I (F29) have two fathers.
My birth father didn’t have any contact with me for all of my life until I reached out to him a couple of years ago. He had made no attempts to contact me in that time. Now I see him a couple of times a year. He’s apologetic for not having been more involved and it seems genuine and he’s trying hard to involve me in his family more. I’m a little resistant because I’m an adult and I don’t need a dad/daughter relationship with him, but we’re friends and I enjoy the times I spend with him. He pays attention to what I say, puts effort into gifts at birthdays and says he’s proud of me.
My stepfather adopted me when I was little. He never treated me any different to my siblings who are his birth children. He was an okay father for most of my childhood. When I was 16 he split up with my mother and remained present for a couple of years, but when he remarried and had a new family and moved away he stopped making the effort (not just with me but with his other children too). I used to see him about twice a year but since covid it’s much less. I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas day which was a 2 minute courtesy call. He doesn’t remember things about me, I don’t tend to get gifts from him and if I do they’re actively things that I dislike. He doesn’t approve of my job. He’s never given me any sort of compliment as an adult woman, and anything I achieve he either downplays it or ignores it.
I’m getting married next year. The plan was to invite my stepfather because he is the person who raised me and the person I consider my dad. However its clear to me that my birth father is putting in a lot more effort into having a relationship with me than my stepfather is.
If my stepfather attends, there’s a risk he could say / do something to upset me on the day. If he doesn’t attend, then that means causing myself trouble that I could do without and would impact on relationships with other important people in my family like my grandparents whom I love but who don’t recognise that my stepfather has been a bit shit.
If my birthfather attends it’ll be a bit strange because he doesn’t really fit, but I know he’d be delighted to be invited. If he doesn’t attend it doesn’t make a whole lot of difference because I don’t think he’s expecting an invite.
If they both attend that would be uncomfortable for me, and again, drama I could do without.
Any advice welcome!🙏
tldr; I have two fathers who have both been a bit shit at points in my life. Which, or both or neither, should come to my wedding?
5 comments
Your stepfather appears to have removed himself from your life and based on your description, doesn’t seem to want a relationship.
I would invite the parent who is putting in the effort.
Base this decision solely on what you would like- it’s your wedding and you get to choose who you invite or don’t. Personally, I think the best path would be to invite them both, but have neither involved in the wedding itself- both of them would just attend as guests.
I think that if each of them is not actively trying to cause you harm, it’s politic to invite both.
Love and friendship need to be nurtured, from both sides. There are still signs of life in your relationships, and no relationship is “normal”.
You can’t know if the new wife is sabotaging your stepdad’s ability to remain in contact, or if he is giving you and your sibs space in error.
If you do not trust someone to keep their mouths shut, set one of the bridesmaids or groomsmen to keeping that person in check.
All in all, unless there’s abuse you are leaving out, it might cost you more to cut a father out than it could be worth.
People change and your stepdad changed too. He’s not the man who raised you anymore, he is someone who doesn’t really care about you. So he doesn’t need an invite.
As for bio-father… He’s changed too but by your force. I would probably think like this: If I didn’t go after him would he be there today? But at the end of the day, he’s there and he’s trying. Do what makes you feel comfortable about him.
I think you should prioritize your comfort, OP.
If you are concerned about your stepfather saying something awful, PLEASE don’t invite him. That’s just opening the door for a lot of stress in your life. Plus, it really does sound like he has checked out.
As for your bio-dad, I think you should invite him if for no other reason but that you are used to both his absence and his presence, so it sounds like you are resigned to be ok either way. But I think, if he wants a chance to really do right by you, that you should be open with him about the situation. I hope he really does try to step up his game in the present day.