I’ve know my best friend for 8 years, and throughout that time, we’ve been through thick and thin, helped each other out where it mattered, and gone through COVID together.
Recent reflections made me realize that my friendship with her had been holding me back from dating. She had been unintentionally sabotaging my relationships by bringing up things she found wrong in each person and in me, which I now feel placed some deep insecurities in me.
So I decided to stop talking to her a few months ago, and honestly, I haven’t been happier. I am confident in myself, and don’t feel the things she said holding me back anymore. For the first 2 months, I came up with excuses on why I wasn’t able to make time for her, but now she has been persistent in wanting to talk to me. I am knowingly ghosting her because every time we talk, she always finds a way to tell me why I am wrong, or come out “winning” in the situation. I am tired of that dynamic, and I want to continue feeling that I am right, because my improvements in mental health since I left her have shown me so.
I hate ghosting someone, especially a best friend I’ve known for so long, but I feel that it’s the best thing to do here. I haven’t even told her what she did wrong, and for that I feel guilty. But I also don’t want to have a conversation with her that could unravel the things I’ve improved in her absence this year. The way I see it – she’s an adult and she should have seen that the comments she was making were hurtful, especially after I told her many times she should stop saying things that hurt my self-esteem. After a while, it was too much for me. Am I justified in moving on from this companionship?
TL;DR: I realized my ex- best-friend was having a toxic effect on my life so I cut her off without telling her why. I feel guilty for not giving her a reason because she hasn’t had the best history of taking feedback.
11 comments
Sounds like your intuition is probably trying to tell you something. Toxic/personality disordered/high conflict people are resistant to criticism or feedback and *hate* being told that their insecurities, desire to control or general shittiness won’t be tolerated. If you’ve tried to communicate with her before and it went poorly and she’s flagrantly doing things that violate your boundaries and hurt you, then the best thing to do is indeed what you’re doing. It’s actually the recommended thing to do by most experts and professionals. Sucks but this is how things go sometimes.
Unless she was an absolute piece of work, and your post contains…mixed info on this, this was a very disrespectful way to end a friendship with someone who was your best friend for almost a decade. Unnecessarily hurtful and possibly traumatic for her.
Of course you are justified to move on from this friendship. Ideally I would avoid telling someone flat out that you don’t want to be their friend anymore, but if she won’t take the hint and keeps contacting you despite you pulling away then I’d say something along the lines of the below:
‘Hi X, I’m sorry that I haven’t been keeping up with you lately. This is hard to say, but to be completely honest with you, I don’t think we are compatible as friends anymore. As much as I appreciate the times we’ve had in the past, I’ve grown to realise the dynamic of our friendship isn’t something I’m able to maintain anymore. I’m sorry if this comes as a disappointment to you, please know this is a personal decision made for my own mental health, I have no hard feelings towards you and I wish you well.’
The key thing is to leave this as the last message you send. If what you’ve said about her personality is true then she will probably try and get you debate exactly why you aren’t compatible anymore and and then argue it with you. This is exactly what you want to avoid. If you’re going to send this message make sure you stick to your guns and don’t get lured into a conversation where you end up feeling guilted by it. If she tries to argue with you then you should be prepared to block her.
Realistically however, most people will want to defend themselves when told something like this. Personally I would only say something if it really can’t be avoided, quietly and organically phasing someone out of your life is preferable to a cut and dry message like this which will definitely incite feelings of hurt and rejection in the other person. Ultimately you just have to do what is best for you, and remember that you are not obligated to maintain relationships that are toxic to you just because of a shared history.
Have you tried talking to her about her behavior?
Send her a comment thanking her for all the good memories in the past but saying you’re taking your life in a different direction now. Wish her well.
Do not send anything else.
Wtf is wrong with everyone here- this person was toxic. Op didn’t handle it in the best way but from what I can tell, the most common way. If they contact this person again it’ll turn into a huge thing, probably end up on social media etc. OP- your life is your own and you deserve to seek out happiness and mental health.
Keeping distance for some time might get her thinking about it and make the conversation easier down the road. Maybe instead of making up excuses, try to insert some of what you’d like to tell her. Like instead of a straight up made up excuse, sprinkle in some things like “I’m focusing on some self improvement and need space to do that”. That way you can foreshadow things and if she’s not incredibly dense, she’ll start to get the idea. I’m working on a similar thing with a friend I’ve known for over 15 years.
Well I am not the best in these occasions and ghosting slowly and/or meeting rarely and for short periods, like 15 min max, might not be such a bad idea.
Ghosting is for cowards and is very hurtful. She has been your best friend for 8 years and like you say, you have gone through thick and thin together. The least you owe her is an explanation.
Whatever you need to say to her or do, it’ll always be difficult. But, ghosting is not an option because of the kind of relationship you have had with her.
Be honest with her because she does deserve it & you deserve to be in a happier situation.
I used to hate the idea of ghosting but I’ve been in enough toxic situations of my own that I understand it now. I’m still not a fan of that approach but if you think that is what is best for you then do that.
If it were me in the situation, I would probably have just shot her a text about how I felt about the friendship and just blocked her number after that. But it’s not necessary and I’m glad you realized how much this person was affecting your mental health and took yourself out of the situation.
I think you are fine, when I was in my early 20s I use to hang out with a few girls as friends and every time I had a chance to go out with someone they would do the same thing. So I finally just stopped talking to them since I told them multiple times to stop and they didn’t listen. I learned one thing, those who say they are your friends can actually do more damage if you allow them to stay in your life. I’d say maybe give her a small explanation but tbh you don’t owe her one since you told her already. Be confident in yourself! It goes a long way lol. Hey good luck and deep down I know she knows.