Is it a major red flag if a person (particularly this woman I had a crush on for so many years) suddenly wants to come back and settle with you?

42 comments

  1. I mean. It’s up to you. I dont like that in people.

    But truthfully and I’ll be blunt, if she sleeps with you what is the problem?

  2. Surely depends on why she didn’t want you then and why she wants you now.

    People change. Both you and she will have. Could just be a better match now or she could just be settling because her other options didn’t work out.

    There’s far too many variables and nowhere near enough information in your post for strangers to have any input in this situation.

  4. I agree with the title. I’ll be blunt about why.
    For me it’s about priorities, if I make it a priority to respond spend time and address you , but the same energy isn’t reciprocated it’s a waste.
    Can also be monkey branching. When all the other options shut them down now they are going back to someone who was already giving them attention and validation till potentially “something better comes along.”

    I’ve had this happen to me a couple of times , I fell for it twice but won’t happen again. If I wasn’t the first choice I won’t be option 2 ,3 or anything else.

  5. I just started seeing a guy I was with 15 years ago. We liked each other but we had issues, and were both 17yo idiots. I left him after 3 months.

    We matured and worked on our bs. We had other serious relationships and grew up. We are taking things slow, seeing where it can lead. Who knows ?

    Just go with your gut. Do you feel she’s with you only to not be alone? Do you feel like a placeholder? Can you believe she genuinely want to explore a relationship with you? Does she want to settle and push things super fast?

    Listen to yourself. If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. Take your time. The biggest red flag imo would be she’s pushing things to go super fast, or loves bomb you. Or she wants to forget some other asshole and make herself believe it could work with you. This is manipulative.

    But if she’s open to try, let time do it’s magic. Who knows where it can lead ?

  6. Yes. She should’ve realized you were the right one for her in the beginning. Don’t give her a chance.

  7. I used to see the way people treated and spoke to me when I was broke and ugly (the glow up is real); I wouldn’t give them a second chance. “People change”- I’m going to disagree and say a majority do not change.

  8. It depends on what’s changed. If, say, you lost a lot of weight or you grew up mentally or your bad acne cleared up, I think it’s fair to give her a chance. Or say you went from being a bum to having a career, that’s also fair. Which leads me to when you should NOT give her a chance. If you’ve become any measure of “wealthy”. That’s just Gold Digger behavior. Or if she’s only ever dated openly abusive men and is finally tired of it. Or in any scenario where her Plan A fell through and you’re her “safe option”.

    PS, I’m aware that this is heavily one-sided from a man’s perspective. As a straight man, I have no advice on this matter specifically for women because I don’t date men. Sorry.

  9. I’ll probably get downvoted for this but if you’re in a better position now, I don’t know why it’s so terrible that she’s seen your hard work to improve yourself and finds that attractive. I hate the “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” thought process for both genders. You can care about someone, even love them, and feel like their current life is unstable or incompatible. And then if they change that thing, that changes your feelings about security or a future with them. Idk, I think that’s normal and human nature.

  10. I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag because it depends on context but it does have that “what if” feel to it and you’re always going to be thinking about it.

    I’ve always been a firm believer in the whole no second chances. I mean of course there may be situations like if you were a lazy person or jobless and not having any appeal, but I guess that it isn’t always the case when this situation is brought up.

    Bottom line is that you need to value yourself more. Do you want to be someone’s backup option? Do you want to live thinking someone wants you only because you got something going on in your life now? She might not be that kind of person who would be there to support you if you were to be in a situation where she didn’t initially want you.

    People change but you need to keep moving forward with your life and not look back at what you could have had. Chalk it down to their loss.

  11. I disagree… Its more complicated.

    Can it sometimes be a red flag? Yes, absolutely.

    Is it always 100% a red flag? No.

