I (18NB) recently started dating this girl (20F) about a month ago and at the beginning I really liked her, but it’s important to note that I’ve never really liked anyone romantically before, so I don’t really know what it feels like. So, it was all going well until I started getting nightmares about my first boyfriend. He caused me a lot of trauma, but I hadn’t thought about him in like a year. It was really weird, but, after a lot of rationalizing, I got him off my mind. My problem now is that I really like my gf, but not the way I feel like I should. I feel weird when she flirts with me, I don’t think about kissing her or holding her hand or anything. I used to squeal when I thought about her, but now it’s kind of like we’re just friends? I like the idea of being in love with her, but I don’t know if I actually am. And I feel really bad because she’s taking this really fast because she really really likes me. Help??
2 comments
Maybe she’s moving too fast for you. If it’s a recent relationship, you’re certainly not at love. And if she is, then maybe she’s just moving too damn fast period.
Either way, it’s okay to be honest. You’re in two separate places in the relationship. Stay friends. Or naybe tell her to slow it down
I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your first boyfriend – that’s awful, and you didn’t deserve it.
One of the issues is that trauma can’t really just be rationalised away. Your brain wants to protect you from harm, and it’s learnt that relationships can harm you. This stuff can largely lie under the surface when nothing is happening that your brain perceives as threatening, but now you’re in a relationship. Your rational brain might know that your girlfriend isn’t the ex who hurt you, but your survival instincts don’t.
When she flirts with you and you feel weird – what do you feel, specifically?
It sounds like the trauma of your previous relationship resurfacing is impacting things and making everything confusing. If rationalising things is confusing too, then stop thinking about what you “should” feel from a logical standpoint and pay attention to how your body feels.
Do you feel safe with her? Not logically or rationally, because on that level I’m sure you do. But does your body feel safe?
If you’re up to it, I think it’s worth communicating with her about what you’re experiencing. Not that you’re unsure about whether or not you like her (that would probably just hurt her feelings), but that you’re struggling with trauma around romantic relationships. She doesn’t need to (and shouldn’t) be your therapist, but she *does* need to understand what your boundaries are and how to make you feel safe and comfortable right now.
Maybe that means slowing down. What does slowing down mean to you? What would make you more comfortable?
Maybe it means avoiding specific physical things, or surprising you etc. When I was around your age, I had to ask friends not to crowd me into surfaces or make me feel trapped or even hug me unexpectedly. They agreed because they wanted me to feel safe and happy.
You might communicate all of this and then still decide – a day or a week or six months from now – that you want to break up with her. That’s not just fine; that’s great! Dating is all about figuring out if you like being in a relationship with someone. Not just “should/do I like this person?” but “does being in a relationship with this person work for me *right now*?” Sometimes the answer is “This person is lovely, but I’m not ready yet.”
If you have any way of accessing therapy, I’d really recommend talking to a professional about what you experienced with your first boyfriend. I say this because I also was traumatised by my first romantic relationship, and I spent years thinking something was wrong with me because I liked people, I wanted to be in a normal relationship, but my body and my mind rejected it because it didn’t feel safe. Talking to a psychologist can help you work through things beyond just rationalising them away.
All the best.