Kinda sad

So i found out recently that i have HSV1 but ive never had any symptoms like cold sores or anything. I got tested for all of the STIs cause i felt like i got a scare and started thinking about what if i spread something to someone unknowingly. I only started being sexually active since last year. But i still have informed all of the people ive met on dating apps since i found out in feb about my HSV1 diagnosis. And i felt like i was telling them too early like before we’d even go on a date and then theyd be scared away. So i ended up going on a date with someone a couple of days ago and did end up telling him at the end of the date cause i felt like we were comfortable with each other and getting personal. He said how its possible that it was a false positive cause i was like im not sure if i have it or not because i never had a cold sore. I realize now maybe i should stop saying that cause i only said it because i did a lot of research online and it said how doctors dont really test on people unless they have symptoms. Im still learning how and when I should relay the news to people.

But i guess me and this guy i just went on a date with had a misunderstanding because he thought i was gonna get retested. And i thought he was okay with me having herpes because he later wanted to sext with me. But today i jokingly asked “are you gonna kiss me on our next date?” And then he asked me if im gonna get a second test to make sure i dont have herpes and its not a false positive? I felt kinda hurt about it because (1) he didnt wanna kiss me on our first date at the end of it but at the time i just thought maybe he thought it was too early because we had only gone on one date which is perfectly is fine (2) but i realized it wasnt because of that and was about what i told him about my STI. I just feel like he should have brought up the concern earlier and it felt almost as if i had to do it in order to get a chance to date him. When i got testing in february, it was very traumatic for me. I had to wait 2 weeks for results back from my primary doctor so i ended up getting a oral swab and blood test for herpes at school cause i was more nervous about contracting something orally. I have only had protected vaginal sex once but have not always used protection when giving someone sex orally. But back when i did the testing in feb, i was very worried the whole time and i think i even loss weight from all that stress. It was hard to have an appetite. I even told my mom that i had started being sexually active which didnt go well. It was just a very stressful time for me. The one thing that did help was me going in and talking to the health counselors at my school who were kind and not judgemental.

Ive come to accept this part of me so i just felt like me being retested for herpes would cause me more harm then good. Sure, i could get a negative result back but i already am someone who lives with herpes. Ive been affected mentally and its not easy to tell people about it. Being tested negative wont change the pain, fear, or the way ive felt because of it. I am okay with having it but i just didnt want to relive the experience of getting retested and being uncertain about it. I dont know if thats selfish or not of me but ive felt like ive done my best with informing people and being more careful not to share stuff and keeping an eye on if i do get a cold sore.
And i guess i just feel like even if i do get retested and it comes back negative, he is someone that i cant be with anymore. Which i said to him. I just felt very sad about it and we probably went back and forth on me getting tested or not for over an hour. So i feel like i already had to relive it again….Is it okay for me to feel this way? I know i could just get retested but theres just a lot of pain and worry that i feel like i can unnecessarily go through again. Given how common it is i figure its highly likely for me to get later even if i dont have it right now.