Sorry for the long post, working on trying to process all this. Honestly don’t know what I’m trying to get out of posting on Reddit… I grew up idolizing my (m26) father (68), and always had a strained relationship with my mom (68). While he didn’t have a fancy career, he did what I ultimately wanted to do in my life, and I wound up following a very similar career trajectory. I am now in a stable job, and while my housing situation isn’t great, it’s good enough. It’s just a major factor, in addition to my job, in my anxiety, depression, and stress because there are so many problems. All this is just context behind me.
I have very vivid memories of him asking my brother and I (twin) when we were little to fetch o’Doules beers, and when we were teens, he gave the explanation that he drank those to help him cope with drinking less for our sakes. When we were 18, we all had our first “official” drink together and he said it was his first drink since then. Since then he’ll occasionally drink the odd glass of wine, drank a beer here or there, but usually just nurses a cider all night. He even criticized some of his old drinking buddies who drink heavily. Long story short, I thought he never really drank, those times were behind him, etc.
The last several years his health has been deteriorating. Heart attack, stroke, symptoms of dementia, and more. His behavior is manic at times, his jokes increasingly become more racist and inappropriate, he slurs words, moans a lot, and is always napping. We’ve been thinking it was due to age and potentially something more serious. My mom has a well paying job and we’ve been sending him to all sorts of specialists with very little answers. His behavioral issues and short temper and inappropriateness has also resulted in me putting a lot of distance between us recently, though it’s tough because I live on the same road and he volunteers where I work (he’s now retired).
He has lied to us and to every single doctor, wasting literal thousands. But that’s not the important part. It all came to a head recently for my mom and we discovered he’s been drinking hard liquor he hides excessively for a LONG time. Suddenly, everything makes sense. The pieces all fall together. All his behavioral and medical issues explained. My mom has known for a bit longer than us but has kept it a secret to allow my brother and I to get settled in our adult lives. She’s done so much for us and I can’t thank her enough.
Today we had a heartfelt talk where she revealed she’s talking to a divorce lawyer. I fully support her on this and think it’s the best choice for her, but don’t know how to process this alcoholic bomb and the divorce. It all seems like a dream. I just don’t know what to do with the next few months as this progresses.
The biggest issues are when I look back on my life. He still hasn’t admitted to anything. This is all coming from my mom, though he now knows that I know. How often has this man I’ve idolized actually been sober in my life? He’s the main driver in our family, how often is he driving drunk? I got him a volunteer position at the place I work at where he teaches young children. Has he ever been in this role while drunk? What else has he lied about? I fear that in my idolizing and following his footsteps I will become like him.
Also, he has no friends. This kinda explains why, but soon he will be all on his own without any of us, all while coping both with recovery (if he finally commits) and a divorce. I won’t be surprised if, one way or another, he isn’t “around” next year if you catch my drift. I just don’t know how to navigate this and think I could use some advice. My mom has been under so much stress that she has asked me not to discuss this with any other members of our family or my friends (whose parents are very close with mine) until she has had some time to process. Anyone have any thoughts? This all all feels like a fever dream. Thanks for reading
Tl;dr: father is a lying alcoholic, has been keeping it a secret my whole life, and don’t know how to move forward.
1 comment
I’m sorry this is going on in your life right now.
A lot of people are __functional alcoholics.__ Meaning? They seem to function in their day-to-day lives just fine, but they are actually dealing with alcoholism.
Alcoholism is a disease – just like cancer.
If your Father is diagnosed with alcoholism? Your Father is going to need help. One of the __most important things you can do is join Al-Anon.__
Your Father will need a program. A lot of people take more than one attempt in order to get over their alcoholism. They may have to go into treatment programs more than once. In order to finally get to the point where they can be without alcohol. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) helps.
I understand you’re angry at the whole situation. But I see no reason for you to 💯% cut yourself off from your Father. He is your only Father. Try yo be neutral.
