7 years ago, I (30F) met my friend Katie (30F) when I moved to a new city and started a new job. We grew closer over time, and today I would consider her one of my best friends. She is a hard-working, hilarious, clever, creative, beautiful person deserving of love. We vacation together, talk and hang out almost daily. Our kids are close in age.
The first time I ever spoke to Katie in 2015, she told me she was getting a divorce. She had just found out that her husband (HH) was having an affair, and had another child very close in age to their second. I wish she had done that.
Instead Katie and HH are still married today. HH has had his *second child* with the other woman, because *they* are still together today. HH has also been out of the country for months at a time recently, and Katie suspects there is a third woman in the picture.
HH manipulates Katie by putting himself down so she’ll comfort him. He gaslights Katie about his affair, saying and he and Katie are separated and she needs to accept that. Then asks her to pick him up from the airport, send him a phone when he loses his out of the country, babysit his other kids, propositions her for sex. She does it all. He once sent her a video of a conversation between him and his youngest daughter (not Katie’s). The young girl is asking him why he treats Katie so poorly and that he shouldn’t do that. HH responds (in the video) that Katie is lying about him, because why not manipulate your children too? He’s caused incredible psychological harm to all of his daughters with his actions on top of that. Katie sends him money. He owes her thousands.
A few years ago I reached my boundary with HH, and I let Katie know that I wouldn’t be involved in anything that included him. Still, she would invite me to things and I’d be surprised to see HH there. No warning. I realized that Katie had no boundaries herself, and dually didn’t respect mine when I set them. Now I ask her directly if HH is around before I agree to anything. For her friendship, I would do this. But it’s deeper than that.
When he does come around, my friendship with Katie is dissolved until he leaves. She will not respond to calls or texts. I bought tickets to a movie this week and I expect she’s not gonna show up. I asked but she didn’t answer, of course. Later, when he leaves, I’ll get the update on what’s been going on. Last time this happened, I found out she’d wrecked her car. Bad. She’d flipped it because she had an anxiety attack while driving. The time before that she’d had an anxiety attack at work so severe that her hands locked up into claws.
She won’t leave him, won’t speak to a divorce attorney (I sourced attorneys for her, urged her to at least do a free consultation), won’t go to therapy (had two, even liked one, just stopped going), won’t set boundaries with HH even for the sake of her very confused children. And when I ask her why, she doesn’t know why. She just won’t.
I can’t continue to watch her do this to herself. It’s like an animal stuck in a trap that’s gnawing off the wrong leg. I thought for a long time about how to phrase the title, but I decided to be honest. I feel this way because of her situation. I want to help her, but even if I dragged this woman away from him she would run right back. That’s reality. Right? What am I supposed to do to help Katie and stay sane myself?
​
TL;DR after 7 years, I am not sure how to proceed with my friend who’s caught in a cycle of travesty.
12 comments
You’ve tried everything you can, but it’s clear that Katie will never leave this man, never learn to set boundaries with him, or honor your boundaries around this. So you’re doing the right thing to take space. I think you should be honest with her and say “I can no longer watch you continue this abusive relationship with your husband. When you decide to leave him, I will be here for you. Until then, I need to take space from this friendship.”
You would be wise to take a huge step back, if not cut her off. She’s allowing herself andher kids to be used and manipulated and in turn is manipulating you to be around him.
Until she decides she needs help you cant help her. You did your best to try and help. With this you can even open her eyes (maybe optimistic thought) to see its not normal/okay/healthy and she is losing people around. I’d still stay in contact to know how she is but keep my distance same time. So sad for the children and women in this situation
Are you a helper or are you audience? Katie seems really happy to tell you about all the drama she’s a main actor in. She doesn’t want out. And she probably knows that he’s bad for her, but how many women don’t like a bad boy? She seems addicted to the highs and lows this relationship brings her. Big chance that if you let her do this alone, she’s going to continue and just find someone else who’ll watch this soap.
You can’t help people who don’t want help. Stop making any efforts. Invite Katie over, but make sure there’s an exit for you to leave whenever things get awkward. A bar is easier to exit than a movie with assigned seats. And otherwise, do other things with your time.
