My wife and I have been together 7 years, married for almost 5. We are great friends as well as being married, we knew eachother as friends for almost 10 years before we even started going out.
Now in the entirety of our relationship I do not think my wife has ever initiated sex with me. I would try to initiate sex on a number of occasions; sometimes she was in the mood and we would have sex, other times she wasn’t so we would do something else, usually together, like playing games, watching movies, going for walks, typical couple stuff. If I were to take a guess we used to have sex every month or two early on in our relationship and dwindling to a couple times a year in more recent times. Now part of this is to be expected as we are in our early 40s and neither of our libidos are what they were even a decade ago.
Like a lot of people we have been evaluating ourselves and our relationship over the last couple of years, especially during lockdowns when we would not see anyone but each other for months. Over the course of this self exploration my wife learned about asexuality and it really struck a cord for her. She says she has never really wanted sex in her entire life, and that any of the times we had sex in the past she did it because she wanted to make me happy. Since coming to this realization she does not want to have sex anymore. Like the kids say consent is not just “yes” it is “Yes!” an enthusiastic yes as they say and she just does not feel that enthusiasm for sex, never has, probably never will.
This makes me feel bad about all the times that she has had sex with me despite not really wanting to, but also it makes me feel pretty shitty about the idea that as it stands I will never have sex again. I still have a pretty healthy libido for my age, I think about sex fairly often and if the opportunity were there would still have it with regularity approaching what we did early in our relationship.
So now I am wondering if we would be better off to go back to just being friends. I’m still at an age where I could find a new partner, not necessarily easily but I wouldn’t say it is impossible. I mentioned this dilemma to my best friend and she said it was a real jerk move to even be thinking of divorcing my wife over the lack of sex, she says at our age I should be glad to be married and that I’m unlikely to find a new partner. Is she right, am I making too big a deal about a simple biological urge, and should just be happy with what we still have? If so what do I do about my desire for sex? I am worried that as it goes longer the temptation to have sex with someone else, should the opportunity arise, would be strong and that potentially risks not just our marriage but our very friendship.
TL;DR: How should I best deal with the prospect of my marriage turning sexless now that my wife realizes she is asexual and does not want to ever have sex again?
43 comments
>she said it was a real jerk move to even be thinking of divorcing my wife over the lack of sex
she is not your friend.
you are 43, a lot of people start their “second life ” at this age, you will be fine.
tl;dr Sexual incompatibility is reasonable grounds for divorce. If you want a sexual relationship, you will need to take your chances finding it with someone else.
I would divorce. It is exactly as you say. I wouldn’t be happy if I don’t feel desired. What is worse, I would have felt sickly betrayed knowing that she has never have enjoyed it, never shared how she felt. I would have divorce just for this. What is the purpose of your marriage then, if not loving and desiring your partner in every aspect? Relationships without desire, intimacy and sex are what friends have.
Unless you can find a way to be happy without sexual intimacy the resentment will build and grow. By the time it has grown to the point where it finally pushes you out it will be even harder to start over.
As one who has literally wasted years trying to bang square pegs into round holes (no pun intended)…move on. Life is too short, my friend.
First of all your feelings are 100% valid. It’s not just a biological urge. It’s a way we feel intimate and connected to our partner and an expression of love. I think you definitely need to get into couple’s counseling to address this issue.
You are 100% valid in wanting to divorce with mismatched sexualities.
I and many would do the same.
Consider asking her to open the marriage. If you’re considering divorce you have nothing to lose, and you can still keep your otherwise happy marriage. If she turns you down, well at least you tried.
You’re not unlikely to find a partner. That’s such a rude thing for your friend to say. I’m 35f and this year I married the love of my life 64m. It’s never too late. We’re really happy.
>best friend
>
>she says at our age I should be glad to be married and that I’m unlikely to find a new partner.
At “your age”? You are 43, not 63. You are pretty much still at your prime. Of course you have a healthy libido. It would be strange if you wouldn’t. And of course you can find other partners.
Some fkin best friend there…
I am fifty and my wife nearing 40. We still have regular sex, actually better than at the beginning. This is a very important side of a relationship in my opinion. We do need it at regular intervals, otherwise we don’t feel well emotionnally. So I totally understand that you would divorce over that. Actually, your friendship with her could get better afterwards, her being freed of this “obligation”. And in your forties, I Can assure you you will find someone.
