this is my first ever reddit post. i just made this account today because i’d really like advice on what to do in this situation. thank you so much if you decide to read and give me some advice.
the beginning of this mess, for me at least, was june 19th of this year. my mom (45F) and my dad (45M) have been married for a long time—i don’t know the exact length, but i’d say at least twenty years. that day they were having a super loud fight. i (14F) stayed in my room trying to ignore it by playing a rhythm game, as one does. then the fighting sort of stopped, but my sister (17F) and i were called to the dining room.
my mom and dad were at the table, looking distressed. lots of stuff was said but the summary was that my dad was tired of fighting and didn’t feel like he belonged in our family anymore. he didn’t say anything about divorce but he sure as hell was implying that he wanted one. my sister, who was more aware of this conflict between my parents than i was at the time, snapped at both of them saying that she was tired of their fights and that all she wanted was for her sister (me) and herself to be safe. she told them to go somewhere else if they were going to keep on fighting, and they did.
my sister later comforted me because i was confused and upset, but for the rest of the day we were in our respective rooms trying to cope. my parents came home at around 11 p.m. (23:00 for international friends.)
the fighting died down, to me at least, but i noticed my parents weren’t talking anymore and my dad was sleeping on the couch instead of their shared room. i’ve noticed he’s also listening to an audiobook called “should i stay or should i go?”
flash forward to today, july 3. i was in my room minding my business as usual. my mom then came in, very visibly upset. she told me that my dad was planning on divorcing her and selling our house and other properties, etc. she wanted to ask me if i could write him a letter telling him that he should stay and not divorce my mom. this is because i had to write a letter to my parents for my eighth grade graduation, and despite how half-assed my letter to them was, it made them cry. my mom told me that because i’m my father’s child, he has a soft spot for me and will listen to me. i told her i’d write the letter, and she said some other things but they’re irrelevant for the most part.
this has singlehandedly ruined my day lmao. i already have to deal with regular fourteen year old things like my current summer school classes and an annoying crush, and that’s almost too much for me already. i’ve basically been tasked with mending my parents’ relationship.
i’ve told my friends and they offered places to stay and support, but like me, they’re all fourteen and don’t know how to deal with this sort of heavy stuff either. i also can’t go to my sister for help right now because she’s on an international school trip and i don’t want to ruin her fun by dropping this news on her. it’s the summer before her senior year and i don’t want her to be stressed during a time she’s supposed to be having a good time with her friends.
jsyk: my dad is very firm on his decision to divorce my mom. they’ve tried therapy and couple’s counseling, but he said he doesn’t want to do that anymore and just wants the divorce.
TL;DR: my dad (45M) is planning on divorcing my mom (45F). my mom wants me (14F) to write my dad a letter telling him not to divorce her as a last resort. the fate of my parents’ marriage is basically in my hands and i’m super stressed about what to do. i understand both sides, but i personally don’t want my parents to get divorced.
what should i tell my dad? should i tell him that even though i understand him, i’m mad at him? should i tell him that i don’t want them to split because it’ll ruin my home life? what should i do?
thanks for reading and helping out. it’s super appreciated 💗
22 comments
Ya moms was shady for putting this much on your shoulders, when you’re a kid. It’s not your job to save their marriage.
Do not let your mother pull you into her relationship problems, especially at 14. Talk to your dad if you want to, but don’t do the manipulative letter that your mom wants you to write.
Your mom should NOT be putting this on you, it’s cruel and inappropriate
This is not your job.
If you mom want to fix her marriage. She has to fix it.
Honestly if you write the letter you’re only going to make him more sure in his decision to leave her, as this is like exactly what you do not do as a parent.
Dont write the letter. Tell your mom that her relationship is her issue and if she and he cant work it out that its probably better for the fighting to stop even if it means divorce.
This is not your problem to fix. Your mom is behaving poorly and obviously not thinking clearly.
You aren’t responsible for her life or her decisions.
I think it’s obvious it was wrong for her to put this pressure on you, so this is what little advice I could think of on the spot, hope it helps.
Maybe let your mum know how you feel about what she’s asked you to do. Like clearly explain to her the pressure you’re feeling or anxiety/stress (i don’t wanna put words in your mouth) and really make it clear that although you love her and want to make her happy, writing this letter is something you are not comfortable doing. I hope that when she sees how distressed you are, she might realise it was the wrong decision to ask you to do that.
I know it might be hard to tell her and I know I 100% would be anxious to do this at 14 too but this is honestly a great way to set boundaries with your family early on. She’s your mum and she loves you! You can do it 🙂
Your mom is 100% wrong for asking you to do this. You’re a teen, and your shoulders are not the ones that their marriage rests upon. Mom is trying to use you to guilt Dad into staying in the marriage, and frankly, if guilt is the only card she has left to play, the marriage is already dead and gone.
Tell your momma that she and your dad need to handle this.
Good luck, I wish you well.
