Had our second child 8 days ago, worried about my wife’s postpartum. Any advice?

9 comments

1. Maybe she should consider speaking to a therapist, if that’s possible? I developed PPD after the birth of my last child, left it untreated. Honestly I didn’t even realize what was happening to me, I just felt completely and utterly hopeless, alone and empty. 2 years and 3 suicide attempts later, I finally got help. Unfortunately waiting for me almost coat me my life and my children to be without a mother and developed major depressive disorder, which I will struggle with for the rest of my life. But getting help was the best thing I could have ever done. I wish someone had seen the signs with me and got me help earlier. I hope she can find the help she needs, I really do. Cause it’s hard and it’s so so heavy. Sending love to you and your family.

2. If you can afford it, hire someone to help her during the day with the baby and/or housecleaning and cooking. Postpartum depression is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life.

3. Besides suggesting therapy, see if you can take the physical load off of her. Pick up dinner a couple times week, give her a break when you get home so she can shower or relax. If you have friends or family near by and your wife is comfortable with it see if they can come by to help with kids or house.

4. Can you get some help from one of the grandmothers? (hers preferably)

5. If you don’t have additional help, you’ll give 100% and you’ll just get by – which is ok, but jus let set expectations. If she’s with two kids while you’re at work she’ll be an in an exhausted cyclone by the time you get home.

   Practically speaking, prep meals for your older kid and your wife before you go to work. No cooking involved. If you can swing it, get a house keeper once a week. Plan Activities for your older child. Make sure there’s enough diapers bottles formula whatever and it’s organized. Try to give her 30 mins to an hour kid free time at night.

6. Prep dinner or pick some up on the way home from work. Ask her what she needs from you for herself. There’s a lot of focus on a new baby. If she needs an hour to herself, give her that. Make sure she’s eating, hydrating, sleeping, and showering. Keep an eye on her mental health. If she’s willing to accept help and you can afford it, get someone in to do housekeeping or laundry once a week. Just being supportive and helping her is already so much.

7. I didn’t even know I was experiencjng PPD until I was kind of through it. There is a thing called maternal gatekeeping- only discovered that it was a thing a couple days ago.. and my kid is 4 ! 😆
   Basically, it’s her feeling disconnected from you, so she will kind of ‘overly bond’ with her child. I think it is less common with a 2nd born, but just look into it.
   Also, can I say I am so proud of you for having the awareness that PPD is a thing.
   For months after my daughter was born, my mood swings were all over the place. While I felt like I finally had a purpose, I felt very isolated from my husband. The disconnection made my PPD so much worse. You can help clean up and wash the bottles every night, but I can tell you from my experience- I really just wanted to feel like I was absolutely adored and everything I was doing was important and meaningful. He helped some much in that stuff.. but I could do all that stuff. What I really needed was him aggressively asserting his appreciation for/ attraction / to me. Words, hugs, cuddles, intimacy.
   Also– sleep is SO IMPORTANT! I don’t know if she is more verbal or assertive now that you guys are on to two kiddos- but I never felt like I could ask him to wake up in the middle of the night. When my baby would breathe, I would wake up. And then it was hard to fall asleep. My husband didn’t (and still doesn’t) wake up or notice when my daughter wakes up… That is so isolating and lonely. We know you have to sleep because you go to work everyday, but we do a different kind of work. It is, mentally, far more taxing.
   Long story, longer— 🙃 I needed to know that everything I was doing meant something. I needed to feel close to him. But more than anything, I needed communication. And not- ‘do you need anything?’…
   I needed:
   -‘hey– what would help you most?.. taking time away from the kids to be by yourself, or me just being here playing with them while you veg. out on your phone’
   -‘go get a mani-pedi, I got this’ (my husband did this a lot and it was amazing.. the gift of not having to ..I dunno.. ask for permission? It meant a lot

   I think touch and communication were the most important things. Some women get touched out by kids– but it’s a different kind of touch from partners.

   I have to say, the fact that you are aware of this and taking steps to help her by seeking out advice… Well you are doing 99% better than most men out there. I’m proud of you, and she must be a pretty amazing woman to have met someone like you 🥰

8. Sounds like you are on the right track. Getting a routine going helped me. (I had 3 babies with in 28 months)

   If she can get both babies on a similar nap schedule, that was the sweet spot for me. I could nap, take a quick shower or make myself meals/snack, prep bottles and meals.

   My husband would also help prep quick meals and snacks, that I could grab throughout the day.

   Be sure to check in through the day of possible, remind her she’s a rockstar and that she can do this. Words of affirmation go along way.

   Congratulations!

9. It’s Awesome you’re even asking! Our baby is 7 months and my ppd is still extreme. Just keep being there and helping as much as possible. Researching stuff for her. Keep up with the house. Just ask how she is as much as possible. If she seems off, she probably is. Find a therapist now!