    I once dated a guy for a few months, I had been friends with him for a year or so in high school. I always thought he was so attractive and he had a great personality too. After dating for a while I realized I didn’t feel that spark of chemistry for him anymore and I had alot of doubt about the relationship (thought maybe we were just better off as friends) so I broke up with him. The break up went totally okay. We remained friends. Approx 6 months later, I re-thought about the whole ordeal (this was my FIRST and ONLY relationship, to be clear, so makes sense I would make mistakes) and I regretted breaking up with him. Part of me felt like I jumped the gun and my self-destructive and overly anxious nature made me break up with him… I didn’t feel ready at the time we were dating and was anxious about dating in general, so my nerves got the better of me… I messaged him (as I often do) and admitted I would like to go out with him again (romantically). He was sooooo sweet about it. He said he ABSOLUTELY would have loved to go out with me again… But he was already taken.

    I told him I was sooooo happy for him (and genuinely that news made me really happy, because I loved him and wanted him to be happy), and we have remained great friends and never dated again. He’s genuinely an awesome guy! He also thinks the world of me too, and it has never been awkward since…

    Had things have been different, timing wise, and he had been single, I have no doubt we would have dated for a long time and been quite happy together. Alas, that is how life goes sometimes, its all about timing, and it just didn’t work out for us. Nothing toxic, or wrong about that, just how it goes sometimes. 🙂

  12. Yeah this happened to my friend. His first intimate partner came back to him after years now suddenly wanting to be together. Got pregnant “by accident” and miscarried. My friend said they weren’t ready for a kid the whole time. Then after the miscarriage, says they’re trying for a baby cause she’s thinks they’re ready. She gets pregnant again, they get married, she cheats on him with multiple guys while pregnant. Manipulated him to give up his house, which she trashed and had ten or so people living there doing crack and fucking the place up. Manipulated him to get her their only car, which she ran into the ground. Manipulated him to pay her moving fees and to this day still manipulates him to take their kid more than he’s supposed to. Like they’re supposed to have the kid two weeks out of the month but she gets the kid late, drops him off early, and has excuses for why she can’t watch the kid or pay for a baby sitter every holiday.

  13. Depends on what changed. Say if it was a job offer and you went from 50k a year to 150k. Damn right it would be a major red flag.

    If it’s like someone you knew 10 years ago, separated in life, then looped back in. That a different circumstance entirely

  15. Agreed, she had her chance. Also yes I know people change but it’s whatever you wanna do. I wouldn’t want to be settled on either.

  16. Its happened to me twice and the reasons was because I became more attractive and stable while they were stuck in an unhappy relationship with kids and couldn’t find another guy. They really thought I was more than willing to be with them and save them from their situation but I changed and did not want that at all. I think it’s an insult more than anything.

  17. Like someone else said, it depends on why she didn’t date you to begin with. If she was already in a relationship with someone back then, that would be a good reason.

    Or, she might of not found you attractive back then. But now that you have a nice car, etc..

    I would consider dating her first before “settling down” with her.

  18. I wouldn’t if you’re dating for long term. If it’s just fun and casual, I don’t see the harm.

    You feel off about it because you’re probably right. At the very best she thought you weren’t good enough for her before, but wants something from you now. There’s so many other possibilities though.

    She possibly wanted the tingles. She possibly thought you’d be good husband material but not good fuck material. She possibly wanted to fuck a lot of other dudes to “find herself” before she settled down. She possibly thought she could do better and was rejected. She possibly wanted to not date at all and focus on her career/school/whatever.

    Personally, there’s too many posibilities that would make me uncomfortable. Trust your gut. You wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t bother you. So how much can you live with? What makes her worthy of you now.

  19. Nope. Some of the advice I ever received:

    Never let someone tell you they don’t want you twice.

    If they changed their mind about you once, they will do it again.

  20. I personally don’t want them back because I stopped having feelings for them and moved on but still having feelings is harder to maybe say no.

  23. Depends on why. I’ve definitely had periods in my past when I was not attractive. If someone wasn’t interested then, but is interested in me now, I wouldn’t be shocked.

