I (f30) dated my ex (m28) for 6 months. We moved very fast and he told me he loved me after just 2.5 months. We’ve already been on two holidays together and I’ve met all his family.
Last week I found out he hadn’t been fully transparent with me about something. Not full blown cheating but still lied about the relationship he had with another woman in his life.
I ended things immediately because lying is a dealbreaker for me. We argued, I cried a lot, he apologised, he also tried to flip the situation and there was a bit of gaslighting on his part.
He wanted for us to stay together and said he would do whatever it takes. I said no.
He wanted us to stay friends and slowly try to rebuild our relationship and trust for each other. I said no because I need my friends to respect me and I don’t feel like he respects me because he lied to me.
We left both feeling really sad and heartbroken. A few days later he text me and he was angry, saying if the situation was reversed he would not have left me and that I’ve done things in the past that were comparable to what he did (I don’t think I have). The text conversation ended on a bitter note.
Today we met to swap things that we had left at each other’s places. I immediately cried when I saw him as all the feelings came back. He on the other hand was cool, collected, as though I was a stranger. Even the fact I was crying didn’t seem to phase him at all. Suddenly he had no emotion toward me.
I spent the afternoon thinking and decided it’s such a shame to leave on such a sour note. We had a nice relationship and both said things out of anger.
I text him to ask if I could call him and he replied ‘no’. For the record he has never not been immediately available to answer my calls or texts so this threw me.
I messaged again to say I just wanted to clear the air, can we have a conversation or would he prefer I leave him alone? He has not replied and it has been a few hours.
I get that I hurt him by leaving him but considering it was him who lied to me about another woman, considering he was ‘in love’ with me just one week ago and asking to try to make our relationship work or at least stay friends, how can he suddenly be so cold? Why does he suddenly want nothing to do with me? It really hurts and I feel like he can’t have ever cared about me that much if it’s so easy to drop me overnight.
Tldr: I broke up with bf because he lied to me. He begged to stay together but a week later won’t even speak to me.
24 comments
He sounds extremely toxic I’m sorry to tell you. This back and forth, push and pull is just going to hurt you more in the end. I also think you should be honest with yourself that you don’t want to just clear the air- you want to get back together.
I’m not sure exactly what you’re expecting. You rightfully ended things, rightfully cut off any attempts for him to stay in your life.
Now you want the two of you to be cozy with one another? Your relationship had a shitty ending. It happens.
Game of Thrones had a shitty ending too. I prefer to remember the good first few seasons fondly and just not waste mental energy on being hung up about how it ended.
Some people turn off emotions in order to protect themselves. Also, what is the point in talking? You aren’t going to get back together and you aren’t going to be friends so he’s simply enforcing the boundaries that you set. You’re looking for comfort from him but that isn’t going to happen because he can’t go back in time and undo what he did and you made it clear there was no possibility of forgiveness or second chances so there’s nothing he can possibly do. Given the circumstances he’s doing the right thing by not engaging.
You might as well block him and move on. You were right to end things, but you can’t force him to react a certain way just to fit a narrative you’d like to happen.
Ummmm you ended things and refused to work on things. You have to accept his choice just like he accepted yours. If you wanted to work on things you should have when he was trying.
What was the lie??
Breakups hurt. He’s most likely shutting down emotionally to lessen the hurt. He’s entitled to feel what he’s feeling and does not owe you an ending on a positive note just because you want one; no more than you owed him a second chance just because he wanted one.
Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. That’s not fair. Leave him be so you both can start moving forward.
Him not showing emotion doesn’t seem surprising since men are usually conditioned not to cry or show any signs of sadness or being upset, so it’s possible he was upset but was just keeping it inside. As for the rest of it… you seemed to set a pretty clear boundary that he’s now fully respecting. From what I can tell based on the info you’ve provided, you gave him no reason to think that a friendly reconciliation was an option. He was wrong to lie and gaslight you for sure, but he already tried once to see if you could work things out in some way and you said no. For the faults that he does seem to have, he’s at least doing the right thing by respecting the boundary you set and not putting you both in a position to mess with each other’s emotions even more.
Look, you informed the guy (rightly) that since he lied to you about something important, you could neither continue in the relationship nor be friends, because the trust and respect isn’t there.
That should be the end of it. You trying to “clear the air” with him is, honestly, a little ridiculous. I get that you feel bad about how it ended, but you need to take responsibility for your own feelings, here. It’s unkind to make him rehash the breakup conversation with you, just so you can feel better. Leave him alone.
😑. What exactly is the problem here? You ended it with him (over an amorphous lie that even you say isn’t relevant to your time together), he tried to repair things on multiple occasions and you repeatedly said “no”.
“For the record he has never not been immediately available to answer my calls or texts…” Why should a past partner continue to be constantly available to you?
