Not a fan of hookups and I feel a bit down about it

10 comments

1. Hey, just so you know this relationship advice sub is not for issues with body counts /numbers of previous sexual partners. It’s whatever if that’s your hang up, but that kind of question isn’t allowed by the rules.

   If sex is gross to you, do you think you might be asexual?

2. Hookups aren’t for me (25M) either. Honestly, I went through a hookup “phase” for a bit, and it honestly made me feel worse than not getting laid. If you’re not into it, don’t let others pressure or give you anxiety about it (easier said than done). If they’re really your friends, ask them to leave you alone and to respect your bodily autonomy.

3. I understand how you feel and I feel the same way about hookup, however I am female so I don’t feel the same about of pressure to sleep around.

   I think you can try apps however some are mainly used for hookups. The dating scene is rough.

   When going on dates don’t think of them as a competition. It isn’t, you are trying to see if the person is right for YOU and giving your best to show your true self (although always a little better) to them. You don’t have to fight any competition because this isn’t one, it’s exchanging information and seeing how the chemistry is.

   This may not help a lot but, you’ll find someone if you want. In the mean time get used to being by yourself, it’s always a useful thing.

4. If it comes up again, tell your friends firmly you aren’t into hookups and are looking for something more serious. You may be taking their banter more seriously than they intended it. If they keep hassling you, tell them you’ve heard enough and change the subject. If they keep on at you after that, walk out and reconsider your friend group.

   It was a long time ago, but when I was single in the years after high school, I was also looking for a relationship. My mates would give me shit about not having sex. I would just tell them they had a weird interest in what I did with my dick, which usually shut them up.

   There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to have a relationship instead of random sex with strangers. This will make you a rare commodity among men of your age – it’s an advantage for you because many women feel as you do.

5. I’ve never liked hookups. It’s not really my thing, but I’ve had friends who would pushed me into finding someone. I decided long ago that I’m not that person and it’s important that you let your friends know if needed. If they don’t understand you, it’s not about you being wrong but about them not respecting your decision.

6. My thoughts are: there’s nothing wrong with not being into hook ups, but if you want to explore any possible reasons why you might have issues around sex, that’s a good thing to do for your own peace of mind. Mind you, at the end of therapy you **still** might not be into hook ups and that would still be fine. And your friends need to back off.

7. There’s nothing wrong with hookups but it isn’t my thing. Tried it once back in the day and never again. Told friends that I’m a serial monogamist (albeit with some large breaks in between so that could be a misnomer) and it was fine.

   I don’t see a problem, but always be clear with people that you aren’t into hooking up personally and prefer relationships.

8. 24 male here, not a fan of hookups myself though I’ve had a few here and there. I understand why it works for some or many, it worked for me for a time as well. Hookups I feel are for people who either aren’t interested in dating or don’t have the time to invest into dating but want to have someone to have fun with. One night stands are the hookups of the past, they still happen but now hookups are much more common and popular with apps like Hinge and Tinder. People are rushing into relationships rather fast and have the opportunity to find someone with the swipe of a finger on their phone screen. My friend is a victim of this, he swipes for hookups, gets into a relationship with someone, it doesn’t work out months or years later, and he repeats the process rather than work on himself or enjoy his free time.

   I don’t mind hookups and I don’t judge for those who enjoy them. I’ve experienced hookups before with mixed progress. Twice have I found myself compatible with someone sexually, but not romantically, but we vibes enough to become friends with benefits. And twice did I have to end both relationships because they started to get attached and I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Although in retrospect, I was never interested in them romantically. They were attractive and fun in bed, but had their own issues or responsibilities that I did not want to be a part of. Being a single mom for example with one of them.

   Don’t feel down my dude, try to enjoy your freedom as a single man. Explore, travel, try new things or enjoy your hobbies, build or join new social circles and just be yourself. You don’t need a relationship or a hookup to be happy, and often when you yourself are happy that is when people start to find you attractive as well.

9. You maybe on the asexual spectrum. I myself am a demisexual, and can’t stand the hookup culture similar to what you said. I’d take a look at r/demisexuality there’s some information there that may help you.

10. You aren’t in a space for sex right now. And when you are it will be with someone you want to have a relationship with, not a hook up.

    That’s all.

    It’s not anybody’s business. But I suggest you get used to saying the above or some other simple phrase when nosy people get nosy. If people persist, change the subject.

    You are not someone who likes to hook up, and you can’t force it. So right now you are being celibate until you find someone you want to pursue.

    That’s pretty natural. Hook ups aren’t for everyone. You’re ok.