I find it awkward approaching this topic, because my feelings are in conflict with my morals regarding the issue. So, I guess I need to share this with people, but I’m uncomfortable doing so with anyone I know.
For a little bit of background, me and my GF have been together for 5 years. While long-distance, I can say we are genuinely happy. We have a lot of common interests, have silly fun together, barely ever fight (and it’s usually a dumb 5-minute thing followed by hugs and kisses) and I couldn’t ask for anything else. We make sure to keep in touch as much as possible, and call each other daily — we’re not super-long distance, and we actually see each other often, we just don’t live in the same city. The issue I’m about to share is actually the first time I’ve felt even the tiniest bit of insecurity in the relationship.
About a year ago, my girlfriend made a few friends in the small town she’s working at. I met the guys on my first visit, and, since this is relevant info, I’ve found them to be pretty cool. My girlfriend has other friends as well, but these dudes are more lax and generally fun to be around. They often went on small daily trips on the beach on weekends, and I joined them whenever I visited. Honestly, I’ve never felt anything negative about the situation up to a certain point.
So one day, my GF texts me and tells me they’re going to a nudist beach. She asks me if I’m fine with her sunbathing without her top. Now, for some context: I’m very pro-‘free the nipple’, and I think we should relax our stance regarding female breasts as a society. I’m certainly not the dude to make a scene because my GF wore something sexy or showed a bit of cleavage on a night out. We’re monogamous, but as long as no one’s touching, I’m fine with it. Other than that, at the moment of receiving the message, I was neck-deep in some pretty grim paperwork, and fresh out of a 14-hour workday, while also having to study for my finals. Not exactly in a frame of mind to really think about it, so I said ‘OK’ and that’s that.
Thing is, I thought about it in a clear state of mind, and I’m not sure I was *actually* fine. I mean, I would be fine if it was in front of just strangers, or next to me, but it was in front of an all-male group of friends that she had only recently made. Yes, I know men and women can be friends, but I also know that this doesn’t immediately erase *all* traces of sexual attraction; you sometimes just consciously push it back. Other than that, it would’ve made it so much easier to digest if she had expressed such a wish in the past, but she hadn’t. I’ve seen her *panic* to wear a bra when ordering takeout and I couldn’t get the door.
For some unfiltered honesty, I can’t fathom that even the most tactful dude in the group wouldn’t just sneak a peek at a pair of double Ds a couple of feet away. Not even on purpose. But it’s not even the fact that she was visibly naked that really gets me. You see, they were at the beach, and they definitely went in for a dive. My girlfriend is physically comfortable with the guys, so it makes me really, really uncomfortable thinking that they might have been playing around while she was nude.
To stop boring you with the details, and just so I’m clear, I haven’t made an issue out of it. First of all, as I said, I feel like a hypocrite for suddenly being against nudity, but it’s just what I feel. And secondly, I think it’s unfair to make a scene about something I gave my consent on, even if it was under duress; it wasn’t her fault that it happened during a highly stressful time. It’s not even an issue with trust: she’s never given me any reason to doubt her being faithful. It just makes me feel really weird, and I have to ‘suffer’ in silence.
The reason I’m sharing this now is that this thing might come up again shortly, as they’ll go on a trip together in one of these places after a long time. I don’t want to go through this again, and while I’m sure she would respect my lack of consent if I were to take it back, it sounds kinda petty and I’ll be practically forbidding her from doing something. I just feel like it’s going to be a lot harder to push down this time.
What do you suggest I do?
7 comments
Deal with your jealousy and insecurity. Then go to a nude beach together.
You need to communicate it with her, it won’t go away or get better. You need to be able to trust her. And part of trust is boundaries. Maybe she didn’t cross a line, but maybe you need to make some boundaries together that help you with your relationship.
Stop overthinking it. Listen guts are going to hit and flirt with girls. Even girls that are friends.
You can’t control their behavior. That being said, your gf however can set clear boundaries with them. As long as she holds them to those boundaries, you have no issue.
So the question is, do you actually trust your gf?
In this case, you need to have an honest conversation with her and let her know it made you uncomfortable.
I agree with you. You can trust your GF, but not trust the situation. Even great guys may not show their best behavior or respect boundaries when when in an opportunistic situation. While applauding the enlightened thinking from both of you, it’s clear that the situation has crossed boundaries you didn’t know you had. You’re feeling protective and possessive which is natural in a deeply committed relationship like you have. Talk it out and establish boundaries that work for both of you.
You found kind, reasonable, and open-minded. You have good questions. I think you are well within respectful rights to ask her about that trip, and share your feelings.
Why a nude beach? Why is she suddenly okay with her boobs out, as you say? What happened during the trip? Ask whatever you want.
You aren’t restricting her. You’re coming at it with curiosity, and a wish to share your feelings.
And honestly, I’d feel the same way as you.
In the 2022 horror movie “X”, there’s a hilarious storyline with this exact dilemma.
Show her this comment or tell her exactly that. Communication is the key.