This happened literally 20 minutes ago and I am still freaking out so I need advice.
My (19F) boyfriend (19M) just got back earlier tonight from a family trip. I had seen him for a week and we had been talking about hanging out when we got back. I am dog sitting this week and am staying at the house alone so I was like oh hey come stay here the night you get back. He got really excited and of course agreed.
So fast forward to tonight, he came over and like his parents knew he was here, but they are the overbearing type who need to know every detail. They were asking when he would be home and where he was, so he lied and said he was staying the night at his friends house. (Yes this was wrong and he shouldn’t have lied, but his parents would have murdered him if they knew what he was really doing.) They are very religious and would freak out at the thought of him spending a night in a bed with just me, regardless of where it was or what was happening. So as he was responding she all of a sudden started asking all of these questions about where he was and if he was there yet. To his knowledge they don’t track him and have always been against that, but she clearly knew he wasn’t where he said he was. When he didn’t respond for like a minute, SHE TEXTED THE MOM of the 19 year old friend to see if my bf was there. Clearly he was not, so his mom knew he had lied. She then texted to say the mom said he was there and to ask where he was. I told him he needed to tell the truth at this point and not lie and I said he should call her. When she answered he told her where he was and she said to come home, the problem was he was not capable of driving home at the time and there’s no way I was going to let him. I had him call her back (she didn’t answer the first 3 calls but finally picked up) and she was of course crying about how he lied to her and then he was like mom I can’t come home and explained why and then his dad got on the phone and said to come but when he realized why he couldn’t, they came to get him. He got back home and his brother came too to get his car. They didn’t talk to me at all (mainly because I hid in the house) and he isn’t mad at me, but I still feel like I should do something or that something isn’t right.
I realize he shouldn’t have lied, but where I stand is that they were also in the wrong for being overbearing when their child is 19 and in college. We weren’t doing anything horrible like drugs or trashing the house, we were just hanging out until he was asked a lot of questions. I also know general are not the biggest fans of how they control him and I definitely believe he is enmeshed. He is never allowed to do anything without their permission and they aren’t preparing him for when we finish college (by this I mean he is totally dependent on them and they won’t teach him how to do things on his own). They also judge everything he does and they expect him to be perfect and never do anything wrong or lie to them ever. Like everything that happens with their children they blame on other people for influencing and being involved.
He has also said that they never said a word about me during the car ride back, but they will totally at least blame me a little. They are more mad he lied than anything else, but I feel like there’s not much I can do if they hate me. I don’t know how to handle the situation or what I should do or even if it is my fault. I’m scared they’re gonna say he can’t see me, but at this point they just told him they no longer trust him and that he had to earn it back.
Please help, I don’t know how to handle this.
TL;DR! My boyfriend lied to his parents about staying with me and got caught, what do I do?
10 comments
Just stay out of it. His relationship with his parents is his to manage. When he moves into his own place, you can do whatever.
This is a tough situation for you to be in because you represent independence and your BF having his own life. It’s not who you are or what you’re doing, just the role you have in your BFs life. It’s up to your BF to start becoming independent and setting boundaries with his parents. When he’s moved out and no longer depending on them, he can start saying yeah I spent the night with my GF and they can get angry all they like. Hopefully he will step up and do that and hopefully his parents will come around. But there’s nothing you can really do about it beyond basic politeness and showing them respect.
This isn’t your problem to handle. It’s not your fault that your boyfriend made a choice to break his family rules, and it’s not your place to mediate his relationship with your family.
I do think you should encourage him to think hard about starting to take some steps toward independence from his family – or to be honest with you if he doesn’t WANT that, for example if this enmeshment is his cultural background and he wants to respect it. But not right now while everyone’s mad and anxious. Let things calm down and then have that conversation.
If he lives in their house and they pay his bills then he needs to respect the house rules. Or he can gain independence by being mature enough to get a job and a place of his own and then not be under their rule, can’t have cake and eat it too.
For me personally id say it’s very irrational of his parents – as an adult he shouldn’t need to ‘earn back trust’ for a white lie that’s clearly a gesture of good faith to you.
Unfortunately it’s a battle for independence that your partner will have to fight for himself. His parents will need to accept his life choices or cut him out of their lives. Or your partner will submit.
There’s probably a chance that you could be caught in this as an ‘enemy’, but even still time can heal all wounds.
Just know when enough is enough for you, and don’t let it pull you into a bad situation. If it gets too much you’ll have to encourage your SO to stand his ground or you should walk away.
Stay out of it because if you inject yourself even a little bit, they’re going to pull you in, chew you up and spit you out. Also remember that at 19, you haven’t had a whole lot of experience finding out what’s normal and healthy in a relationship and what’s not and what you like in a partner and what you don’t. I’d cool it with guy for a while, he’s got a lot of baggage.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. He has to figure out his relationship with his parents on his own. Best you can do is support him in whatever decision he decides to make. His job as your partner is to keep you out of the crossfire here.
All the good points have been covered. I guess I’m only here to agree. Lol
He is a legal adult but he does live in their home. He is at an age he shouldn’t have to lie. He should be able to tell them where he is but he also shouldn’t have to share every detail of what he’s doing. Just enough information that they know he’s safe and if he is or isn’t coming home. That’s my opinion. I think he should have freedom at his age but also not leave them worrying about him. They are overbearing and he will have to get the courage to enforce boundaries. This could be bad going forward or he could take action and be mature and strong about standing up to them. I would never say to break it off with him unless it is a long pattern and you see he isn’t going to be willing to break away from them. 🙂
Like everyone else said, you really can’t do anything about all this. This is likely deep rooted and between him and them! Just encourage some steps toward boundaries. You guys shouldn’t have to sneak around at your age. Good luck!!
The only reason this is a big deal is because two people are making it a big deal. Let them be upset about it and hate you and all the rest, they are only exhausting themselves because guess what, their son is going to grow up whether they like it or not.
If I were you I’d ask my bf how he feels about it. I would tell him that I think his parents are being unreasonable and see what he thinks. If he agrees and says he’s just putting up with it until college is over, that’s one thing. But if he’s enmeshed like you say and is going to let this affect your relationship, I would give a second thought to him as a partner. Unfortunately if you treat someone like a child, they will often act like a child, and a child is not ready for an adult relationship with you…as you can clearly see, because his mommy and daddy had to come pick him up rather than you getting to spend the night with your man
This isn’t your problem, it’s your boyfriend’s. Don’t stress about it.
FYI, my son has mor freedom than your fella and he’s just gone 16. Those parents are ridiculous.