How do you live and deal with an extremely defensive spouse?

4 comments

1. You are allowed to have feeling just like her, if she become defensive when you are expressing how she is making you feel, you two need to seek a good therapist to help you learn to communicate.

2. That isn’t an appropriate way to react to needing to have a serious conversation. Perhaps you could look into some reading material on conflict resolution and communication that you and your husband could read together?

3. When dealing with the vigilant defensive justification over everything; I just don’t.

   It better either be broken, bleeding, or on fire if I’m going to say something, and I’m not even sure about the first one.

   If I say x is broken, it automatically turns into an accusation not a statement of discovery.

   I usually don’t say shit, I just purchase replacements.

   When it comes to questions, it’s like I have to mine out the answers she is so evasive and coy about responses that aren’t to forwardly worded direct questions that it’s exhausting trying to get information out of her before she just gets frustrated that it’s easier to just, not.

   If she wants to talk at me I’m here, but I’m not stupid enough to keep opening my mouth only to have it end up being a fight.

   The problem with vigilant defensive justification is that it feels justified in defending everything vigilantly, and every mountain is the next one to die on. It’s exhausting when anything that isn’t inconsequential small talk is like pulling teeth.

   When we quip with other couples, and they say something like

   “Wow, *pick your battles..*”

   everybody laughs when she says

   “I do, I pick every battle.”

4. The short answer is that I don’t. That’s a huge red flag for me while dating, and I’m not going to deal with someone who can’t have a productive discussion about the inevitable frustrations and irritations that arise in any relationship.

   Longer answer is, the first thing I’d look at is how I’m bringing it up. Am I framing everything as an accusation or blame? Finding fault? Making it a complaint about their character instead of an incident, ie “you’re always forgetful” vs “I’m annoyed you forgot to pick up milk when I asked”? Am I picking a time they’re already stressed out or distracted? There are tons of articles and books explaining constructive ways to bring up frustrations and I’d start there and make sure I’m checking all the boxes, including responding to defensiveness by stating lovingly that I’m trying to solve a problem/share feelings, rather than find fault. Not “me vs them”, but “us vs an issue”. Asking them how they’d like me to bring this things up and what wording and situation makes it easier to really hear – their input is very important and it shows that you’re focused on the issue and want to make it work for both of you, not just criticizing them.

   If all that doesn’t work, and you’re already married, I’d suggest therapy specifically focused on teaching BOTH OF YOU healthy ways to address and respond to conflict, no matter how minor.