I (31F) have met up with a guy (37) who told me from the start that he’s not looking for a partner as he is too preoccupied with his career. This is fine, as it is the same case for me, however I don’t have a lot of experience in casual/nsa things and I am unsure what boundaries I need to assert.
We hooked up for the first time last week after talking for some time. We met up for some drinks, he paid for everything, and after about 4 hours having a great time chatting over drinks, he said he was going to head home but said he had such a great time and really wanted to meet me again soon. He then kissed me and I asked him if he was really sure if he wants to go straight home, to which he said he knows he shouldn’t go back to mine as he has an early start and a big day of work, but then said fuck it, cause he apparently really wanted to. The sex itself was excellent from my end and he seemed pretty into it too, raving about it after. He headed back home immediately after as it was about 3 in the morning and he had an early start. I messaged him the day after to thank him and told him to hit me up when he’s keen to hang out again, to which he enthusiastically responded, saying he had such a great time and he definitely will. I’m not anxious regarding his response coming up any time soon, as I know he’s super busy and so am I.
Anyway, I couldn’t help myself and ended up lurking his IG and I can see he’s mutuals with a lot of super sexy girls in their early to mid-20s and he likes their pictures regularly. One girl, in particular, seems to be a 25-year-old ex of his who is a model and posts lots of hot, risqué content (no judgment to her btw or to him for liking, all the power to her). This was a dumb thing to do and I don’t think I’ll be lurking again now, as I’ve become preoccupied with the idea that I could just be a fall back girl/on the back burner until his younger ex decides to get back with him. I’ve also had some female friends in their 30s comment on how men in their 30s are only interested in younger girls these days, so it’s recently given me a complex (even though I look about 25 still).
I’m not saying this guy has done anything wrong, as he told me he didn’t want serious from the start and he has shown a lot of interest and enthusiasm with me when we chatted and met up. However, I think I might be starting to realise that while I wanted something casual at the time of agreeing to this arrangement, I wasn’t aware of how involved I’d get and now I worry I’m catching feelings (or it could just be because I haven’t come across anyone who is actually good in bed for a while). I’m not even much of a jealous person typically, but this whole situation is bringing out an unhinged side of myself that I do not like with the lurking and comparing myself with other women. I’ll also note that I have ADHD and apparently it’s common for many ADHDers to fixate on crushes due to the changes in neurochemistry after intimacy/sex (I’d be keen to know if any of you who also have ADHD might experience something similar and how you manage it).
If I do choose to go ahead with this, is there a way to navigate this to ensure that I dont hurt myself? Also, what boundaries need to be put in place to ensure that this person doesn’t mistreat me in a casual nsa situation?
31 comments
I mean… dude told you he didn’t want more than casual/fwb. He’s not the one with the problem here.
Also.. what do you mean by mistreat? He didn’t mistreat you. You want snooping thru his IG and saw stuff you didn’t want to see
It doesn’t sound like your are a suitable candidate for the FWB arrangement as you have already caught feelings for him. From the moment you stalked him on SM, you proved that you can’t stay within the boundaries.
The FWB arrangement only works with someone who gives you good sex, yet you don’t have any attraction to or there is some major incompatibility that stops you from dreaming of a full relationship with the FWB partner (eg. Major age gap).
This sounds like a lot of those FWB stories where one person gets hurt bc they’ve become attached and feelings are not requited.
The bare minimum you should expect is the bare minimum you want and communicate to him, and that will vary by person.
FWB can be exclusive if that’s what both people want. You’re two busy people who don’t have the time or interest for a serious relationship but agree to not sleep with other people, because of safety or whatever other reasons. That may not be what he wants or agrees to. If he hasn’t / won’t agree to exclusivity you know he’s almost certainly involved with other women and have to decide whether you can handle whatever jealousy that may cause. I know it’s hard- good sex and good chemistry mean a LOT, and I have (and still do) overlook a lot of issues and ignore my own boundaries for that rush of dopamine and oxytocin. No one here on Reddit can tell you 1) what are your ‘musts’ and ‘wants’ for boundaries in this relationship; 2) what, if anything, he’d agree to; and 3) how much you’re willing to compromise for good sex.
Good luck!
To have a FWB/casual relationship you need to be able to have sex without emotions. It seems like a frequent issue where someone goes into a FWB/casual really wanting more or not being able to disconnect sex, but the other person doesn’t want more and can disconnect. They hope that sex or getting to know them will change the arrangement and it almost never does.
