Here we go ….
Hi,
I’ve never had anything to do with infidelity in my life so I’m unsure of what to expect next and what I should be doing.
My wife and I met 8 years ago through work. I left that job when we got engaged to move onto better things. I took on her 2 year old daughters (twins) as my own and we have since added one more (2 years old next week).
I have not been an attentive husband. I haven’t understood my wife’s love language well enough and was quite absent for the last 6 months. My wife started spending more time on her phone and playing Xbox with her work colleagues. One work colleague came over at 1am one morning after a fight with his long term GF. We all sat up talking about it till sunset. I told my wife I didn’t trust him and had something in my stomach. She told me he was a nice guy and her friend so I trusted her judgement.
Fast forward a few months and my wife tells me she doesn’t know what she wants anymore. The next day I tell her I will do anything and I will do anything needed from her as long as she hasn’t said or done anything inappropriate. She tells me she kissed him (that coworker). Then that night it changed to she slept with him. Then finally she tells me it’s been a pretty full blown affair and they had sex in the car, our bed and have done more over the last few months, that she has feelings for this guy. She doesn’t want to date him she says but also doesn’t want to hurt him.
This was a week ago. I am shattered. I have contacted an individual councillor and begin today. I haven’t eaten in a week now (maybe 2 small meals). I have a doctors appointment today to sort that too. My wife doesn’t want to even try Marriage Counselling for our kids. She says the switch for being in love with my is off and won’t be able to come back on.
I know my shortfalls as a husband pushed her away, I will need to accept that. I will need to work on being the best ‘me’ for my kids. I have begged my wife to stay and work on our marriage but she thinks the love is gone.
I have spent last night trying to come to terms with the fact that we will 99% be moving towards a trial separation, 1 week in the house 1 week out.
I guess I just want to know if trial separations ever end in reconciliation? Has it ever happened for anyone? I hold out hope that my marriage will continue, even if not right now.
Thanks
13 comments
the only part that is your fault is you failed to stand up to yourself. the only ” you will do anything for her” comes off as weak, as if you will accept any bad behavior on her part. also here is another secret opposite sex friends are rarely ever just friends. especially that person they always say to never worry about. if they tell you never to worry about them, you should worry. their are 100 of reddit stories about your similar situation. solution is to find a new wife, grow a backbone and confidence and move on. set boundaries in your relationships as well
I feel for you but first, don’t blame yourself for HER ACTIONS. SHE IS 100% responsible for her actions, not you. Being inattentive is no excuse for what has happened, PERIOD. It doesn’t sound as if a trial anything will change her mind. Contact a lawyer and work on protecting yourself and your children. She has zero respect for you considering she slept with him in your bed. That’s just cruel and totally inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful. I would not think anything is salvageable based on that and I am a man who forgave infidelity and has been married 12 years post infidelity. However your wife’s behavior is not something I could forgive and move past. She doesn’t have any remorse nor seems to care to reconcile, so move on. It’s going to be a long road to adjust but you will heal. Talk to a lawyer that is good for advocating for men, most aren’t and the Family Court is NOT your friend and is terribly biased against men, even in these situations since most states are no-fault divorce states, meaning it doesn’t matter who did what. See.if she is amicable to use a mediated divorce vs using individual lawyers, because the only one that benefits are both lawyers and you are left broke both emotionally and financially. Take care of yourself first then your children. You aren’t able to take care of them if you are a wreck emotionally and financially.
This is not your fault bro and the blame is not on YOU. Honestly, do you really want to reconcile with a woman like that? I get it that you have feelings for her… but damn it man, she’s been lying to your face for quite a while and she did the #1 thing that you NEVER do to the person you love – she cheated. She didn’t come talk to you first and try to fix things or even give you an ultimatum, she just replaced you behind your back. I would say to take this time to start working on yourself and moving on from that marriage so that you can be the man you need to be for your next partner. good luck bro and seriously don’t blame yourself for her actions. She had options and made her own choice.
Idk why you’d want to stay with a spouse who cheated, lied and isn’t at least remorseful. I think she did you a favor and this needs to be a divorce. Find a better chick.
This is 100% on her. Without her willingness to accept responsibility and take measures for reconciliation (IC, MC, etc.), then divorce is a probable result. A trial separation should be to work toward reconciliation and either reconcile or acknowledge that it will not work and make the separation permanent. Is she going NC with the AP?
Sorry you are going through this. Best of luck.
I was not married but me and my current wife separated for 6 months and during that time we did not speak at all and now been married 27 years, we separated because I was an alcoholic and terrible fiancee so she had enough and split as I said we did not talk for 6 months. I went out with a friend on a Saturday night and came home plastered I swore to God if he would just bring her back into my life I would never touch another drop 3 days later she was knocking on my door early morning and we have now been married 27 years, reconciliation can always happen but do not think it should in this case cheating 1 time is forgivable people make mistakes but this went on for months which to me is unforgivable
The best gift you can give yourself is dignity and self-respect.
Your wife’s behavior was all-around vile.
It is absolutely possible to have an honest, healthy, and positive relationship with your children – without having to spend another moment in the atmosphere of your soon-to-be-ex-wife.
There will be plenty of time over the years to feel sadness, regret, pain, loss. But now is not that time. Now is the time to assertively, responsibly prepare for the next chapter in your life.
Absolutely speak to a lawyer immediately. Absolutely take any and all steps now to protect your finances and your personal/digital privacy.
None of this needs to be done with malice or anger. But it absolutely needs to be done.
I absolutely loathe people like her. Marriage is work. Quitters are loosers. She didn’t even attempt to TRY, she just wants the easy way out. I sincerely hope she finds out thr grass isn’t always greener and lives a sad lonely life.
I’m sorry I can’t offer advice on a separation trial, however, you deserve better.
Just so you know begging your wife to stay makes you appear very unattractive and weak to her , when she is in her current state of mind.
Get into IC stop blaming yourself, you are doing that because you feel than you can control the outcome.
The cheating was TOTALLY on her. These things happen in other marriages and there is NO cheating.
Get into IC to work on your self love and respect.
Your desperation is the opposite of what you need to do to at least get her to reconsider her current path .
Unfortunately your wife doesn’t know what she has, until she loose it. She’s in the affair fog! Reconciliation is not possible. She is still seeing her affair partner, she is choosing him, over her marriage to you.
You should talk to a lawyer, see how a divorce is going to affect you, then start divorce proceedings.
Start separating your finances, start separating yourself emotionally from her, start going no contact with her, unless it in regard to your son.
Do not assist her with anything, she needs to learn, how life without you, is going to be, this will help her wakeup, from the affair fog, then she might start reaching out to you, and if you are willing, to give her a second chance, reconciliation might be possible.
She needs to show you, that she can be a safe partner, get her to read, How To Help Your Spouse Heal For Your Affair, by Linda J MacDonald. She needs to follow all these steps. If she is not willing to do this, you are better off divorce her. Good luck.
Divorce her!
Your wife has a boyfriend. Divorce her
Your wife is just a common garden variety cheater. As far as your shortcomings, did she ever put any effort at all in fixing what she perceived as problems in your marriage? Or was she more concerned with the guy with marital problems (probably due to his relationship with your wife) than with you? She doesn’t want to hurt him but has no problem hurting you?