You can’t fix people. If she was addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or gambling, it would be the same answer from me. She’s addicted to this horrible man and putting her whole life and children’s lives second to his whims. And you can’t fix someone else’s addiction. You can only fix your own.
All you can do is have your own boundaries and actually uphold them. When you have attempted to establish a boundary before, you let it go when she overstepped it. That’s not a boundary. A boundary comes as a package deal with a consequence if someone steps over it. The consequence has to be that you put your comfort and mental health first, and step back from the friendship until she can show she’s ready to be a good friend to you. Firstly with an apology, with her being fully able to explain what she did wrong, and a promise to change in future, then actual change has to be seen.
Even if you consider yourselves ‘ride or die’ friends who always have each others backs no matter what – who is doing all the riding, and who is doing all the dying? That is a two-way street, you can’t be ride or die with her, when she’s only casual with you.
All this is to say – you don’t need permission to step back from this friendship. It is already abnormally toxic. In a normal dynamic, it would have dissolved naturally already with one party saying, I do not deserve to be treated this way, goodbye. I hope you can look at some reasons why you might have been caught for so long in her cycle of bad behaviour.
Babe I feel you. It’s so difficult to watch. There might be nothing for it but to take a step back, and let her know why. Sit her down and tell her you’re effectively breaking up with her. Don’t expect that she’ll change as a result of it – though you can certainly hope!
You’ll drive yourself mad with frustration otherwise. Emotional detachment for your own emotional health.
I think you are asking if it is okay to cut her off. Yes, it is.
If you are looking to be absolved of any guilt the decision to cut her off is bringing you, most reasonable people would absolve you. I’ve witnessed people trapped in similar destructive cycles and at a certain point you realize it causes you, the witness, a vicarious level of harm and stress AND you cannot impact the outcome. Staying just enables the self-destructive person to have occasional short-lived respite and does prolong everything. You can absolutely walk away.
Unfortunately, the guilt isn’t easy to shake off even when you intellectually know staying around wasn’t going to change anything (and is often enabling the situation). All I can say is mourn for her & hope she one day gets out of this alive.
Abuse is one of the most difficult things to watch. You’re not equipped for it (no one is) – she needs a therapist. Encourage her strongly to seek therapy. Encourage her to go out and build more friendships. For your own sanity, you might need to cut off any conversation about abuse and gently re-direct her to seeking therapy every single time.
As difficult as it may seem to leave someone you care about in such a terrible situation, you probably should give yourself space from her. Let her know that you are still her friend and will be there for her if she and her husband eventually split up, but that you cannot be a part of the situation any more. Make sure she knows that she can still come to you if it ends though, people in situations like that are purposefully isolated by their abusers. Her husband is doing a great job of that, so make sure she knows she has a safe person to talk to when/if its finally over
Katie has made it painfully clear that she doesn’t *want* help. From you or anyone else.
That leaves you with two options – you can either keep trying to *force* help on an already stressed out person, possibly creating even more stress in the process, or you can drop the rope and accept that you’ve done as much as you can. You’ve given her resources, you’ve encouraged her, you’ve been patient with her when she’s wronged you for the sake of her marriage – there’s nothing more you can do for an unwilling recipient. The ball is firmly in her court, she’s gonna have to pick it up herself.
In the meantime, for your own sanity, remind yourself that however much you think you know about this marriage, most of that iceberg is only visible to the two people in it. There are probably a lot of factors you don’t know about that are influencing your friend’s choices. Factors she either can’t articulate or doesn’t want to share with you. Abusive relationships are always so much more complicated than they appear to bystanders. To you, the choice seems simple, but to Katie, there may be an *ocean* of hidden costs to leaving him. Costs that she is currently unprepared to incur. Take a step back for yourself, yes, but also as a demonstration of your willingness to trust that she’s making what *she feels* is the safest choice, based on information that only she has. You can’t make it for her.
I would just be honest with her and say that you’re not willing to stick around and watch as she destroys both her life and those of her children over a man that treats her like this. Tell her that you will be there for her if she ever actually divorces him and puts boundaries in place.
You can and should implement this boundary.
I know you don’t want to drive her into his arms but my last communication would be to remind her that seeing her children being collateral here is too much.