For a 2nd date to be succesful, would you behave differently compared to the first date or just more of the same? The majority of my first dates lead to second dates, but almost all of my second dates just end there, thats it.
I had another 2nd date yesterday, and it wasn’t really succesful. I am looking for advice if I didn’t do anything wrong on the date. The big difference with the first was that last week there was tons of banter and physical contact (shoulder taps, hip bumbs etc) involved, but on the 2nd date the chemistry just wasn’t there. The conversations where more serious, and yes there was still laughing, but way less physical contact, at least from her side.
I really wonder what changed in the mean time. I did try to kiss her on at the end of our first date, which I normally would never do (if I go for a kiss I usually wait for the 2nd date) but it just felt the right choice this time. That kiss, however, was deflected by her giving me another hug instead, so potentially I already ruined the settting last week.
This time I didn’t even go for a kiss, because something felt off. I still had a good time, which I told her on multiple occasions, but she never said so in return. I don’t need words of affirmation, but I will become a bit unsure about myself if I don’t get sufficient positive feedback. In a last resort I did say that “I know I am not the most flirtatious peson and after 2 dates I often hear people say it was just a friendship vibe. I have trouble reading you, but I want you to know that I find you great and want to see you again”. She told me that she reflects things at home. At this point the ball is in her court right? I don’t even text her after this? I assume she is not interested though.
The thing that bothered me the most about this date is that her actions do not align with someone that is not interested. As an example, we still went to another bar after dinner, which she could easily just avoid if she wasn’t interested. And I don’t care about the money, but at some point I would like women to offer to pay for things. I find women that pick up a bill instantly more attractive. After already paying for drinks last week, and paying for dinner I waited what she would do at the bar. I even asked her shall I pay for this one again? and she just laughed and said “what else? you want to split this?”. I feel like if you are not interested you would at least return someone the favour and pay for some stuff. If you don’t, it just makes me feel used at that point.
I had 5 first dates this year, of 4 which became a second, but no 3th dates yet. I don’t know what I am doing wrong, at this point I am seriously starting to think to contact my ex dating partner and ask her for some critical feedback on what she liked and disliked about our first couple of dates. She’s probably the only one that knows and can be honest.
13 comments
> For a 2nd date to be succesful, would you behave differently compared to the first date or just more of the same?
You should behave like yourself not an act to make it “successful.” Now, if *your self* is problematic then that should be something to work on *before* dating.
I would resist this idea that you’re “ruining” things. Most second dates don’t result in third dates. It sounds like in this case there was just a compatibility mismatch. It could be that she enjoyed your company but not so much in a romantic sense.
Now, as for this part
> feel like if you are not interested you would at least return someone the favour and pay for some stuff. If you don’t, it just makes me feel used at that point.
I don’t know what kind of vibe you’re giving off to women with this sentiment but it could be turning them off. I won’t argue the who pays dilemma again but some (read: many) women do expect a guy to pick up the tab. If that doesn’t work for you, then again it’s just a compatibility mismatch.
Business as usual. Maybe take a small break from the fun and jokes to talk about some more serious stuff for a bit- I don’t mean hours and don’t mean oversharing stuff- just basic stuff like what you want out of a relationship, life goals, positive stuff but serious to test the waters a bit. Just depends on how the first one went.
I think what you said to her is great. It clearly communicates your feelings and asks how she feels.
With dating, sometimes it just fizzles and it isn’t your fault. With regarding to your feeling about wanting positive affirmations- listen to that. If someone doesn’t make you feel good, then you probably don’t want to date them.
On paying- you are a generous person! As a man, I will offer to pay on a first date with drinks. On the second date, it is a red flag to me if my date doesn’t offer to split the bill.
So this is just my opinion but- you paid for the first date and second date. The fact that she laughed at you and didn’t attempt to pick up drinks at the second location? That just feels rude and I would not see her again.
I would just try to go on more dates. If you are feeling insecure or self conscious, maybe try therapy?
Best of luck!
