I (28F) am engaged and planning a wedding for next year. My parents (61M, 64F) are helping. My fiancé and I are splitting costs about 50/50 with them as it stands.
We just had our first big conflict over the catering. I was expecting some disagreement over the food options — we want fun tacos, Asian food, etc. and they prefer more traditional wedding food. I offered to compromise and include a wider variety of options for people. But she quickly became offended that my suggestions (e.g. BBQ station) were so casual. She kept saying things like “People will travel all this way for this wedding. They will expect something nicer.” And “I just think about what I want to pair with red wine.” And “I *don’t* want to eat tacos.” She got pretty mean and insulting about it.
It all comes across as incredibly elitist and selfish to me. I tried asking her who she thinks will expect more “fancy” European food. She had no response. It really is just a personal preference that she thinks she’s too good for tacos — and it’s a preference that will potentially add thousands of dollars to the food bill. I’m also hurt that she doesn’t think people will just be happy to support us on our wedding day. That we somehow have to elevate the experience and put on a show to please people.
I don’t have a problem looking at more food options. But I do have a problem with her disdainful comments and tone about my ideas (and my fiancé’s!) that we are super excited about. It dredged up a lot of feelings from my childhood and teenage years where my preferences weren’t good enough for her. No matter what. She cares so much about putting on airs and being “proper” even though we aren’t wealthy or anything.
I’m just shocked. I thought a decade later we were past this, but honestly we just haven’t faced it in a long time since she hasn’t had a financial/parenting say in my decisions.
I want to say something to her about how her comments made me feel. Because now I’m an adult and not a teenager that just has to go along with what she says. I also don’t want to allow her to act this way about future wedding decisions. From here I know it’ll be my dress, my decorations, etc. won’t fit her vision of what is “right.”
I’m learning this is very narcissistic behavior. How would you initiate a conversation or otherwise move forward here?
tldr; Narcissistic mother thinks she’s above my choices for my wedding. Her view of what is “correct” conflicts with who I am as a person. Not sure how to proceed.
12 comments
It’s quite simple. Tell her that rather than fight over this you will pay for the wedding yourselves. She can come as a guest.
You’re splitting the costs, not splitting your desires and requests. Your parents should not be making these decisions for you. Your mum wants something else on the menu? Oh well, tough shit. It’s your wedding, *your choice*.
If you don’t want to hear this kind of stuff and don’t want your mother to have any kind of influence then it’s pretty simple. Take her out of the equation completely and do it yourselves.
Stop including her in the decisions. But that might also mean you need to stop taking her money. Maybe you can ask her and your dad to just give you the money they feel like spending so you can budget yourself – that’s much more financially responsible than budgeting as you go with someone else’s money anyway. But if that makes them uncomfortable you should just readjust your budget to what you can afford by yourselves.
Some parents just give an amount or you pay all yourself if there are strings attached. I think you need to tell her how you feel and let her know these are your decisions going forward. What would have been better to say unless this is can outdoor picnic casual wedding tacos and barbeque are a little messy for a wedding. You can look at other options to lower the costs on food.
As long as she’s contributing financially, she has major leverage. You have to choose: take their money or make your own decisions. It looks unlikely that you’ll be able to have both.
The problem with accepting money from someone is that they then are entitled, or feel entitled, to a say. If you can afford to, don’t accept money from your parents and tell your mother you do not need or want her input, and let that be that. Block her if you must.
If you’re taking their money, they get a say. They’re hosting the party too.
Decline their money and pay for it yourselves. Scale down.
I assume you can’t afford to have all the costs on you, I just let my parents have their way, mainly it was my narcissistic dad that wanted the wedding so special, unique and he exclaimed he’s the wedding advisor for all our extended family events (he did like 3 and they all sucked) it drew massive conflict with my now wife.
we let him have his way, my wife regrets it. what was at risk? him not speaking to us and breaking contact, well he did so anyway regardless.
take the money and suck it up and wait till she ruins your marriage with her meddling with your relationship or set boundaries and take a loan to cover ur parents half
If you can afford to pay for the wedding yourself, then she doesn’t get a say, but because your parents are paying half, she will feel entitled to have a say in every little aspect of the wedding
> I want to say something to her about how her comments made me feel.
From experience, is that going to result in a positive outcome? Does she ever really care how you feel?
Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), because that’s a waste of time. She doesn’t really care about the food, or the flowers, or your dress or any of the other wedding choices. This is about control and making you feel bad about your decisions.
What she thinks is “correct” is irrelevant. If she insists that since she’s paying for half she gets to have a say, then tell her to keep her money and have a smaller wedding.
Pay for it yourself. You’re going to need to set boundaries early and often
How to plan a wedding with a narcissistic mother?”
You … don’t. You don’t consult her about anything. If she expects to be involved because she is paying, you plan a cheaper wedding and you refuse to accept her money. If you are okay with delegating one tiny thing to her to placate her, something that you don’t care one bit about, then you might consider doing that.