I’m autistic, and while I can struggle with social skills, I’ve been very successful at work and had few conflicts with others until recently.
I have a coworker who is constantly starting “shit” with me for no reason. I haven’t gotten a write-up, but she constantly gets me sent to our boss with her for “conflict resolution.”
A recent example: this week we accidentally both created the same work product at the same time. She alerted me to it, and I agreed to change mine to “match” hers. She asked me to do this. I began the task. No problem, right?
Wrong! She then “called me into her office,” despite not being my superior and told me she “didn’t feel listened to” and had never wanted me to change the document. She told me to change it back—okay, annoying, but whatever, I agreed. At this point, the illogic of this is not working super well with my neurology, and I’m starting to feel pretty shaky and on the verge of meltdown.
I then asked her, I thought rather considerately, if she felt listened to now, and if we were in a “good place” on the task. She said, “I can’t even begin to answer that question.”
I then said, “Earlier you said that you didn’t feel ‘listened to’; I’m just checking in to make sure I’ve understood what you want now.”
She replies, “Is this how YOU are? Maybe this is just how YOU are? We have to stay in constant communication about [work task].”
At this point, my boss is overhearing and enters the conversation, but it’s too late—my whole body is literally shaking uncontrollably, and I ask to leave for a moment.
I go have a meltdown at work, which never happens to me as an adult. My boss talks to me afterwards and sided with me, but how do I manage working with someone like this?
I feel like she’s ruined my dream job, and I don’t know how to handle it—I’m very open to any critique that could help, please.
ETA: I’m open to it “just being me,” but she’s burned bridges with almost everyone we work with!
13 comments
If they are not actually assigned to work with you, there is no need to cooperate when they act like this. Be polite in your interactions, but follow the tasks of your job and what your boss says. You could listen if your coworker has been doing the job longer but it sounds like she is not being helpful, so just listen to your boss. The first time she approached you about the “similar product” I would have confirmed with your boss which version they wanted.
Not sure what your job is or if that is manageable but I did something similar when I worked at a Home Depot running freight. I operated the heavy equipment and other departments would try and get us to pull product all the time while we were open which takes WAY longer to do while we were open. I would just tell them “if its not for a customer, I’ll do it when we close.”
Ask her to send you emails with what she’s asking for, so you have proof and she can’t say that’s not what she asked for
> I’m open to it “just being me,” but she’s burned bridges with almost everyone we work with!
If she’s burning all the other bridges, it’s definitely her and not you.
Her communication has been unclear. She’s probably notices at this point that she’s damaged relationships with other coworkers. It sounds like she was specifically trying to demean you personally.
Then when you were kind and logical in response, she started projecting that “This is just who YOU are” bullshit.
You are not a scapegoat for your coworkers lacking interpersonal skills. You being Autistic and having your own struggles with communication, does not negate the fact that she is the one currently failing in those areas.
At my most generous, I’d say she misunderstands and made a bad initial judgement of you.
Still her fault, not yours.
Make sure your boss knows what’s happening. Try to stick to your work. Don’t obey your coworker’s orders as if they were a superior. If you are good with your boss and keep them informed, and if you do good work and generally get along with everyone else, you’ll probably be OK.
It is possible this person is a bully and if you give in to her demands she will just hurt you more. Hurting people is, for some, the way they feel powerful in the world and they will go far out of their way to dominate and abuse others simply for the feeling of doing it. You will not find harmony with a bully.
You either need a new strategy, or a new workplace, because this women is going to grind down your mental function.
A big part of it is finding out if your management is on your side, or they’re keeping this person for some work unrelated reasons.
My suggestion: Talk to your boss in advance, and tell him you need her instructions emailed to you. If you need to play the disability card, it may be worth it.
Then whenever she starts giving you ‘special instructions’ ask for written notice. If she doesn’t keep note of it and report it to your boss.
If he doesn’t act on it, you’ll know that workplace isn’t safe for you.
Good luck.
No dream job lasts forever. Work is always in Flux and that’s a process of change you have to always deal with.
Part of work is dealing with difficult people.
Your boss seems to have your back.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this drama.
There’s nothing you did wrong.
If I was in your position I would write something like
“Hey Jeniffer,
We seem to be on different pages so I thought if we learned more about each other’s communication and work styles it would be beneficial. I understand you want more communication and that is important to you so that we succeed as a team. I can definitely try to provide more communication, perhaps we can have a short update with each other on what our plans and priorities are for the day. Alternatively we could use a shared Google document we can both access and edit to list our tasks we are working on. If those options don’t work for you I’m open to any other suggestions that would make things easier and more productive.
For myself I am a more action oriented person, and I tend to forget to plan as much when I’m focused on getting something done. It would help me if you could send me a reminder on what it is you are working on, so I can adjust my own plans to accommodate.
Looking forward to any feedback you can provide,
Bill”
Have your supervisor read over the email first to check for tone and copy them on it when you send it.
As well you need to document the verbal abuse you are receiving in writing. A conversation that someone heard is not enough.
“Hi Jennifer,
During our conversation earlier I was caught very off guard by your response and reaction to our miscommunication. It made me feel very uncomfortable. Please feel free to give me direction or feedback via email before you get to the point you are that frustrated. Alternatively we can have Bob attend any meetings going forward as we clearly have different communication styles and are misunderstanding each other. Let’s try to turn this situation into a learning experience where we can increase team communication and productivity.
Bill”
She is a witch to you on purpose. She is making your work harder bc she doesnt like you (probably bc youre autistic). You need to stand up for yourself and tell her to fuck off. Either she is treating you with human decency or she can leave.
> I go have a meltdown at work, which never happens to me as an adult. My boss talks to me afterwards and sided with me, but how do I manage working with someone like this?
You don’t.
It’s your boss’s responsibility to address the conflict between teammates when they can’t resolve it themselves. Talk to your boss about your concerns about this ongoing issue.
This is has nothing to do with you being autistic and everything to do with her personality. Is there any way you can be assigned to work with her less or not at all? If not, I agree with other commenters on asking for written requests.
I’m not autistic and I’m curious what advice you get. These people are everywhere.
Honestly the fact you asked to leave demonstrates pretty great social handling to me. Better than a lot of people.
I relate to you and in my 30 years in the workforce, I have been in similar situations a couple of times.
I would casually let your boss know in a 1:1 that you are having some trouble figuring out how to communicate with your co-worker effectively. Ask if they have any advice on how you could adjust your approach.
Be honest, but don’t speak disparagingly of your co-worker.
In situations like this, I wouldn’t be surprised if this co-worker is having similar issues with other employees, and if that’s the case then at some point your boss will need to address that with them. They can only do that if they know what’s going on.
Dude I stopped reading half way through so I could rush to comment this. These types of people will NOT I repeat will NOT stop when you try to reason with them. I dont care moving forward if she asks the smallest task of you, you make it apparent she is not your superior and you are NOT the one to fuck with. People like this disgust me cause they inch their way in by asking you do 1 task as a favor and now they believe they have control over you, and the asks get larger and larger and more aggressive. She has picked you as her target, she’s probably already tried this with others in the office and you may have been one of the only ones to accept her first couple requests – now she believes she has her hooks in you, you make this apparent to your superiors as soon as possible and proceed to strap in for war. Coworkers like this either need to be put in their place aggressively or fired there is no in between. And I’m assuming she knows you have autism so her actions piss me off even more.