hello,
i have been dating this guy (24M) for 2 years and while we dated, we broke up 2 times. both times were because of me, as i was not able to balance my work, school and our relationship. as well as i started looking into our future too much. the first time i broke things off with him was August of 2021 then March of this year. during the time apart, we had both agreed that we both needed this “break” and that we would work on ourselves. he mentioned that he wouldn’t seek out to other women for anything as “he was willing to wait until i was ready”. during the time we were broken up, he kept insisting to see/talk to me even after i had told him i needed space and would reach out to him whenever i am able to try things again. so, 2 months later, we started talking again. we started slowly talking more and more in May and on June, things were going back to how it was when we were dating. however, 2 months into us talking again, he had confessed that he had been talking to multiple women and slept with one of them. he had ended most of them in the beginning of May but still kept in contact with the woman he had slept with as “friends” (until the end of May, where we had already been talking). throughout the 2 months of talking again,there were instances where i was suspicious that he was talking to other women but he always denied them, until he finally gave in so he told me. idk what to do… since we were technically not together for 2 months, maybe it isn’t cheating after all.
TL;DR: during the second time my bf and i broke up, he was talking to multiple women and slept with one of them.
6 comments
If you two weren’t together then it wasn’t cheating
You broke up with him He slept with other chicks That’s not cheating.
After you got back together and talked about being exclusive, did he sleep with no other chicks, because that is cheating. But it doesn’t sound like things happened like that.
I am sorry but when you break up with someone they can’t cheat on on you. Further if my ex gf broke up with me and I agreed to try again after a couple of months then the ex has no more priority than all the other girls I am talking to.until she does.
Let’s play the story out from his side.
Ex broke up with me because she needed to and I really didn’t have any say in it. Over the next couple months I started dating again getting myself back on my feet slept with a girl or two it was great. My ex called me and said she wanted to work things out or she was ready to have a relationship at this point I still have feelings for a couple of the girls so but I thought I’m not exclusive with anyone so why not just keep dating to see who shakes out. Now I like two or three girls and I’m trying to figure out who I want to invest more of my future into and my ex who broke up with me is saying that I cheated on her because we were broken up
Whether or not its “technically cheating”, he lied to you about not seeing other women during the break and sounds like he might still be keeping them on hold (if not more) by maintaining contact with them. This is a red flag that he is not a trustworthy person.
I would take some time to think about whether or not this relationship really meets your needs or if it is just convenient because it is familiar?
If you explicitly agreed together that you guys wouldn’t seek out other people then seeing it as classic cheating makes more sense. But the way it looks idk if I would necessarily call it cheating. Of course you are entitled to your emotions and to be upset, but I would just talk to him to see what the nature of those relationships were and if he’s ready to just be committed to you if that’s the route you guys want to take. Hope this helps in anyway
I think there are a couple things to keep in mind.
When you’re “on a break to work on yourself”, you’re broken up, and either partner is allowed to date other people.
He expressed he’d wait for you, but until you both have the “we are exclusive talk”, he’s allowed to change his mind to talk to and date other people.
From what you wrote, it seems that once you showed interest in speaking with him again that he ceased the other relationships in a romantic way.
But he was likely scared to tell you about them because they contradicted his “I will wait for you” statement. He probably wants you the most and didn’t want to ruin things with you.
He did lie about speaking to other women when confronted, likely because “yah we’re just friends that I used to date while you were gone” doesn’t sound good to the person you’re trying to date. But he certainly should have been honest and not lied. It compounded and caused more lies to be created.
And while lying is a breach of trust, I think that because you’re the one initiating breakups and breaks, it’s reasonable that he desires companionship and tries dating other people when you didn’t speak to him for about 2 months. It’s healthy for him to move on if he receives rejection. And you’ve certainly rejected him as a friend and emotionally(which is totally your right! No one is wrong in that aspect!)
I think it’s important that you take a healthy look at how you feel about him. If I really cared about someone, even if I was ultra stressed and working on myself, I wouldn’t consider taking a break with them and getting back together later. Because they will probably move on.
You likely don’t like him enough, and he clearly likes you more. Yes, he’s sorta poking you to speak with him and get back together with him, but he should probably respect himself more and realize this means you probably don’t care enough for him. Because you guys are young, this is more common because you’re inexperienced.
And if you agree with my guess, then I think you should enforce a friendship only boundary with him because he is losing emotional time that he could be spending on women that seriously want to date him.
Yes, again, he has lied and been misleading, but I think they’re pretty white lies in the context of his uncertainty in this relationship(assuming what you wrote is the extent of the lies). Feel free to express how his lies make you uncomfortable and reduce trust in him.
This is assuming a lot, but If you do break up with him, I wouldn’t necessarily lay into him about the lying. Just tell him something like “I care about you but I think this relationship is something comforting and nice to me, but it’s not fair that I keep you around only for me to change my mind and hurt you, wasting your time.”
He’s likely more in the wrong here, but I sorta believe in trying to help my former partners move forward as emotionally supported as possible. But if he did something truly wrong def make that clear!
Good luck 🙂
Breaking up and getting back together and doing it again is really toxic behavior in my mind. If my wife were to come to me and say we need a break, I’d be heading to an attorney to start divorce proceedings. If a gf wanted a break, I’d probably never talk with her again.
If you are not happy with the relationship, a break is generally not going to fix the issue. I can’t think of anything in life that would require a break other than unhappiness in the relationship. Work and school to me are really poor excuses for breaking up. Putting up boundaries for the relationship is certainly fine so you can concentrate on the relationship.
I was dating a girl and then I moved to Japan for several years. I broke up with her before going. I don’t do long-distance relationships. I knew there was a risk that she would find someone new. She found someone four months after I left. That was 30 years ago and they are still together. When I broke up with her, I told her, that while I am gone, to go ahead and date other people and not to wait for me. If we are single when I get back then I would love to continue. It was a tough decision at the time and I was a bit broken up when I found out that I was replaced. But I don’t regret any of it. I found a wonderful woman who I have been married to for almost 30 years.
Let him go. How you treated him was not reasonable. Your expectations for him were not reasonable. If you break up, you should not expect him to just wait for you. That is selfish.