I have been in one relation for the past 7 years. We got married 6 months ago.
I would like to say I am a tough person to be with and generally remember the parts of anything. My partner and I always had issues, fights and arguments and compatibility issues and what not. We worked through them because we were decent folks. Moreoever, I always had the feeling that I am problematic so tried working through my issues to be the best possible person for her.
Well, I did end up feeling I gave up too much and only have bad memories from our relationship. Whereas, she is happier and remembers the good parts. She reminds me that relationship is work and needs effort. Whenever, I brought up leaving, she said that we do not have a good enough reason to leave and would convince me to stay, and I have stayed.
I want to ask: what is meant by making it work? What is this work we are talking about? What also is meant by the relationship feeling right? How has the feeling changed for you over the years? Am I being weak willed and not making it work? I feel I am staying because of this sinking feeling I have that I am not good and what we have is good enough?
3 comments
‘what is meant by making it work? What is this work we are talking about?’
I don’t know. I don’t believe any relationship is work.
‘What also is meant by the relationship feeling right?’
It is something you would not have to ask yourself when it does.
‘How has the feeling changed for you over the years? ‘
It hasn’t.
‘ Am I weak-willed and not making it work? ‘
The majority of people actually stay in relationships with family, partners and friends that do not serve them and the minority of people leave swiftly. Most people will keep going and going until they will have to admit they were reanimating a corpse for too long. It takes a stronger will to leave before the situation is tragic.
‘she said that we do not have a good enough reason to leave ‘
A good reason to leave is simply that you want to. Some relationships are seasons. It would be stupid to wear a swimsuit in winter. Sometimes staying because you have no good reason enough to leave, but you feel that the season changed… it is like wearing a swimsuit in winter snow. When you graduate school, are you insisting to come every day and still doing homework? No, you finished and you know it.
Now, look, people may disagree with me but let me tell you one thing. I have made mistakes in my life, that I have learned from but I always picked the right partner. I never had a broken heart, I never was mismatched in a serious relationship, I also lived the life I was dreaming of as a child and I lived and travelled with my best friend for longer than some people here are married. I got things right and the reason is my attitude, that I do not force things and I know what I want and I am brave enough to step away or step in when I know it’s the right thing. People will confuse you, even your partner or the family but your inner voice? It tells you what you really need to do and nobody else can tell you that because others barely know how to manage their own lives. So you listen, not to your girlfriend but to yourself and yourself is giving you thought that this relationship is not for you.
It’s not not liking them, having no good memories with them. Making things work is more like one having to do everything for a while when the other is sick or had surgery, having to make plans for spending time with your repective families, figuring out out to work it out when you don’t have the same tolerance for mess.
I do recommend conunseling if there’s no abuse. If you do counseling you will know you tried everything.
I had a therapist tell me once that until she figured out what she wanted in a relationship, every relationship she had was “work.”
After she nailed down what she truly wanted, she said it looked completely different than she expected and then she went for that. Since then, it has been like everything clicked.