In a divorce, it is difficult to be in the middle. A child watching his parents divorce will always be their child, even when they grow into adults. __They are the child of both of their parents.__
>*They want to please each parent, but find it impossible to do so for any extended period of time, so they settle for short-term expediency. In other words, they learn to tell the adults what they think the parents want to hear. Those statements may differ entirely from what the child believes, but in order to avoid extended conflict, the child goes out of her way to avoid it. Children are trained erroneously through this process that all conflict is a must to avoid. They don’t learn that some conflict is a normal facet of life that we must all learn to deal with. The danger in this mindset is that the kids come to believe that the only good relationship is one that is conflict free-which is impossible unless you learn to ignore or avoid the conflicts when they arise.*
When two people go through divorce? It doesn’t mean that you have to take a side. It takes two people to make a marriage and two people to make a divorce.
Try not to take the side of one or the other. And? Don’t be a listening post for all of the negativity that your parents might give to you about each other.
The fact that your mother has not made a 💯% decision in regards to her divorce, and has requested that you not discuss it with anyone? It might mean that __she has not made up her mind.__ Don’t press her on this issue
>*Be honest with your children, but don’t cast blame.*
It is not your job to be the go between your parents or make judgements on one or the other, and it can actually cause harm for your psyche.
If that starts to happen, ask them to go to therapy. And tell them that you don’t think it’s your place to have to listen to all of the negativity. Or however you want to word it.
On top of the divorce? You are dealing with the fact that you think your Father might be an alcoholic. And that for some reason, since he has not discussed his alcoholism with you, that he has hidden it from you for some nefarious reason.
There are people in my family that are alcoholics. One of the only things that helps them, when it comes right down to it, is AA. Al-Anon supports family members, friends and loved ones of alcoholics.
>*According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, drinking is considered to be in the moderate or low-risk range for women at no more than three drinks in any one day and no more than seven drinks per week. For men, it is no more than four drinks a day and no more than 14 drinks per week.*
I love my family member and never hated them because they were sick. That is the last thing they needed.
But you can set boundaries and still be in a relationship with your Father. And don’t blame him or try to guess what’s going on with him.
Some people drink alcohol because they are sick, and they have an undiagnosed disease and the alcohol helps them get through their day-to-day processes. You don’t really know what’s going on with your Father until he gets examined and into a treatment program.
You can guess, but you don’t know if your guesses are correct.
You mentioned that he has been seeing doctors, but that he’s been *lying to the doctors all along.*
If he is a life long alcoholic? It would have shown up in his blood tests / panels by now. So I would take some of this with a grain of salt __until verified.__
You can’t really hide the horrible effects of alcoholism on someone’s body. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. And his body and a blood test(s) / physical will have signs of the destructive capabilities of alcoholism.
>*High blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, liver disease, and digestive problems. Cancer of the breast, mouth, throat, esophagus, voice box, liver, colon, and rectum. Weakening of the immune system, increasing the chances of getting sick. Learning and memory problems, including dementia and poor school performance.*
Please take care of yourself and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Always listen to your instincts. They got you this far.
Please note that Reddit is a community, and we are always here for you.
{{Virtual Hugs}}
__National Institute of Health (NIH) / National Institution on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)__ [here](https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/alcohol-policy#:~:text=Even%20with%20this%20flexibility%20for,State%20abides%20by%20that%20standard).
__Alcohol Use and Your Health__ [site link here](https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-sheets/alcohol-use.htm#:~:text=High%20blood%20pressure%2C%20heart%20disease,liver%20disease%2C%20and%20digestive%20problems.&text=Cancer%20of%20the%20breast%2C%20mouth,liver%2C%20colon%2C%20and%20rectum.&text=Weakening%20of%20the%20immune%20system%2C%20increasing%20the%20chances%20of%20getting%20sick.&text=Learning%20and%20memory%20problems%2C%20including%20dementia%20and%20poor%20school%20performance).
__How Children Cope with High Conflict Divorce: How Are They Harmed and What Can Parents Do to Help Them__ [site link here](https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/how-children-cope-with-high-conflict-divorce-how-are-they-harmed-and-what-can-parents-do-to-help-them).
__My Children Hate My Ex After Divorce__ [site link here](https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/children-hate-my-ex-after-divorce).
__Alcoholics Anonymous__ [site link here](https://www.aa.org).
__Al-Anon Family Groups / Help and Hope for Family and Friends of Alcoholics__
[site link here](https://al-anon.org).