You (as well as many other people) need to stop only letting the other person get what they want and acting surprised when you end up not getting what you want because it’s vastly different. You hung out with this guy once and you’re already stalking his social media, getting jealous, and over analyzing things. It does not seem like you’re someone who can disconnect sex from feelings, so you’re not someone who should be doing FWB/casual.
What helps for me is not getting to know them, not talking to them other than planning to meet up, not spending the night, not following any of their SM. If I treat them like a stranger, I won’t feel anything for them.
I did have an off/on FWB over four years that I knew fairly well (we worked together). He was absolutely not someone I’d want as a bf (he was a liar and blamed everything that went wrong in is life on other people) so that helped too.
Sex, that’s it. That’s what to expect. Nothing more, nothing less.
I dont know if I would call this a fwb situation more a fuck buddy….atleast that seems to be the safest way to approach it. If we really need to label things that is.
I see a fwb as someone who I am actually freinds with and happily hang out with regardless of sex being on the table. They might be awesome people but for 1 reason or other compatibility for a committed romantic relationship just isn’t there. The expectation isn’t that every meet is sexual with this person.
A fuck buddy is someone we’re it’s just sex. Sure we enjoy each other’s company but let’s face it it’s mainly just sex. It’s mutually understood that’s what we both are here for.
PERSONALLY for both I’m not expecting any sort of huge commitment or for things to be exclusive. Hope this helps with finding out what boundries you need for this to work.
Expect the bare minimum
If you’re feeling like this right now, you need to cut this person off immediately. There is zero doubt that you are most certainly a fall back girl and girl on the back burner. That’s the definition of FWB. If that isn’t for you, stop seeing him and be honest with yourself. No one who takes the time to write posts worried about a FWB actually only wants a FWB.
My brain isn’t working so I’m gonna just chime in with my two cents by saying that different people have different definitions for these situations so you’re best clarifying exactly what it is if you plan on going further.
I dated a guy earlier in the year who told me that according to him, FWB means doing all the couple stuff aswell as sex but no strings attached and no view to ever be more than just that. F-Buddies are less than that and it is purely sex and then done. No dates or sleepovers or cuddles.
So if you this happens again, I’d start there and just say you want to get on the same page as whoever it is.
As for this guy, sure sounds like a tough one. I think you both made some slip ups if casual is all you wanted but you can’t know these things are the time because hindsight is a hell of a thing.
I have ADHD and definitely feel the thing with sex and attachment which sucks because I am also very impulsive which makes it hard to avoid lol. Thankfully it doesn’t always have to be like that.
I have ADHD too and for sure, I can get hooked on that sweet dopamine when I’m into someone new.
What I do is either not sleep with them until we’re way down the line (1-3 months, or even longer – however long it takes for us to be exclusive, falling for each other, whatever) OR I keep it super super casual (though I’m only good at this if I’m not super interested in the person, just that we have hot chemistry).
You’re high on sex hormones. That’s pretty much all it is. Oxytocin makes you want to bond, so you’re feeling attached to him. There’s nothing wrong with treating this casual situation as a learning experience – see what works, what doesn’t, whether you actually want to do it, etc.
The best way to do a casual thing is to think of them as nothing but a hookup. It doesn’t matter who they’re sleeping with, who they have feelings for, what they do in their spare time – their only role in your life is to hook up and have fun with you (and vice versa).
The age thing is in your head. We all get insecure about something. He likes having sex with you. He’d probably like having sex with other people too.
People do all kinds of shit on social media. The reality is that you don’t know his motivations at all. Stick with the facts, don’t look him up again, keep your own options wide open, and have casual fun if you want to! If it’s too difficult and you’re driving yourself crazy, it just might not be for you.
This situation won’t end well and I think you know that. If you are already struggling with feelings and the urge to investigate social media it’s not likely to get better it’s likely to get worse. But as far as boundaries go I won’t tolerate someone that says they want something casual while behaving like it’s a relationship. Constant texting, jealousy, seeking emotional comfort and connection, etc. This behavior makes me feel like he wants all the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility and/or fidelity. Maybe some people can do that and keep things casual so there’s no judgment if that works for them. But it’s confusing and I know it doesn’t end well for me so I would not tolerate that if I attempted a casual relationship again.
Casual means sex with no strings attached. Both parties have no obligation to provide the support and fidelity one would get in a committed relationship. You meet up with the intent to have sex and that’s it.