You’re upset he stopped chasing you. There is no “air to clear”. Let him be and move on, particularly since you were the one who broke up with him.
Most of the time, “closure” is a myth.
you broke up. there’s no need to stay in contact and clearly he no longer wants to be friends. just block him and move on
It’s too soon to try to be friends. You’re right- your friends should respect you, and if he doesn’t there’s no point in trying to force a friendship. However, if you do want to keep him in your life you both need time to grieve the relationship before that can happen in earnest.
I don’t think you actually want him back in any capacity, friend or otherwise. Your ego is just hurt because you thought he would be more upset by the breakup and you’re confused why he isn’t.
What are you hoping to happen from this talk? That you do find out he still cares so your ego can feel better? That’s kinda what it seems. Just stop contact for both of your sake.
Way too little context. What did he lie about? What did he say you did? What did you do?
From the outside looking in, he probably realized he screwed up. Sounds like he loved you, and wanted to fix things. You broke his heart. This sounds like him just putting up his defenses again. When I’ve acted like this, it is because I no longer feel any security in being vulnerable with someone who hurt me.
This isn’t to say you weren’t justified, I just don’t know all the details.
You deserve better and will find better. Block him and forget him
I think you will find answers in Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” song if you haven’t yet heard it.
“I was cold and not wanting to talk to my ex but now he’s being cold and not wanting to talk to me what do I do???”
Sometimes when you end things on strong emotions you end up regretting it. He has now accepted the fact that you are done, but you haven’t.
You chose to end the relationship because he did not respect your boundaries, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Everyone moves on in their own way, its sounds like his way is to detach from his emotions by shutting down.
Just because you changed your mind after seeing him and/or want to be friends now, doesn’t mean he owes you any extra closure.
Sorry to be harsh but it’s over so you need to process the breakup internally and move on.
Also ask yourself why you’re connecting your worthiness to his lack of an emotional reaction after seeing you.
You don’t need his validation to confirm that breakups suck. Tying whether or not you’re worth fighting for or meant something to him to one post-breakup interaction doesn’t sound like a good use of your energy.
Trust the decision you made and let go so you can heal.
Don’t get attached to things or people. They come and go .
This reads like you’re upset that he stopped arguing with your decision to break up. You can’t control his level of warmth towards you now, but luckily you’ve exchanged your stuff so you can (and should) stop contacting him. I kind of wonder how reasonable your assessment of his “lack of transparency” is, honestly, because your expectations here seem a bit off.
I get that you want to talk to him and clear the air. I am not surprised by you ending things as this was clearly a line in the sand for you, which is absolutely fine. People handle and process things differently. I am not surprised by his reaction to you either, being stoic and emotionally unavailable. Just have peace within yourself knowing that you did the right thing for you, and move on. He will come to terms with things on his own time, and if it is meant to be that your paths cross again, maybe then it will be the right time to have that conversation, or maybe not. And that it okay. I completely understand what you mean though. It has been 5 months since my ex and I split, and every time I have to talk to him or he reaches out to me, I cry. I just miss the companionship that we had and I mourn the loss of the relationship, even though I know a line was crossed and we can’t backtrack at this point.
Gracefully bow out, proud of your truth and sticking to it, and knowing that this is just the way things end sometimes. -hugs-
“He on the other hand was cool, collected, as though I was a stranger. Even the fact I was crying didn’t seem to phase him at all.”
Honestly, in his position i would try to do the same.
What he actually did remains unclear, but notheless you decided to end things.
I asked to stay together or at least stay friends and try to rebuild some kind of relationship, you denied both.
If i would then meet up with you, i would also try to stay cool and collected, one reason pride.
But one reason also, to respect your decision and not disrespect you by bagging and pleading.
On one hand, you can always give it a few month and then try to rebuild some kind of relationship, there is nothing bad with reaching out.
On the other hand, there is stuff like that: “Why does he suddenly want nothing to do with me? It really hurts and I feel like he can’t have ever cared about me that much if it’s so easy to drop me overnight.”
Which honestly just sounds very selfcentered and inmature.
Why would he not want to be in contact with you at the moment. Because he is deeply hurt i guess? And people can and the same time still care, but also protect themself.
I am not defending whatever he did, but it just sounds like you exploded and are now complaining about the fallout of that explosion.
So you held firm on a boundary and now you’re trying to walk that boundary back later?
Look lying is a boundary, you can’t be with a liar even on a friend level, that’s good. What you can’t do is a day or week later try to walk back because that’s saying “hey my values and actions don’t align”. If someone lies to you and that’s a value-boundary you need to honor it for yourself because the next guy or girl who lies to you and lets you walk back your own boundary will know you don’t value YOURSELF consequently taking you for a ride.
Move forward, find a not a liar and be proud of having boundaries. Learn to honor yourself and your values for yourself AND others.