You are not your parents’ marriage counselor. No matter how old you get, you still won’t ever be responsible for their relationship. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position. None of this is your fault, nor is it your problem to solve.
How bout instead of you, your mom should write a letter to your father admitting that she was willing to use her daughter as leverage in a desperate attempt to mend her relationship, then admit that the she is part of the problem, accept the divorce is something she can’t change and to grow up.
your mom should never have asked you to do this. she was wrong to ask. she put you in a bad spot. ask if you can get a therapist for you and your sister to help you navigate the new dynamic. let both your parents know you love them and it is not fair or right for either one to ask you to take sides. if there is another family member or friend to stay with for a bit, please do. I am sorry your family is going through this. it will be a painful time but once it is over and everyone heals, you should see happier parents and will be happier too. This is not an overnight or one month journey.
It’s not fair of your Mom to be putting this on you AT ALL. She is giving her 14 year old daughter an adult problem and quite frankly sticking you in the middle by trying to guilt trip your father. You DO NOT have to do this.
As far as what you should do? Focus on you. Spend time with friends and do the things you really enjoy. Changes are hard, especially big ones like a divorce but your parents are both adults and from the sounds of it stepping away from a toxic relationship. Don’t let your moms feelings about your dad or your dads feelings about your mom get in your head. They are both still your parents and they both love you. If anything you yourself going to counseling isn’t a bad idea.
Don’t. I’m in this situation as an adult, regardless of age it’s still not appropriate to ask, ESPECIALLY NOT to a teenager. Wildly inappropriate to put that on you. She is the parent and she has to handle it. None of this is your responsibility.
I have a 13 yr old and a 15 yr old, and I would **never** burden them with something like this.
This is not your responsibility.
Parents should never use their kids as pawns in their marriage.
Based on what your dad and sister both said, IS there a lot of fighting at home? I know it feels like this is all on you, but in reality it’s really not. As you can see from other responses, your mother should never have brought her child into her marriage problems, because that’s what they are: marriage problems. You are the child, they are the parents, their relationship should stay between them. Of course life is messier than that, but it really wasn’t kind of your mother to ask you that. Kids always feel like a divorce is their fault anyhow, and your mom, in her desperation, is really setting you up for some long term baggage by trying to make you do this. If you feel comfortable, I’d go to her and say that you can’t have all this pressure put on your shoulders and that you’d rather not write a letter to your dad.
I mean, your dad said he doesn’t even feel like he’s part of the family anymore. Whatever he’s going through is big feelings stuff. Maybe your parents will let you go to therapy so you have a safe place to work through what is probably going to happen. Because no matter what, they are adults making adult decisions for adult reasons, and none of that should be something you have to worry about.
It isn’t up to you for your parents to divorce or not. It’s up to your parents to choose what to do. And honestly? If I were your dad and found out that your mom was trying to use you to manipulate me to stay? Nothing could save that marriage. So feel free to write a note to your dad saying that your mom asked you to write a letter to ask him to stay, so at once you keep your word to your mom while giving your dad the information about why you wrote him that note.
Be sure to write your mother a letter as well, saying that her actions are manipulative and harmful to the emotional well-being of her children. That your parents will always be your parents, but that you are not and cannot be their marriage counselor since you are a CHILD. You expect your parents to act like adults and communicate with each other, and if they must use a third party to facilitate their communication it cannot be one of their children, and you refuse to be a mediator in their marriage.
Your mom is dumping this on you because your sister has already turned her down.
If you write the letter and dad still divorces your mom, then your mom can blame you.
Politely say “The two of you need to work this out. I am not a marriage counselor”.
Your mom is wrong for asking anyone to do this. Their marriage is between the two of them.
Either they go to professional marriage counseling and figure it out or he moves out.
You should never have to choose, take sides, support, etc., when your parents have trouble. You also shouldn’t have to be the peacekeeper or the mediator. You are a child.
Nope, nope, nope.
I was put in the middle of my parent’s divorce when I was 16. It caused a lot of psychological and emotional damage that I was unable to see at the time, despite feeling like I understood what was happening.
Your job right now is to focus on *your* needs and to speak *your* truth. Your parents are reverting to lower maturity levels and putting you in scenarios that are *absolutely not OK*, especially your Mom.
Focus on:
*protecting yourself from their issues, don’t let them put you in the middle or use you as a pawn
*getting therapy to help you work through the damage
*staying in your school district (if this is important to you, it was vital for me)
*reaching out to your support system (grandparents, your sibling, friends with similar experiences, teachers, etc. My band teacher ended up being my saving grace.)
This is between your parents, and they need to prioritize your best interest as they work through their divorce. I’m so sorry you are going through this, but you sound like a very mature and capable person.
Your parent’s feelings are their responsibility. Prioritize your own future as this plays out. Find your people to help you through. You got this.
Stay out of it as best you can. Avoid when possible. Ask not to be put in the middle.
Not up to you to save your parents marriage. As a young teenager you have enough to worry about.