Hi! I’m a 33 year old straight female and probably gonna hit the apps in a couple months. One of my biggest concerns is my habits and preferences that I’m not willing to change for a partner.
The biggest is that I’m a cigarette smoker. I might quit on my own, but I’m just not ready to take that step right now. A partner encouraging me to quit might help with motivation, but I know some people won’t even date smokers. And I definitely don’t want to be nagged about it or made to feel gross for smoking. I’m willing to accommodate within reason—brushing my teeth before a date and not smoking on the date to avoid “ashtray mouth,” going a considerable distance away to smoke, that kind of thing—but if/when I quit, it’s gonna be my own decision and not for someone else.
My other thing is I don’t like to shave my body hair. I groom “down there,” I shave my legs for special occasions, and I proudly rock armpit hair. I would shave my legs more often if my partner preferred it AND they actually gave my legs attention, like wanted to touch them a lot. I won’t shave my pubes bc ingrowns are too uncomfortable and I won’t shave my pits bc I like my armpit hair.
Are these things I should disclose in my profile and/or in conversation before a date and/or before getting naked with someone? Or am I just being too insecure about how people might react?
Thanks!!
35 comments
If it’s someone else’s deal breaker then they should ask you. If it’s something you know is a common deal breaker then you should probably just put it in your profile (e.g. I don’t want kids so I put that in my profile knowing it’s a common deal breaker). I would put the smoking but I would not put that you don’t like to shave your pubes.
You should absolutely disclose that you’re a smoker in your profile. That’s a common dealbreaker. No one wants to waste time interacting with someone they meet and then find out is a smoker. Doesn’t matter if you brush your teeth beforehand or don’t smoke on the date. It’s still a big nope from me and a lot of other non-smokers. Your dating pool will be limited, but if smoking is your choice, own it and date the people who don’t care.
No need to mention your shaving habits on a dating profile. That’s not a dealbreaker, that’s a person grooming preference.
You should 100% put that you smoke. That is a common dealbreaker. My ex even only smoked socially and I told her when we met and I found out that I don’t date smokers. She quit pretty much immediately.
As for the hair thing, maybe that depends on the country. Here the legs and particularly the armpit hair being shaved is very much a social norm. If you are deviating that much from the social norms I would let them know. That could be a dealbreaker for sure.
those aren’t small things to other people though, that’s why they are dealbreakers. for a lot of people both those things that is going to be a big giant No Thanks.
Yes they should be on your profile or disclosed on the first couple of dates.
Smoking isnt “small” to anyone other than a smoker. That should be disclosed up front. The hair thing will be a bigger issue I feel.
Smoking is something you can specifically list on Bumble and Hinge. 100% say you smoke clearly on those.
For your armpits, I would use a photo doing an activity with your arms up that show them. You’ll get less matches but have less awkward dating moments.
If you use Hinge, for example, they have a built-in option to list yourself as a smoker, and that let’s people can filter accordingly. As for the hair, there is no built-in, but maybe something to ask their preference since it seems important to you.
I would make a note that right now you’re smoking but you do aspire to quit. There’s a very big difference between someone that proudly smokes with no intent or desire to ever stop or someone that smokes and does want to stop. I smoked for a long time so one would be a much more attractive candidate than the other, which would be closer to being a deal breaker.
The armpit thing is probably a good idea to somehow mention, if not on the profile then on the first couple dates or in the chatting phase. I don’t think the rest of the areas are a big deal but some women grow much thicker leg hair than others.
Guessing you’re in the US, so the answer may vary if not.
Smoking usually is a tag/filter on most OLD app profiles. Just drop it there. If someone wants to ask about it, they can just fine. It’s a dealbreaker for many folks.
Shaving legs/grooming down there/under arm hair may or may not be deal breakers depending on the person.
If it’s warm weather, they’ll notice arm & leg hair pretty quickly depending on how you dress. I don’t think “groomed but not shaved” downstairs will be a deal breaker for most folks, though everyone has their preferences.
If the date goes really well and is flirty with some nascent sexual chemistry, you may work in a way to joke about it, or ask their preferences nonchalantly to gauge if it matters or not. But that’s likely not needed.
