Any suggestions on how this convo could have gone better? I’m trying to work on helping him be a better listener when I talk about my emotions, but am finding it difficult to pinpoint what he’s doing right/wrong without him feeling like I’m trying to tell him exactly how to respond.

15 comments

1. [deleted]

2. Don’t have this conversation via text would be 1st step.

   It seems like you’re dropping big emotional bombs, and honestly, he is rattled and confused. Which texting doesn’t help.

   Have the conversation in person and be very clear about how you feel, and how that fits into your reality.

3. “Trying to help him be a better listener”… you act like you’re doing him a favor. You’re not. You want things out of him, at least be honest with yourself about that.

   This is, ultimately, the problem with the whole “I JUST WANT YOU TO LISTEN!” thing, it’s an extremely selfish point of view. The mother of his child is saying she regrets motherhood. He’s allowed to have emotions about that. He isn’t your employee or your therapist.

   He’s being extremely kind and gracious in that exchange.

   He doesn’t need ANY help.

4. This sounds like you need a therapist to work through some of your concerns and worries. Your husband isn’t your therapist and dropping “I’m unhappy about our life” bombs on him over text is a textbook way to start a fight and scare the shit out of your partner, regardless of your intent.
   Stop texting about big, emotional things and keep that stuff face to face when he can get all the context clues he needs to understand you better.
   Also, depression during pregnancy isn’t unheard of (pretty common, actually) and your feelings and concerns about impending motherhood are valid and shared with a lot of other pregnant people. Talk to your OB about it and they can get you connected to some folks to help you out and give you some tools to help deal with it. Trying to work through your feelings by only texting your partner about it is going to hurt your relationship and not lead to you getting the help you need.

5. You are terrible at communication and he has so much patience and even said he was sorry for not guessing more between the lines of what you may have wanted to say

6. What did I just read???

7. I’m appreciating the honest feedback a lot. My intentions were to just express to him why I was feeling down, which is just that I wish our circumstances were different. I was initially bothered because I felt like he was jumping to conclusions, but these comments are helping me to see how I led him to that conclusion, and letting me know what I need to be sure to address when I see him in person soon.

8. Both of your communication skills <<< you also should not be having this conversation through texts. At all. According to your post history you live together, why didn’t you have this conversation in person? Also according to your post history, it seems as though this is an unsafe living arrangement. Why are you subjecting yourself to this

9. 1. These huge discussions are not okay over text
   2. Your expecting partner to help you but your giving them huge emotional things to work through over text
   3 you need a therapist to work these things in your head. Your partner is trying to be supportive

10. I still failed to comprehend these text messages. Y’all communicate like children.

11. I honestly don’t think it’s him. He’s hearing exactly what you’re saying, but you aren’t effectively communicating what you’re feeling. You need to more effectively verbalized the things that are bothering you (I wish we had more time to travel, more money, a bigger house etc), instead of just dropping blanket statements that don’t give him any actual insight into your feelings. Be more specific so he can understand and respond.

12. Why are you even having this convo via text?

13. I think there are a few things here. Most have criticized the communication style here so I won’t hop on that. I think the best way to communicate with him, especially since this is now going to be a lifetime attachment with him, is to have a conversation in person. Your emotions since you’re pregnant are raging and to be having anxious thoughts are completely natural. I’m not sure how far along you are or your thoughts on alternative options but if you truly feel like you’re not ready/equipped to care for another being that will be dependent on you financially, mentally, and physically for the next 18+ years, I would implore you to truly think about those. I have a friend that so badly wanted to be a mom, got pregnant, but in that moment, wasn’t ready. She exercised her right to choose and is in a vastly different place in life now. She’s now planning that life, including children, with a completely different man and couldn’t be happier. Either way, whether these are just pregnancy emotions or gut feelings of not being ready, please have that conversation with the father. He seems supportive and wants to help/listen however he can but you seem to give him just a hint and expect him to understand your full thought process. Give him the “why.” You don’t feel like you have a lot going for yourselves…Give him more on that (like does at mean more money saved or in a better space in your careers). Basically the point is, make sure you are 10000% committed to parenthood and if so, give him more. You gave him an inch when he needs a mile. While he may need to be a better listener, from this conversation, I think you should work on being a better communicator. Hope this helps!

14. ‘I’m trying to work on helping him be a better listener’ This is already a mistake. Why are you trying to make someone into something? The truth is, the only power to help you have is to help yourself. One becomes better listener by wanting to be one and working on it, not someone else training them.

15. I think he’s being patient and you’re the one just venting and dropping bombs and expect him not to take what you’re saying personally? Put down the phone and talk in person. I think anyone would start to feel a little attacked if they say these things about starting a family with them. And really, how is he supposed to respond to that?