It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. Just sounds like the basic disappointments that come with dating. I’ve had one date also go out to bar after dinner and it not lead to anything, which I also thought was weird. I still don’t have a clue what was on her mind.
Personally, I always have a better time with doing to different type of dates between the first/second. If I did a drinks/dinner date first, maybe do an activity (bowling, barcade, etc.) on the second one. I don’t “behave” any different, but different settings are more conducive to demonstrate different parts of your personality or have different type of conversations.
In 5 weeks you have had 5 dates with 4 second dates. Sounds like you are doing better than most guys. You probably just haven’t found the right person yet.
” what else? You want to split this?”
I think this is it. She wasn’t expecting to pay for the drinks nor splitting the bill. I’m 38f, To be honest, I’d stop and wonder if I should go for the third date if I were her, because I’d also be a bit surprised if my date ( assuming in 30s and have a decent job) said what you said. Maybe it’s the age thing. Dating after 30, ( my case, almost 40 ) I usually get the wrong vibe from him when I try to pick up the bill, almost as if i made him embarrassed insinuating he can’t afford it.
So I buy lunch/coffee and bring it to him, that’s what I do. And it works for us.
I think you guys just have different expectations when it comes to who’s paying. It probably bothered her, and it will bother you because you are expecting her to pick up bills sometimes. Nobody is wrong, just not a matched expectations.
Honestly the process of dating shouldn’t really change from date 1 through date 1000. There’s tons of woman that will use a date as a meal and some company. Not to be confused with using you for a free meal, they just use the tension and antiquated method to their advantage and I don’t blame them. I never mind paying for my dates and I never ask them to pay, but how they interact when the check comes out can give a real indication about their intention.
It also helps to have at least in your own mind what you want out of the date. If you don’t want anything, you shouldn’t go on the date. If you just want an enjoyable evening with someone you’re attracted to your going to be able to achieve that pretty easily. If the goal is to simply get another date with that person, you should think both about why you and her would want that and try a see if it even makes sense.
Date 1 and 2 are vastly different from each other. I’m going to be myself, but it’ll be 2 different sides of myself. I do this to see the different sides of them as well.
My first date is a standard dinner date at a quiet upscale restaurant. I eat at restaurants like this frequently and I enjoy good conversation. It gives us a chance to really talk and learn about each other.
Date 2 is a fun date. A carnival, an escape room, an arcade, even an amusement park. This allows us to change gears in a more relaxed and fun environment to see those sides of each other.
And then date 3 is different from the first 2.
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If it makes you feel any better, I went on a date 2 last weekend and deflected a kiss for the following reasons:
– It was a day date (cold here!) and I just find it odd to have a first kiss with the sun out–just me.
– I got nervous.
It might surprise you to learn that even women get nervous on dates! lol
A couple of options.
* She is totally using you for free food/drinks
* she realized after the first date that she wasn’t that into you, but wasn’t mature enough to just say so
* She had a bad day and things were just off with her, as can happen.
Whatever the reason, if one of these or something else, I’d leave it up to her to reach out again.
As to your general question about approaching them different. I kind of think people are a bit more on their best behavior on the first date. Like they say, you don’t get a 2nd time to make a first impression. Whereas I think the 2nd date is a bit more who you would get if you dated them for real.
My last 2nd date was kind of like this. First date was great. 2nd was fine, but didn’t come out of it with the same excitement as the first one.
Definitely wouldn’t have worded it as “should I pay for this one again” – it feels like a backhanded thing to say. Her response though was really awful – apparently the thought of ever paying for a date never crossed her mind.
I always say something like I’ll get this round if you get the next round. A lot of times I’ll go to a barcade after drinks on a first date if it’s going well or for a second date (definitely helps with physical touch in a not awkward/forced way) and usually say something like you get the games and I’ll get the drinks. I think it’s telling for me if a woman is willing to pay for some portion of the date (even if I’m paying more) – it tells me she’s at least somewhat invested in the date.
So for me the only difference between a second date and a first is that I am more relaxed.
In terms of paying I always pay for myself and I don’t know why some women don’t.
I don’t think you did anything wrong here. She just wasn’t interested