You met him once and have caught feelings. Sounds like a casual arrangement isn’t for you, which is okay as it’s not for everyone.
I would not go forward with this. From what you have shared, he hasn’t mistreated you. Just be brief and honest by telling him you had a great time but casual isn’t for you. Then block.
We live and we learn what works for us and what doesn’t. Now that you know that casual isn’t for you, you don’t have to get involved in something like this again.
To answer your question: Sex and respect is all you can expect from them. He doesn’t owe you anything additional; nor do you owe him.
It sounds like if you’re that curious and becoming fixated on what girls he follows on social media, the relationship he is offering is not for you. It seems like it is bringing out some insecurities you say you don’t have otherwise.
If you are already feeling this way, honestly, I wouldn’t go ahead with it. You really have to be on the same page with someone for this kind of relationship to work out well.
That said, if you are going to anyway, you might need more time in between meetings than some people might. And that is actually time away – not time spent looking at his socials or texting a bunch every day, but time actually spent on other things. This is time to physically get over the sort of oxytocin rush stuff. This works for some people. But with the ADHD, I won’t pretend to know if that’s likely to work for you.
Are you finding yourself having thoughts/fantasies about how great he is specifically or would be in a relationship, or is it more just the post-intimacy warm fuzzies mixing with the anxiety about not being “good enough”? Because I think that can say a lot about exactly where your feelings are coming from.
But a relationship that is making you feel not like yourself, even if no one is at fault for it, is just not good. I haven’t really seen people genuinely back off from this kind of thing and then successfully navigate a casual situation from then on out. (Maybe with a different person, though. Not saying you can’t learn if you want to.) More likely you end up hurting yourself.
Not trying to be mean here but of course you’re the fall back girl. That’s what FWBs are for. Otherwise he would date you and see where things go. But he’s telling you from the start that it’s not going anywhere for him. Hopefully you didn’t really believe that he’s too into his career to date. He’s been just fine in that career while dating and being in relationships before so it’s certainly not about that.
If you’re okay with using each other’s bodies temporarily until he finds someone new, then go ahead. But mistreatment in casual NSA situations is pretty standard in that it’s an arrangement in which you’re both using each other. And if you continue on with this, you will get hurt. It just depends on how much damage you’d like to do to yourself. Get out now and be a little sad or get dumped later with much more time wasted and damage done to your psyche and self-esteem.
I also have ADHD and yes, I have been known to hyperfocus on someone I’m seeing when sex is involved. I’ve managed to maintain casual situations and get around this with a few boundaries;
– this may not be for everyone, but I prefer to have more than one casual partner and I see each of them very infrequently (once a month or so)
– I don’t see the same person consecutively (so if I saw guy A last, I must now see someone else until I can see guy A again).
– I personally prefer when there is absolutely no option of anything developing (eg. men in open relationships/open marriages and men who fly into my city for work periodically)
– I do not message unless it’s to arrange meeting up (so no idle chit chat between seeing each other).
– Edit to add: I also don’t add or stalk them on any social media, but that ship has already sailed here.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll notice the fixation and the urge to see them again will be strongest the first few days after sex. It will pass. I find that if I see someone too often, this feeling will inevitably develop into attachment. I tried a FWB where we saw each other weekly and I caught feelings very quickly. So now I only have frequent and ongoing sex with people I am dating for the purpose of something serious (and yes, I pause on all my casual encounters when I’m dating someone).
This seems really similar to the issue you posted 10 months ago about falling for anyone who you sleep with. You’re repeating the same mistakes and wondering why they fail.
Many “busy” people have relationships.
He’s just looking for a hookup, and sounds like he was up front about it. You have to be honest with yourself about whether you are okay with that arrangement as well, and are able to separate the good times from feelings. It’s totally reasonable if you don’t want to put up with that, and I’m sure he would understand if you told him, but don’t fool yourself. I can promise you that anytime a guy (especially if they’re into their 30s/40s and successful) tells you at the beginning “I’m not looking for a relationship” then you should take them at their word and not make it into anything more. You’re completely in your right to bail and say that’s not for you, but be honest with yourself.
Based on your post history, you’re not a FWB/casual kind of lady. That’s the reason this is hard for you, it’s going against what you truly want. You want an actual relationship. I think it’s been hard for you, so you may have decided to go this route and convinced yourself it’s a good idea.
