.
yeah, when baby is factored in the equation these days in current economic climate then things started to go down the hill
Babies are hard.
If she’s a SAHM and now you’re working nights, you’re ostensibly doing less than you normally would in the evenings AND you’re home sleeping in the day when she’s up and around. So I can appreciate that from her perspective? This sucks.
That said, people who haven’t done shift work like this often don’t understand the kind of hell it can be or the risks in play if you don’t get the rest you need.
If she literally cannot wrap her mind around how you need rest to be safe then I question her maturity and intelligence. If she can’t organize it in her mind that this is temporary and stop making snide comments, I question her ability to empathize.
As this won’t be the last time this happens with your work shift swapping, I think you need to have a discussion and perhaps consider a marriage counselor.
Something like “babe, I love you and our baby and want you both to be happy. I know you work your ass off caring for our child and our home and I appreciate it so much. I know it’s hard on you when I have these shift swaps. It’s hard on me too. When you say things like “I feel like I’m a single mom”, I feel sad and frustrated because I am trying to support all of us and to keep this job and do it safely sometimes I have to work nights and sleep in the day. I really can appreciate your frustration as well however I need your support—not criticism—when I’m on these late long shifts.”
Consider if you really helped out prior to this week. She may be fed up and this week is breaking her patience. Do more. And if you personally can’t do more then find a way to make her life easier. Maybe get her a spa day to recharge. If my husband even just brings up a plan he has for me to get some self care time I’m way happier in anticipation of my break.
Is your wife also getting 8-9 hours of sleep? You work nights, okay, but she is taking care of the baby 24/7. Babies don’t care if it’s 3pm or 3am, if they wanna be up they’ll be up. When is she supposed to take a break?
8-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep probably seems like the best thing ever to a new mom. She’s up every couple hours.
How exactly are you helping out with the baby right now?
As a new mom hearing “just 8-9 hours of sleep” is frustrating. The most I’ve gotten in months is an occasional 5 hours? Can you function safely on 6 hours and take over a feeding or house chore?
A change in schedule is really hard with a baby. I saw a post where a husband was asking what he could do for his wife and kids in preparation for a week where he was going to be away for work travel. He said he was planning on cleaning the house, have frozen/pre-prepped meals ready, laundry, stuff like that. Maybe next time you can do something similar? Tell her that this upcoming week you’ll be really burned out from working nights so during the week you won’t be able to help much but what would she like you to do beforehand that would make her week easier. I think your wife would really appreciate the thoughtfulness.
Based on your comments and getting at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, yeah I can definitely see why your wife is upset with you
It’s 4 days. Not permanent. Shift work takes its toll as does caring for a baby. You both have to just get through the week. Then discuss how to manage things next time and put plans in place, for example, having a friend, relative or babysitter for a few hours to let your wife have a break on those days. Or whatever you both feel would work for you.
A max of 13 hour shifts working with dangerous equipment, not even including your commute and these comments are suggesting the solution is you getting less sleep? There has to be another solution here.
Ask her if she wants to pick up your shifts and you will stay with the baby. Don’t do that, her answer will be no and then she’s going to be super bitchy for a while. Just explain to her that you are providing for your family and sometimes that’s going to be inconvenient.
Women are going to be women and sadly many of them will throw a fit when their every need isn’t met.
8 to 9 hours of sleep?! That is more sleep a night than, like, any adult I know, much less one with a newborn. Maybe while you’re working these night shifts, dial it back to 6 to 7 hours, drink some coffee and grab a nap during your break time for the sake of not being lost in golden slumber while your wife is up with the baby all day.
She’s being a bitch.
Hon, I completely understand. My husband worked construction and has had to do overnight work like having to replace drop ceilings in places like McDonald’s and other retail places. It has to be done at night…he has worked 48 hours straight at some locations with only 2 crew members taking a 1 to 2 hr nap in the truck at a time within that 48 hours. If she can’t handle 4 days of this by herself, she needs to call a friend or family member to help her when you are asleep during the day. I want to share a story with you. In January of 2021, my husband was working a 48 hour shift and he was up on a 12 foot scaffolding doing sheetrock finishing and he took a misstep….he fell…his rib broke and punctured his lung, he had a brain bleed (hematoma) broke a bone in his shoulder and shifted his shoulder blade. He spent 7 days in the ICU. He’s had surgery on his shoulder and went through 9 months of physical therapy. He still doesn’t have full range motion of his arm and his boss told him if he can’t be 100% then he can’t work at his company anymore. He thankfully got workman’s comp bur only gets a third of what he made a week and we are fighting with his ex bosses insurance company for a payout compensation but they are dragging their feet and putting up red tape at every turn we make. He’ll never be able to go back to working construction again….at least not to the ability he once had but I seriously doubt anyone will hire him with a bum shoulder. We’ve been making ends meet with me having a resale page on Etsy and him doing odd jobs. As I said, if your SO can’t hack taking care of a baby for 4 days by herself, there is something fundamental wrong with her.