Why divorce? If you love her and have a gratis relationship otherwise.
Then why not discuss if you could find that aspect in another way? That way you both still have eachother. From your comments it sounds like you very much love your wife and accepts her. Maybe she would be ok with some sort of a arrangement, where you could get your sexual needs taken care of.
I think you should tell her you don’t want to live without sex but respect that she does, you still love her and see what you can arrange.
She slept with you for seven years just to do you a favor? Man, that‘s sad. This is why we should talk more about these kind of topics. I‘m sorry both of you are going through this.
Have you considered couples therapy? I don‘t think reddit can really help you solve this situation. This is much more complex than what we can offer.
edit: just had a look at the other comments and everyone is screaming divorce. If you really care for each other, there are other options you can try before ending the relationship. Like opening up the relationship, polyamory, … but as I said, I would consult a therapist or relationship coach first.
I just want to comment on the “unlikely to find a new partner” as it is such BS and a terrible reason to stay married. I met my husband when I was 41, 5 years after my sexless marriage ended. We have been married for 6 years now and we are insanely happy. We are still a 5 – 7 times a week couple, in our very late 40s. There are people looking for love at every age.
Your friend kind of sucks, tbh. This is not the marriage you thought you signed up for. I don’t blame you, at 43 being disappointed you would never have sex again if you stayed married. You’re still young.
It seems you have been pretty kind and understanding about her libido and now new discovery of sexuality. She will have to understand that isn’t how you want your life to be, and that you deserve someone that desires you sexually just as much as you desire them.
I’m sorry this is happening, but there is nothing wrong with divorcing over sexual incompatibility.
You and your wife obviously love each other and sounds like your relationship is really good apart from the lack of sex. She felt safe discussing this with you and your comments are all level-headed and understanding of her perspective, tell her you still have a desire for sex and you understand she doesn’t and that’s perfectly okay. You could open the marriage or maybe even just have one sexual partner? Not sure what will work for you guys but it doesn’t hurt to ask or have a conversation about your needs. Your needs deserve to be met just as much as hers do. Discuss your options moving forward together, you will find a solution or decide divorce is for the best and hopefully retain a beautiful friendship. All the best OP
Edit to add: I think as long as you guys make a decision together about how to tackle this it’ll all work out okay
OP, please check out r/asexuality too. I’m an asexual person, and a lot of these responses are so heavily skewed towards people who know so very little about it. Maybe make a post over there asking for people’s experiences, and take it into consideration when thinking about your own relationship.
Divorce is fine but do not expect your wife to be okay with just being your friend after. Even if she has no sexual desire, she still had strong romantic feelings for you and it would be hard to move on from that especially after 5 years of marriage.
You’re only 43. You definitely can find someone who is more in tune with your desires.
I have a friend who is in a sexless marriage. Seven years of no sex. She considers her husband her best friend. She won’t consider divorcing him, nor he her. Personally, I couldn’t do it.
I’m getting older though, and sex isn’t as important as it was 15 years ago. So it wouldn’t bother me now.
What would bother me more than no sex is not feeling desired. Does your wife desire you? Do you feel loved? Or do you feel like you’re buddies?
For many people sex is a very important part of intimacy, not a simple biological urge. I think you should consider couples counseling to discuss this with your wife and a professional. Even if you don’t pursue a divorce, this is a huge thing to try and process on your own. I really hope you both get what you need, OP
100% valid reason to separate. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, do what’s best for YOU
A few times a month at the start of the relationship isn’t that much either. And it’s perfectly reasonable to want and need more. Get divorced, hit the gym, and get tinder.
This is blowing up, so dunno if you’ll see my 2 cents, OP! But I would say you need to think through what it is you actually need- is it the act of sex or is it intimacy? Would it have to be PIV or would anything that ends in an orgasm work? And then talk to your wife and really get to the bottom of what it is she doesn’t want to/doesn’t enjoy doing. Complete transparency is the only way to get through this, regardless of the outcome.
Sometimes we do things for our partner that don’t specifically turn us on, but we’re happy they’re happy. But it’s also a fine line between that and feeling pressured to do something you don’t want to. Can you come to a compromise that everyone will be happy with?
If not, no shame in going your separate ways.
Honestly, if I was in the same situation with a future wife, I would divorce. An active consenting sex life is a necessary part of a healthy relationship for me (and no, I’m not a man, I’m a woman and lesbian). Otherwise, it wouldn’t work for me.