  24. Exactly what it is! She has had her fun chasing bad boys and knows that you are a safe bet. She really doesn’t want YOU per se, she just doesn’t want those “TYPE” of guys right now. She is probably close to 30yrs of age and that “WALL” is upon her and she doesn’t want to buy a dog and die alone.

  25. Definitely depends on the circumstances. I’m separated and the divorce is on the table completely because I admit I was extremely toxic when things got too tough. The biggest fault line I created there was I never looked at us as a team so I kept all actions and improvements separate from her so I was keeping us going in my own mind completely autonomous but that’s not a partnership. So when we broke off to figure things out I got myself in therapy, started self help classes, focused on skills and talents that benefit a marriage over my own needs. She’s not letting me see much of her progress but I’ve made it crystal clear that I’m doing this regardless of the outcome so it doesn’t look like my motives are misguided. Which is true but if someone is coming back around purely because they don’t:

    – want to be alone

    – have financial stability

    – purely to fix a hole in their life

    It’s worth listening to whatever alarm is going off. And the only reason I over explained here is to kind of look at a perspective of toxic traits to look for in whomever is trying to gain re-entry into your life.

  26. yes, when somebody does that is just because they are desperate and consider you something easy to get

  28. If I were in the situation, I would refuse after I’ve glowed up(leveled up) to better things depends on what occupation that has gotten you paid and kept you busy along with your life

  29. Thats a stupid saying. People change and grow and learn. If she wants to get married like IMMEDIATELY run away, and be cautious of any pregnancy in the next several months. Beyond that or abuse see what happens. Worst case scenario it doesnt work out and you KNOW now and can move on.

  30. Gotcha, personally I’d look at it as a red flag. But if she’s a sweet girl I’d say proceed with caution. Sometimes if they go through a few “toxic” relationships and then goes for the guy in the background it’d normally be because you would be viewed as “safe”. As long as she shows genuine interest, she reciprocates what you are putting out, and you she doesn’t treat you as a backup option go for it.

    But personally regarding the settling for you thing, do you want to be with someone who is settling for you? While they are in the back of their minds thinking “I can do better” or do you want to be with someone that has the attitude of “I gotta figure out how to keep this guy around”? Personally I’d hate the idea of being looked as the consolation prize. But if you are going into it eyes wide open then it’s up to you and what you want/can live with.

  31. OP, please don’t do this to yourself. You were always the reserve option.

  33. Reg flag. The same guys who called me fat are in my dms and there’s absolutely no way I’d get with them now

  34. Well maybe she saw you grow into the man you are today ….bro like i always say it’s your choice at the end of the day

  35. It all depends on what you end up giving her. And what she gives you in return. If you’re wary then look at it like a transaction and give what you feel is worth it, and don’t over invest. A dinner or two might be worth the experience of doing your old crush. Yeah she might be in it for a dinner but what’s wrong with that?

    But settle? Lol now come on. Just date casually and don’t agree to be exclusive. You’ll find someone organically probably.

  37. Big red flag, it means whoever she picked over you in the past didn’t work out for her for whatever reason. You don’t deserve to anyones second option so I would tell her you’re uninterested and she can go back to the people she picked over you. SMH. the grass always looks greener till you’re standing in the yard and its not.

  38. Honestly (and this could be cynical on my part).. don’t give this chick a chance. If she wasn’t into you then, chances are she’s not truly into you now. I went through something like that where she claimed to like me back then (high school) and when we dated after I got my bachelors degree (10-15 years after high school) but it was all a lie.

  39. I would t necessarily call it a red flag off the bat, but i WOULD wonder *why*

  40. Don’t do it dude. I was a dumbass and took a girl back and she ended up cheating on me.

    They’re an ex for a reason.

  42. My ex girlfriend of 5 years had ended our relationship last year and I have no intention of going back to her. Every month or so she would call or message me asking if she wanted to be friends but I keep telling her no.

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