Your wife is sleep deprived and that can make people cranky and irrational… I think it’s fair you’re frustrated and she’s frustrated. This is just a hard time and it’s going to require a lot of patience (ideally from both of you, but it seems like it’s just going to have to be you).
I think having a conversation and setting a specific night where you take over nightly duties could help her feel relieved. Take over cooking and maybe ask her how she likes the bottles to be cleaned/other baby care. She might feel like she can’t let go of control to you for whatever reason, so asking her to TEACH you how to do it “her way” could get her to loosen her grip.
Overall, she sounds overwhelmed (as do you) but you’ll get through this.
don’t listen to anyone here, you literally can’t do anything about the fact you work NIGHT SHIFT LIKE THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE INJURED. try to talk to your wife about ppd because it seems she might have it.
Sorry I’m on her side. Find ways to help out around you schedule
Tell her to go to work and you be a sahd.
**Take a deep breath.**
Your shift is out of your control and you can’t kill yourself or others being over tired. From the sounds of it your wife may have some post partum going on. She is not rational. I’m not in any way knocking her but she’s stressed, over tired and her hormones are going nuts. I know it’s hard and I feel for you. Try not to let her get to you and get through the week. Make an appointment with her doctor for an exam and to see if she has PPD. Once your off nights and she’s had a bit more rest sit her down and discuss how the two of you will handle shift changes in the future. Right now your both new parents that are overwhelmed and dealing with schedule changes and trying to hang on to your sanity.
Neither one of you is really the bad guy. Hang in there. Your a good guy trying your best. Just survive for a little while longer and it will get better.
Geez. I breastfed all 4 of mine so night shifts were mine too. My husband offered to stay up with me but he was the one working FT. Not me. I figured it was fair. He helped when he was home and the baby didn’t need to be fed but I really think she’s being unreasonable. I get she’s tired. All parents are. It’s only a week. She’ll survive. Sorry. I have no compassion I just think she’s being petty. It’s not like this is your work schedule every week.
I think you’re in a tough situation, and honestly, for this week, I think you just need to take it. Just keep reminding her that you’re doing the best you can and that things will be better next week. Remind grandma to help out as much as possible to help pick up the slack until things go back to normal next week.
If your wife can’t leave the baby for more than 30 minutes at a time, though – you might want to talk to her about talking to her doctor about PPD, because that’s not normal. She should be able to leave the baby for longer than that. I would wait until next week once she’s a bit calmer before broaching your concerns – and then talk to her about that you’re concerned, and think she should talk to a doctor to see if she might need some help.
Welcome to being a sole provider.
Plus side your life will only be like this for 20 years. 35 tops.
Give her the ultimatum then… Ask her if she wants to work nights too so you can do less shifts and take it in turns. I bet she won’t. I’ll probably get down voted BUT I assume she doesn’t work and you guys agreed beforehand that she would be a stray at home mum. But to top it off. When you offer to look after the baby she said no? Wtf
If people don’t understand reason, and you still have power over what you do, then tell them to suck it up. Worked fine for me and I’m a multi millionaire now
Your wife is being completely unreasonable. She needs to suck it up for the week.
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If your wife is making comments about feeling like a single mother over a single week of your schedule being messed up and needing more sleep than usual, and is so controlling over the baby’s care that she won’t leave the baby for more than a half hour or let you even wash a bottle, then she needs professional help. She is not handling motherhood appropriately. It is not healthy to be that unwilling to step away from your child and let someone else (especially the other parent or family member) take care of them. She most likely has post partum depression or post partum OCD and you need to get her to the doctor and let them know what’s going on. It’s very common and it’s treatable!
I am sorry that she is making you feel like this, but if you have a very dangerous job and are working long hours on a shift you are not used to then you HAVE to prioritize the safety of yourself and your crew. For now, just try to pacify her. “I’m really sorry honey, I know this is so hard on you but it’s only a few more days and I will make it up to you.” I don’t know if that will make her back off but it doesn’t matter, you can’t endanger everyone just because your wife is guilting you. Please ignore the people telling you to get less sleep, it’s terrible advice and puts you in physical danger.
Does your wife work? If you’re working 11-13 hour shifts and she’s a SAHM then I would think that the distribution of labor at home should mostly fall on her. If you were both working and worked the same amount of hours, then I would say you need to help out more.