I don’t date smokers, at all for the same reasons you mentioned and I make it clear why. And I hate when they offer to quit (never do) or not smoke around me. I want a long term relationship so I’m not willing to put up with it even to get to know them.
>The biggest is that I’m a cigarette smoker.
Smoking should be on your profile.
>My other thing is I don’t like to shave my body hair. I groom “down there,” I shave my legs for special occasions, and I proudly rock armpit hair.
Your muff hair can just…show, not tell? I cannot imagine any guy being like “Welp, a trimmed cooch, I’m OUT!” I shave now, but trimmed back when it was popular to be shaved, and none of my exes cared one bit. Regarding armpit hair…eh, same thing. One winter I grew out my pit hair because I thought it’s winter, totally pointless, plus I had no idea what my grown out pit hair was like since I always shaved it, and again, my ex totally didn’t care.
That is going to be a NO for me if I automatically see pictures of a woman in her profile with armpit/leg hair.. That is something you should disclose privately. The smoking put on your profile.
I say be you and not someone you’re not be comfortable with who you are and the body that you live in
You should definitely disclose you are a smoker in your profile. I have no desire to date a smoker. They think they don’t smell often, but they do.
The other stuff, it kind of depends.
Take the body hair stuff. Its winter where I live, and a cold winter at that. So most likely when I’m meeting up with women, they have long sleeves and stuff, so I don’t really care. But it may be something to disclose before getting intimate.
Smoking I think you should disclose in your profile. Pubic hair seams a bit delicate to be talking about with someone you have not met and I don’t think many guys would expect a shaved pubic area except the ones who have watched too much porn.
Armpit hair is a tricky one. If you wear a lot of sleeveless tops then maybe a photo like that.
I would personally like to know all of that info up front because they would all matter to me. And the bet it matters to many men. And at that point, who cares about wasting my time, why waste your time going on a date with a guy that you could have passed on having known the info up front.
Yes you should disclose you are a smoker in your profile. I swipe left on all smokers. I would be annoyed if a date waited until we met to disclose he was a smoker. I am not a man so I cannot comment on the grooming. It would seem strange to include it in your profile but I don’t know.
If you’re not willing to be flexible on something then it needs to be disclosed right away, so as not to waste your time or anyone else’s. Doesn’t matter how major/minor it is.
The smoking thing isn’t as negligible as you think. As someone who cared for two parents who died from cancer i would never date someone who would choose to increase their health risks. That’s besides the smell. Non smokers can always smell a smoker. Smoking affects the sense of smell and taste so while a smoker thinks they cleaned everything and it doesn’t smell, that’s just not the case.
I don’t shave anything, but I do trim it all up sometimes to keep everything manageable.
I have literally never once had a dude say anything about it 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve never had body hair preference be an issue with any man. Sure, a man might have preferences and not to simplify men, but based on my experience, most men are just happy to be there lol.
In regards to cigarette smoke, if you don’t want to be nagged, realize non-smokers don’t want to nag you either. Just put it up front and let people weed themselves out.
Smoking on OLD is deal breaker for me but I have dated me who smoked and mostly I tolerated it. I did wish they quit and encouraged them to when it was brought up, however.
The smoking part is important to a lot of people, so I’d definitely disclose that. The no shaving part? Maybe have some photos up to showcase that you don’t? I l live in L.A and I’ve seen a couple of girls showcasing that they don’t shave.
Smoking absolutely needs to be on your profile. Hair details does not.
I don’t shave pits or pubes, may do legs for a summery sundress, and 0% of the many men I’ve dated have ever mentioned it negatively. I’m pretty sure my matches aren’t agonizing about making sure I know what their pits and pubes look like, so I’m not too concerned about returning the favor. That said, I live in the PNW and screen for feminism and body positivity.
FYI, there are definitely pitty chasers out there too, which I learned when I had a profile pic of me with pits dyed a fun color years ago.
Just be honest with yourself and patient and don’t try to pre fabricate yourself to fit what you think other people may be expecting of you. You’ll just end up having inauthentic experiences. If you want hookups then lie about everything like everyone else. Be proud of who you are and if you’re a natural looking person, have a natural looking picture and you’ll attract other nature loving people.
Be fully yourself on the first date and in your profile is my advice. Don’t waste anyones time including your own. Trying to persuade someone to like habits they wouldn’t is as annoying as trying to persuade someone to change.