To answer your question though, a FWB in it’s literal sense is a friend with benefits. Idk about you, but I don’t talk to my friends every day, I don’t meet up with my friends every day either. So if you can’t treat this person like a friend that you sex every now and again, then it’s not a real FWB, it’s a great value relationship. If you get upset because lack of communication or they can’t meet up as often as you’d want, then it’s not a FWB because you’re already too emotionally invested. Most people say they want FWB, but in reality they want a relationship.
He shouldn’t kiss you outside of sexual encounters and especially not in public. My FWB and I used to crack that joke, “kiss me in public”, when we had too many out at a bar but we also went too far emotionally and physically by acting like we were together. We called it off and are still the best of friends but that isn’t normal.
I do not recommend engaging further with this man as
I feel you’ve already proven an attachment is forming and it will only get worse for you.
There’s also nothing wrong with NSA agreements because someone is in limbo with another person. A lot of people need and want sex regularly and as long as ground rules are laid and adults are consenting so be it. My SO was going through some serious personal and family issues and took a step back socially from me and friends while he sorted some things out. We were not exclusive at the time and I slept with a couple of my FWB’s while he figured it out.
Everyone has given good advice on the FWB issue. Seems like it doesn’t really work for you.
The other point I’ll make is that you can’t compare yourself to other people’s IG photos or any other social media platform. I’m sure you realize that a lot of people use filters so it’s not worth racking your brain comparing yourself to others. There are always going to be people less attractive and more attractive than you. It doesn’t take away from your own beauty and non-physical qualities.
The only thing you should expect is fantastic sex. If you combine hanging out and doing things together it changes the dynamics of a FWB.
I successfully had a FWB for over a year. We only had great sex. He never stayed the night, nor did I. We never hung out, he didn’t pay for my drinks or dinner because we didn’t go out. I never caught the feelies. Did I like him, yes, but it never went deeper than just sex.
Eventually I met my husband, and I broke off the FWB during a lunch date. It was the only time we went out. We hugged, he wished me well and I told him he should settle down. He laughed.
Don’t complicate things. It seems you are wanting a relationship. So be honest with what you want and don’t hope a FWB will turn into what you want.
…if you’re insecure about this, which is okay and understandable, then, um, you’re not ready for casual/FWB/NSA.
I’ve had casual partners who started crying when I told them I was moving. That’s always a sign that it wasn’t as casual for them as for me.
You are a hookup. That’s it. When a man is truly interested in you, you will have absolutely no doubt.
Grandma mode but FWB’s seemed created and then further designed by men. Not to say that women don’t want casual, don’t love sex and don’t also want no relationship or no relationship with a particular person but i feel like there is a fundamental misunderstanding, still, of the sexuality of men and how disconnected it is to their interior mind.
For me, I would assume the minimum is this:
– Communication of expectations (Ex: can either see other people, can either have sex with other people, does the other person want you spending the night and vice versa, condoms vs no condoms, etc.)
– General communication (Ex: what happens if you meet someone that you want to date seriously)
– Respect for each other’s boundaries & respect in general
– Sex
First of all, I want to say it’s common and okay to think you’ll enjoy something casual and then, at some point in the game, realize you don’t enjoy it. People have feelings and those feelings are often not predictable. This was something you’d not done before and you wanted to try.
That said, I think you need to cut this man off immediately. Just a brief, “turns out I’m not well suited for something casual, but I truly wish you the best!” or something similar would be more than appropriate. Hopefully he’ll understand. If he tries to change your mind, that’s a red flag. If he suddenly says he’s interested in more, that’s a red flag. This guy isn’t for you and you need to move on.
You aren’t going to be able to go backwards and stop wondering about him, other women, etc. and that’s okay. You’re human. But, he made his intentions clear and expecting *anything* outside of (respectful, consensual, equally as pleasurable) sex from him wouldn’t be okay.
Also, don’t do this again!
It’s *okay* to want a serious relationship. Don’t go out on dates with people that aren’t looking for the same thing.
Also, for me at least is a huge red flag that a man in his almost 40s dated/dates a 25 yo. Like no, just no.
Honestly, as everyone else has said, you can only expect sex when he’s available.
Expect to be basically nothing but a booty call. He won’t fall for you and will use you as long as he can. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but it is truth.
Please don’t go down the fwb path. You are going to get hurt, or numb to true lasting love. Read about attachment in psychology.