Me(f23) and my boyfriend ‘Mike’ (m24) have been together for a year and a half. We don’t fight at all, if we have a problem we talk it out. His sister ‘Lola’ (f14) is our only problem(she is very possessive).
In the beggining of the relationship Mike told me Lola was jealous of me because I spend time with him. She has no friends and expects him to have no life and be with her 24/7. I only see him on weekends and those are the only two days a week we see each other because of work. The problem is that she always wants to hang with us (even if she does not like me). That would be okay if it happened once in a while, but honestly at this point I feel like I’m dating both of them. He feels the same way but at the end we both feel sorry for her not having any friends and try to include her more.
I just don’t feel like she has to be everywhere. We went on a trip with a few friends, she came along. His friends come over, she comes into the room. She is literally everywhere. Also, she never knocks on his door when she comes in the room, which you know….is really not okay.
A girl from Lola’s school told her they would go out and when they were supposed to meet her friend said that she actually can’t go out. Lola’s and Mike’s mom then asked me if i could take her to the city instead. I said yes because I have a good relationship with their mom and don’t want to ruin it over Lola. I cried the next 15 minutes while I was getting ready because I really didn’t want to go(I am really anxious and I don’t go out much and…I don’t really like her or want to spend time with her).
Another problem is that him and I can’t move in together for at least 4 more years because he is waiting for her to turn 18. Mike doesn’t want to leave her alone with their parents because they don’t have a very healthy relationship. Don’t get me wrong, respect for that, but again, it affects me.
Most of the time I feel bad for having all these feelings because she is in puberty and is just a kid after all. Things just kept adding up and at this point I am always annoyed when I see her. I am very emotional and sensitive and this is really too much for me at this point.
Do you think there is anything I should/can do? Or am I just overreacting?
TLDR: My boyfriend’s sister is possessive and jealous of me for spending time with my boyfriend. She makes me feel bad for spending 2 days a week with him. I don’t know how much long I can take it.
9 comments
This is a matter for her parents and your boyfriend to manage. It’s nice that you invite her to things, but she needs friends her own age s and he needs to set the right boundaries with her. But why aren’t her parents more involved with this situation?
It sounds like he has taken on more of a parental role and that is impacting your relationship. You need time for just the two of you and lil sis needs to be spending time building friendships. You need to have a serious talk with BF about your needs (which are not unreasonable). If he cannot make time for you because of little sister, he is not ready to have a relationship with you.
OP, it sounds like you are hyper-focusing on Lola because you REALLY don’t want to face that this entire situation is indicative of the entire family dynamic.
That means the mom — who you have a close relationship with — started this problem and benefits from the current dynamic.
Focusing on Lola is focusing on the symptom as opposed to seeing the root of the illness.
One more thing: if Mike has been parentified to this degree, don’t expect this to get easier when Lola turns 18. Ask any parent … parenting doesn’t necessarily end at age 18. It sounds like Mike has had to BE THE PARENT (the age gap and parents pushing Lola off on Mike is a big clue here) and I’ve not seen parents magically become involved once their kids become adults.
This is who they are. And it’s a lot bigger than Lola. A LOT bigger … I’m saying that from professional (child support and social services) and personal experience.
And I understand why you have averted your eyes from the truth. But here it is. To understand your boyfriend, you need to understand the enormity of what it is he has to turn his back on. Have some empathy here. This guy was born into a mess and getting out of it won’t be easy.
The problem is not the little girl but you two. You said it yourself. Both of you feel sorry for her so you do what she wants. You guys are grown up. So put boundaries. Manage your time. Take her out every other weekend. Hey little girl have some manners and knock before coming into our room especially when we are alone. You are old enough to show respect and understand that grown ups can be affectionate. You non stop talk about her behavior but not one time did you mention that you guys made any attempts to rectify it and she threw a tantrum. Your behavior shows her that this is ok so why would she stop.
Healthy boundaries in a relationship includes family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc. Two grown up discuss what’s ok and what’s not in their relationship. So have a talk with your boyfriend and discuss how to deal with this. This is a good lesson for your relationship. Always communicate and have an open dialogue with your partner when you have a problem. You are not expected nor should you solve this on your own. Manage it together. That’s what a relationship is all about. Sharing feelings and decisions.
Nah he needs to set boundaries w his little sister it wont kill her if he tells her he needs special private time w his girlfriend.
Also, he wont move out till shes 18? How abusive are the parents that she cant be there alone ?
With how things are going, she will likely be moving in with you and your bf when she turns 18. It shouldn’t be a surprise to you because he is actively setting her up to believe that he is her parental figure/savior from their parents.
I think if you really want things to change, *he* needs to be the one setting the boundary with her. He can start by letting her know that while he enjoys hanging out all 3 of you sometimes, there are times that he needs alone with you. Start with every other weekend then gradually increase to only hanging all three of you one weekend out of the month. He also needs to be the one to tell her to start knocking first, and put a lock on his door until she learns. Lastly, he needs to encourage her to start making her own friends at school, because right now he is her crutch. It’s great that she trusts him and enjoys spending time with her older brother, but she is solely relying on him for happiness and entertainment. She will never learn to float if she actively avoids going near the pool – she’ll never make friends if she never sees a need to try and put herself out there.
Unfortunately for you, this is all on boyfriend because it appears his parents refuse to do anything about it. Don’t be surprised though if she or even his parents starts to blame you as the cause because he waited this long to set boundaries.
I think it’s a dangerous assumption that anything will change when she turns 18. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up moving in with you and your boyfriend so that they can both escape whatever you’re alluding to happening with their parents at home.
This is a complicated one, but your BF and the parents need to set boundaries. Do you honestly think you can take *four more years* of this? You and the BF can’t be her only friends and you can’t make your relationship miserable by having her be a constant third wheel. And her barging into his room is obviously inappropriate and obnoxious and intrusive.
But the parents can’t enable this behavior – or, it sounds like they DO, but they’re the main problem here. The sister has already grown up like he did. There’s no going back on that. This needs to stop or you should move on, or the sister will be an anchor on your relationship forever.
*”Do you think there is anything I should/can do?”*
Yes: break up. It’s not your job to raise Lola or find her some friends. It’s not even your bf’s job. But he’s taken that upon himself and there’s no real reason for you to sign up for 4 years of weekend-only dates/alone time.