You guys are in the hardest part of your relationship right now with a baby. Everybody is struggling. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Just hang in there and don’t lose sight of the fact that you are a team and you’ll get through this.
As for the comments/snide remarks etc, maybe your wife is just blowing off some steam. I remember those days as a dad and feeling kind of helpless and lost as to what to do.
I really needed to have a thick skin and try to empathize with her instead of get defensive.
Instead of saying “what do you expect me to do??” say, “I know this really sucks. I appreciate how hard this is on you”
And of course it goes without saying, help wherever you can.
This is a rant about a four night story. When you say ‘progressively’ how many nights into the week are we talking? She got upset after day 1? Is this work detail over and you’re venting after the fact?
OP, it sounds like neither of you understand one another. It sounds like she may not currently be capable of being rational- if you have an infant and she’s a SAHM while you work, regardless of hours she is *isolated.* I haven’t read all your replies, but you need to consider that she may have post-partum depression, or is severely sleep deprived, or both. If baby is young, her hormones are literally all over the place. Folks love to throw those terms around without understanding it, but childbirth is one of the most life-altering events the human body can experience. The entire machine of her body is malfunctioning, re-booting, working on instinct, and learning it all as it comes. Her reaction doesn’t mean she is depressed, nor that she is weak if she is, but it’s something the non-birthing parent needs to be mindful of. Pretty much all care for the mother stops once baby is born, so you might be seeing her cracking round the edges.
This is where you come in. Yes, you absolutely need to sleep if you have a high risk job, but a lot of wording in your posts indicate you *don’t* understand how hard her job is. Based on what you’ve described, she gets zero off time. She’s a mother around the clock. She isn’t getting protected sleep. You keep saying you “help”, but this language is tricky. You aren’t helping if it’s your kid. I don’t have all the info, but if you, either because of your work schedule or something else, have made her the default parent, meaning she takes lead and you “help”, it’s no wonder she’s not handling having to care for the baby all night and day AND make sure YOU get sleep. You also said she doesn’t understand how hard a job actually is- what? That’s insulting. It sounds like she’s had a job before. Even if it wasn’t like yours, this is disingenuous and not what you’re mad about.
No one in this situation is the villain. But, you don’t get to be pissed at her. I also don’t think she should be pissed at you for the work schedule thing. But, I’d be willing to bet she is upset beyond this isolated issue. If you are truly pulling equal half in parenting, then she’s having a hard time that requires some patience from you, as I doubt she thinks you should go to construction zone on no sleep. Working hard outside the home doesn’t give you extra points, nor does her working inside the home count as less. You both sound like sleep-deprived parents who are young and struggling, and who are not operating as a team.
ETA a word
>My wife also has not had a job since our 8 month old baby was born. I’m not upset about that but I think she fails to realize how exhausting a job can be.
This is such a shitty thing to say because you clock in and out of work. She doesn’t. Taking care of the baby IS a job. A *very exhausting job*.
>I also 100% understand taking care of a baby is extremely exhausting and I never try to discredit her for what she does.
You literally *just did*. You cannot say she hasn’t had a job in months and that she fails to know how exhausting a job can be while in the very next sentence claim to 100% understand taking care of a baby is exhausting. You literally just contradicted yourself.
I get it, you’re tired, but you’ve yet to mention what you actually do to help take care of *your* baby. Do better OP.
This is a tough situation. I found that when I worked nights people didn’t always take my sleep seriously, like any sleeping during the day is a ‘nap’.
It sounds like you are both having a rough time, and I’m sorry.
As a woman, If I were a stay at home mom (with access to the income of course), I’d never complain about my husband/partner sleeping. I’d literally do EVERYTHING for the baby/children and household duties. I would only ask for like an hour or so for myself whenever the time lined up, to shower and just get to recoup. Weekends (if permitted) would be family time, or my time to see a friend or something. I work full time and my partner and I split everything (bills and child/house duties). I’d MUCH rather be home, cooking and cleaning and caring for the children. 😂 Jelly of your wife!
Also, I might get some hate for this but I truly hate when women in your wife’s position say they feel like a single mom. I was a single mom for a long time, working full time, and caring for my children by myself. So that meant, cooking, cleaning, child care for work, when they were sick, I was sleep deprived THEN went to work exhausted and stressed out. I get she’s more than likely tired and touched out, but I feel that if you’re truly doing all of the things you say you’re doing, then she’s kind of taking it for granted.
If it’s only for 4 days, I find it odd that you’d post this here. You know it will be over within the week, what’s the real problem?
Someone who works demanding and dangerous jobs needs their sleep. The wife can nap to catch up on lost