Okay, so I feel like this could be a good talking point. Also feel free to comment & also tell me rather in trippin or not!
So I’m a black female (27) & my husband (31) is white. We got married not too long ago & things have been good! I love him very much & Vice versa! We have the same political views & we make it a point to support the things we believe in (LBGTQIA, BLM, Pro-Choice etc). We were having a conversation earlier & I was asking my husband “so if we had a daughter who was 17/18, would we give her a curfew?” & he replied with “absolutely”. I’m a dark-skin black woman (& I absolutely adore my skin). He went on to say “of course, I’m assuming our daughter would probably have lighter skin since she’ll be biracial, & based on what you said about society favoriting women of lighter skin, we’ll have to make sure that she protects herself & is aware of her surroundings” & maybe I’m overreacting but then I asked “what about dark skin black women?” (Because rather our daughter is light skin or not, in society she’ll be deemed as black).
He replied with “well yes, all women should protect themselves but because we know society & the black community favors & gives more attention to lighter skin black women, I want to make sure she’s protected”. Idk why but that statement bothered me because do we just leave dark skin women to figure it out for themselves? Who’s protecting them? & I also I don’t want my child to think that just because she’s light skin she has privilege or because she’s light skin, she should be protected “more”. We had a whole talk about it & I kinda got emotional. I want my kids to be the kids to think every skin tone is beautiful & not think that because they’re light skin they deserve more protection. Does that make sense? & I feel like if we had a daughter & my husband said that, he might unintentionally plant a seed in her mind that somehow because she has lighter skin she deserves more protection & that she should be protected more.
Should I just let this go? I’m not upset just kinda puzzled by the statement.
6 comments
here’s the thing — you won’t know if your kids will have light or dark skin…genes are weird that way. I have 2 mixed kids (Asian/white) — my son looks nothing like me and more white; my daughter looks nothing like my husband and looks pure Asian; as in people assume her dad is her step dad lol.
I don’t even know why skin colour was even a factor when discussing curfew/safety — the rule should be for all teens male and female because they’re young and require a curfew (if this is your rule). If you use skin colour/race/ethnicity as a reason to do or not do something, you’re planting things in their head and making it something that they always have to be aware of. Skin colour shouldn’t be a factor when discussing rules nor should it be a factor in anything they decide to do.
I can understand why these comments from him bothered you. It’s almost like he’s making a value statement about your daughter based on her hypothetical light skin, like she’s going to be worth more with lighter skin so your level of protection needs to go up. Whereas all children regardless of skin tone can be harassed, kidnapped, assaulted, etc. and need protection. My guess is that this was just not thought through or communicated well on his part. Perhaps you can bring it up again when you’ve had time to think about it or even write it out. It’s something a white person wouldn’t be able to truly understand (I’m white, married to a brown person from a culture that values fair skin) and therefore he should probably not even speak on it except to acknowledge what you say on the subject.
This shouldn’t have had anything to do with race. I’m puzzled, too.
To me, a 17/18 year old is a 17/18 year old with typical immature (but improving) decision-making skills.
What more are you looking for? He apologized. You believe it was sincere. Don’t minimize his awareness of the reality. (I never knew this was an issue within the black community.) I find it hard to imagine that a guy with that level of awareness would be haphazard in raising his children no matter what color. He’s on his game. Maybe you should be thankful for that.
I’m wondering if there is more to this. Could it be you are worried about what level of racism your children will experience from ALL sides? That you can handle what you and your husband get thrown at you, but how will you protect you babies?
What more are you looking for? He apologized. You believe it was sincere. Don’t minimize his awareness of the reality. (I never knew this was an issue within the black community.) I find it hard to imagine that a guy with that level of awareness would be haphazard in raising his children no matter what color. He’s on his game. Maybe you should be thankful for that.
I’m wondering if there is more to this. Could it be you are worried about what level of racism your children will experience from ALL sides? That you can handle what you and your husband get thrown at you, but how will you protect you babies?
Your husband has good intentions it seems. Likely just Mis spoke.
We are interracial couple. I’m the white guy in the relationship. I could definitely see me saying something stupid even know we both believe the same things… I think you know he is good at heart.
We are working through this at the moment with 6 year olds. Our kids are a nice tan with more my hair type. We recently told them they were black. They were like Naa I’m white, mom is black, and really though she brown, not black. I think they questioned our vision. Like do you know what bLack looks like?? Lol We just explained to them that they are black as well as white because they come from both of us. We don’t tell them the bad or good, just that they are. We will see how it goes.
We also have a 3rd super white looking child. My wife walks into the doctors offer and they are like “are you the guardian for this visit”… yes bitch I’m his mother! He is gonna have to carry a photo around with him to convince people he is black.
We buy our children black and white dolls, we know black and white people, we hang with black and white family, I think our approach is exposure to make sure their own views of everyone are equal, then they can learn about any negative shit as it comes up.