If she gets really upset with you about the suggestion of being friends and getting divorced , then that’s her being selfish. It would be no different than if I had married my high school boyfriend, and then still came out as a lesbian In my early 20s – we’d no longer be compatible and we’d both be stuck together.
Yikes your friend is an asshole sorry but she is
My 2nd cousin lost her husband after 50 yrs of marriage. She met another guy who was older than her (she was in her early 70s and he closer to 80). They got married a few years ago and sold houses and bought one together; the whole deal. 43 is not even remotely too late to find someone. A lot of people get divorced in their 30s and 40s so the field is pretty open if you’re willing to play. Your friend sounds like an asshole who doesn’t like sex herself, and is projecting.
‘Enthusiastic consent is the only correct consent’ is a good starting point but isn’t nuanced enough to underpin a long term relationship IMO. If your wife really dislikes sex that is one thing; if her attitude is more ‘I have other activities I prefer but I don’t hate sex’ then like … sometimes marriage is about doing the thing you are neutral towards or mildly into because your partner is REALLY excited about it.
Basically, you have four options:
You get a divorce.
You open up the marriage so you can find sexual intimacy with someone who isn’t your wife.
You and your wife find a middle ground where you still have sex sometimes.
You remain celibate for the rest of your life.
It sounds like the last option would make you really unhappy, so I would take that off the table. Go to your wife with the first three options and have a series of conversations together about which of the three options is going to work best for the both of you.
Physical intimacy is an incredibly important part of most relationships. If you can’t live without it (and who could blame you) then it’s probably a good idea for both of you to find partners who share your desires, if any.
Another option could perhaps be discussing having an open relationship, where you could explore the idea of seeing other people to fulfill your physical needs, and your wife could fulfill everything else. Very important to have rock solid agreements in that regard though.
You’re too young to “give up” on sex with a partner. Go the friend route and date someone who likes sex. Sex toys for men have improved dramatically. Look up the highest-rated male masturbation cups on Amazon and have some fun. Prostate play is funn, too.
I am 71 and the wife and I have sex 3-4 times a month. **Early 40’s are still in your sexual prime**, to say you are too old is ***nuts***. You and your wife need to seek out medical help. If she truly doesn’t want sex any more, and you don’t want to ask her for occasionally to have sex, it’s time to leave.
A note. My sex drive has always been about 2x my wife’s. In our 50 years together it’s never been a problem for her to have sex that extra 20 minutes a week or so because that is what people who love each other do. I love my wife so I spend time doing stuff I don’t like to do with her, to make her happy. That’s what love is about.
Your friend is not giving you good advice. It’s your life, don’t settle for something you don’t want. This is 100% a reason for divorce.
If your partner realized she was a lesbian and wanted to go date and sleep with women, I’d expect you’d also want a divorce, though the feeling would be more mutual.
If you still love each other and want a relationship, you could explore non-monogamy as a route to still have sex, but if that doesn’t sound like what you want, divorce is going to be the healthiest option for both of you. If you’re both open to it, it could be the thing that maintains your relationship – even when people are having sex in relationships, we don’t always get all of our needs met by one person, and can find happiness in more than one. *But* if it’s clear that one or both of you would be experiencing degrees of jealousy or insecurity that you can’t cope with, it’s probably not the solution.
It’s not weird to not want to have unenthusiastically consented sex with your wife or to not want to just give up sex for the rest of your life. 40s aren’t too old to find new partners and you both should be with people who match your wants and needs in a relationship. If you want a friendship to last, be very clear that it’s not that you hate asexuality or her identity (and that you’re happy for her having found something that resonates), but that sex in a relationship is something that you value and want and you’re not comfortable giving it up or having it occasionally when your wife is only saying yes for you and not because she really wants to. To many people unenthusiastically consented sex can start to feel borderline like no consent, and most of us don’t want that at *all*.
Sorry but your ‘friend’ is giving you shitty advice, if your needs aren’t being met and your wife has reassessed your relationship there is nothing wrong with you doing the same. If I were in your position some kind of open arrangement or just leaving would be top of mind.
If it’s the intimacy from sex that you crave rather the orgasm then maybe you guys can research and find other ways to fulfill that need together? I’m sure there other ways you can be intimate without actually having sex.