On that note plenty of people do not care about womens body hair or smoking.
Smoking should be put on your profile but I don’t know why you’re worrying about body hair. Everyone has body hair and we all know this. Humans are mammals and we all have hair in those areas. I remove mine, but that’s a personal choice and I would never assume that someone else has done the same. I think it’s fine to ask someone to trim down there if you’re going down on them, but it sounds like you already do trim. I don’t think that you should worry about your body hair, the same way an uncircumcised person shouldn’t worry about disclosing that – it’s natural and no one who’s truly interested in you would care.
You should definitely disclose that you’re a smoker. I don’t consider that a small thing and I am sure many other non smokers feel similarly. In fact, apps like Bumble even have that as standard into whether someone smokes or not. I feel like the body hair thing is not something you need to talk about until you feel things are progressing enough with someone that you think you may be heading towards intimacy.
I was a smoker while online dating too. I quit a few years ago (yay) but always disclosed cigarette smoking on my profile (tinder). It was definitely a deal breaker for some dates…despite it being listed on my profile in the lifestyle section. I think people want to know…especially at 30 if kids are a conversation.
With regard to shaving, I think I’d wait on disclosing that because it leaves the door open for potential unwanted sexual advances
I seriously cannot believe how common this seems to be among women here. Holy smokes. I am so self conscious about this. I have to be perfectly groomed to get naked especially in the beginning. Perfectly groomed is hair free. After I get comfortable, sometimes things are stubbly but hairy, no. I just would be so insecure about being stinky.
Let me ask you ladies who are anti shaving…do you think that it affects your femininity ?
I would mention that you smoke in the profile. The other information should be disclosed in conversation pretty early. People deserve to know what they’re getting into.
Smoking yes in profile.
Shaving no in profile. Why talk about it? Is it any different from having one boob bigger than the other? If it comes up, it comes up.
But your success rate will depend on where you live- LA? You’re gonna be in trouble with all the hairless instagrammers. Hippy enclave? You’re golden.
Hate to break it to you but these aren’t small things for most. Smoking is an absolute huge dealbreaker for a lot of people, myself included. It puts their health at risk through second hand smoke if y’all were to get closer and move in or something. On the app I use, there’s a place to disclose it along with your preferences for alcohol and drugs and I suggest you do that.
If that isn’t there, then I guess the question to you is what benefit is there to not disclosing it early? Do you want someone that will eventually run when you tell them or they find out a date or two in? Because that only serves to waste your time and theirs. Reeling someone in under false pretense never works out, ya know?
As for shaving… well, I’m a woman, and assuming you date men then it’s going to cut out a LOT of your options. Keeping the pubic region trimmed or natural isn’t actually a huge deal to a lot of guys especially if you both are in a relationship (but even just in general) and I see no reason to make a big deal over that. But the legs and especially the armpit hair is going to be a major turn off, at least in America. Would I advertise this in your profile? Depends. Would you be humiliated on the first or second date if a guy walks out or gets turned off by your body grooming choices? If not, then you can take that gamble and not say anything until it comes up. There’s a chance they won’t care or will not mind as much if they like you, so this is different than smoking in that sense. It’s also a little weird to advertise this particular thing on your dating profile but if you do, I would just take a picture of yourself that’s flattering but also shows it so the guy knows what’s in store!!
Hopefully this wasn’t too harsh. Let us know how it goes and good luck!
Definitely be upfront about the smoking, that’s a deal breaker for me and many others. The body hair is a matter of preference, I’m not a fan personally but some guys love it, others are indifferent, I don’t think it would be weird if you mentioned that too. A hard line stance on “not willing to change for a partner” might be worth reconsidering also. Nobody should have to make drastic changes, but relationships are all about compromise. When I was in my last relationship I drastically reduced my drinking for example because she was a recovered alcoholic, it didn’t seem like a big deal, it was healthier for me too.
I was a heavy smoker for years and had to quit seven times before it stuck. A decade later and I’d still be nervous about dating a smoker – so I appreciate you mentioning it early.
As to the body hair.. everyone has different tastes – but almost everyone wants someone who is genuine and truly themselves – you do you and rock it like a star!