I’ve (30F) been seeing someone (30M) for a month. I didn’t really plan on dating, but I’m tired of being in casual relationships that I never wanted to be casual and getting let down,..which makes the collective trauma in my brain worse.
We’ve had over 5 dates and it will be a month on Wednesday. I’m afraid to sleep with him bc I’m afraid he’ll leave me and I’ll be alone all over again. I told him that after my camping trip (which is this weekend), we’ll probably get physical. But even then, I’m terrified. However:
1. He has said many times that he is okay with waiting
2. We do other types of intimacy and he never pressures me to do anything. I initiate most things.
3. He genuinely likes me and has told me many times.
4. He seems to be more secure attachment, which is what I need
5. The only time we’ve had conflict is when he called me out for apologizing for things that don’t need apologies and said that it made him uncomfortable.
6. We actually have dates and I’m afraid of them going away if we have sex.
7. Incredibly good listener and remembers my stories
I have never been in a long term relationship and I’m not going to lie, I’m embarrassed about it. I’m not saying that this will be, but this is one of the first times I’ve actually felt respected and valued by a potential partner. I’ve never waited this long to sleep with anyone, ever. I don’t know how to have the conversation of “hi, I have a lot of trauma because people like to fuck me and then dump me bc they found someone else, are you fine with me being needy?” I don’t know. I don’t know how to not project the major insecurity of being rejected.
I also did some FB stalking and it looks like he had a breakup maybe around March/April, which makes me nervous. His profile on Bumble says, “don’t know yet.” While mine says I want a relationship, I also am aware that he pays better attention to detail than I do. I’m worried that he isn’t ready for another relationship.
I have borderline personality disorder and it’s mostly relationship related. I beat myself up a lot. I also have had multiple sexual partners at the same time within the past few months (I will get tested, and they were all exes of some sort). But I finally have a chance to have a real relationship and I’m terrified of screwing things up and being totally alone, again.
I don’t know what to do.
Edit: You can go into remission for BPD. I am in therapy and a big goal is to develop healthy relationship habits and to not react so quickly to things. He is aware that I’m in therapy, but hasn’t asked what for. I only said it once in passing and he didn’t pry. He also doesn’t really know how terrified I am, been trying to figure out how to address my insecurity about sleeping together without projecting.
5 comments
If he leaves you it won’t be because you slept with him.
He if leaves, he leaves. Regardless of sex happening. All you can do is put trust in the process and if that fails, you at least acted with your best intentions.
In other words, 5 dates is NOTHING. Assume no real chance of a real relationship until that relationship actually happens. Don’t expect things, don’t place milestones or deadlines. Let the friendship flow and flourish.
I will speculate and say that if he leaves, it will be due him not knowing to or wanting to deal with your BPD.
Have we matched before ? 😂😂😂
It’s always funny that women hold out for someone interested and openly admit an orgy in the time frame of meeting noted someone.
Bpd also pushes into manifesting into whatever you perceive a person wants… guys notice this and it can discredit the ailment to them due to it being an active chosen thought process.
you even hinted at the projection like you are leaving out details about what you may have done after sex with others who “left you”.
You don’t have to sleep with him. Wait until you feel secure in the relationship to do so. No point making yourself anxious when you don’t have to. If he leaves before you get to that point, then he would have left either way.
It’s okay for you to ask for what you need. You might want to spend some time thinking about what you’d need from him for the idea of having sex not to make you terrified. For some people that is exclusivity and/or a meaningful emotional connection but it can be anything you need. Ask yourself what you need and then ask him if that’s something he’s on board with.
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> I don’t know how to have the conversation of “hi, I have a lot of trauma because people like to fuck me and then dump me bc they found someone else, are you fine with me being needy?” I don’t know. I don’t know how to not project the major insecurity of being rejected.
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I think you’re being too hard on yourself. It’s okay for you to have trauma and it’s okay for you to need things in relation to that. It’s valid for you to need a safe supportive place to heal from those wounds. Traumatized humans require more love, forgiveness, and patience. You deserve someone who can give you that space to heal. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking that your needs are wrong or invalid or too much. Whether this guy has the capacity to give that to you or not, you are worth that.