If everything is fine in your relationship and this is the only major problem then I think it’s worth the try before you consider divorce
Your friend sounds like a bit of a knob. A healthy sex life is a crucial part of any relationship. If your wife is asexual and you are not, you simply are not compatible. This is not the same but i was deeply in love with a polyamorous person. Now this is different since it is more of a lifestyle choice whereas sexuality is not a choice at all. I had to eventually come to the bitter conclusion that poly people should date poly people. Similarly asexual people should be with asexual people. Your wife would be very selfish to expect you to be unhappy for the rest of your life. I don’t think thats fair of her to expect. She might as well have told you that she is a lesbian. The effect is the same.
Has she said that she would never want to have sex again now that she has realized it or are you not wanting to have sex again after learning she has never truly been into it the way you have?
I’m asexual with a reasonably healthy sex life but I’m sex- favorable meaning that I’m not really into initiating sex but I’m not averse to having it. It creates a feeling of intimacy with my husband and makes me happy to do something for him. Some people might be turned off about that but I can find pleasure during sex and part of that pleasure is just doing something with him. But I could definitely go the rest of my life never having sex again and not caring.
If she’s sex averse then that’s different but maybe you two could work something out.
Seems worth a couples therapy session to talk things through.
If sex matters to you and it does which is completely healthy for a man in his 40s to want plenty of sex, yiou should leave and find alternative. Life is too short.
Please don’t beat yourself up for having sex with your wife. I’m asexual myself and there is a spectrum of consent. It’s not just enthusiastic vs coercion. Most asexuals with non-ace (aka allosexual) partners consent willingly; I know that’s how I do sex when I actually do it. I don’t feel sexual attraction toward my partner, but I love the feeling of intimacy that sex can bring, the skin contact and the closeness and the making your partner feel loved.
There is a difference between enthusiastic consent and willing consent, but they are both consent.
That said, you and your wife need to talk frankly about the future of your marriage. It’s painful to realize something about yourself that affects your relationship so much, but she’s inadvertently changed the terms of the marriage. She will be heartbroken over this. You are heartbroken over this. I don’t have the answer but I wish you both the best.
As an asexual that discovered later in life…
Yeah it’s going to suck a lot. You may not actually get the option to be friends, it may be too painful for either or both of you.
No one can say whether or not it’s really going to be a great deal for you. You may be able to find someone you can have sex with and enjoy the rest of your days, just like this wife but with sex. You may find yourself wondering if you can do better again as the normalcy of age and the things that come with it slow things down. Obviously i have a different perspective, i would be gutted to get to the end of my life and found that i gave up good years with my best friend because of a physical activity i can’t even accomplish anymore.
It also really sucks from her end to feel that kind of broken for so long, and violate yourself so much for so many years because you were told you were supposed to, that this is just what people do. The square peg round hole analogy fits there, too. Eventually you end up with your corners beat to shit to fit where you don’t belong, and still it’s always clear that you don’t belong, and now you’re a bit stuck. You’re not a square or a circle, just a damaged object with a shape that doesn’t fit anywhere, and scars that don’t get fresh paint.
Those of us who lean neutral to averse should just stay tf awaaaay from the allos. Yes yes “sOmE aSeXuAlS hAvE sEx”. We know, shut up. That doesn’t mean everyone can just be ok using their body as a masturbation aide, which is what it feels like when you’re with someone you’re just trying to please at your own expense. It’s not worth the grief.
You’re sexually incompatible.
The fact that you feel bad about it means you aren’t a PoS.
Move on.
I hate it when friends or family members seemingly try to rule judgement over situations that they have no business having an opinion in.
Youre allowed to feel mad at your sex life being taken away, just like your wife is allowed to never have sex again if thats what makes her happy. She will have to deal with the fallout of her actions though.
If you love her and she loves you, divorce might not fit here. See if you can find a sexual partner outside of marriage if you both are open to that. If she says she cant do it then its time to move on
Life is way too short to be stuck in a sexless marriage.
FUCK your best friend!! I bet she wouldnt have that same energy if her husband told her he didn’t want sex anymore unless she has little to no sex drive. Imo a healthy sex life is very important, just as much as everything else that matters most like Love. Your reason for divorcing is 100% valid, tbh you have the right to setup your own deal breakers regardless of what anyone else thinks, I mean it’s not your fault that u can’t be Happy without sex.