I’m 22/F and I wouldn’t consider myself beautiful. When I go outside I see so many beautiful people, men and women and I find myself pondering over this idea of beauty. There are women who are just flawless, so elegant. But I’m the opposite of all this perfection, I’m shabby and clumsy, always uncomfortable and awkward and I wonder what it would’ve been if I were beautiful. Just the thought makes me teary eyed.
I understand that everyone has insecurities but I find it so difficult to deal with it. I’m fat, not morbidly obese but definitely beyond the traditional beauty standards. I am quite ugly too. On top of that, I’ve got social anxiety which makes it all the more difficult.
I always think that people find me disgusting and it is so very kind of them to allow such an ugly creature among themselves. Going to malls, cinema, grocery stores and even the gas station is such a torture. I just hate looking at myself, I’ve got flabby arms and waist, body hair and so much more. I sometimes wish I were invisible. Because living thus is a torment surely.
I’m a movie buff and I enjoy period dramas because they take me far away from my reality. Beautiful characters, charming women, handsome gentlemen and perfect stories. Perfect… And here I am, perpetually drowned in the darkness of my own self. My self esteem is so low I can’t look at people in the eye.
What is wrong with me?
From a male perspective, would you ever befriend a person like me or would you run away? I’ve got no male friends so no experience in that regard as to what men think. Everywhere around me, I’ve only seen beautiful women having male friends and I was just wondering. Are people like me a repellent? Please answer honestly. I want your perspective and opinions. I would really like a male friend in my life with whom I can share my thoughts and ideas and discuss poetry and novels. But this seems utopia.
Do you think there will be someone who’d not judge me for my ugly and unbecoming self and will befriend me for my personality? Can ugly people find love and experience romance just as we read in the books?
(Deep sigh) I’ve let these emotions flow freely and i feel so good now. I’m so sorry if I’ve bothered you all with this depressing and long post.