Any advice on how to not feel worthless when I’m not in a relationship?

32 comments

1. I’m sorry, I don’t have any advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.

   I genuinely like having a partner, so it’s hard for me when I’m alone

2. I’ve been in similar situations but have learned to rely on myself and not others for my own self-worth. I can’t and don’t want to put the pressure of my happiness on someone else’s shoulders. Relationships should complement your life, not define it.

3. >I think I rely on having a relationship to feel valued and validated.

   I assume you care about the people that you end up dating. If you care, try to put yourself in their shoes. Would you enjoy being with a partner whose sense of value/purpose was contingent on the state of their relationship with you?

   Personally, I wouldn’t. That is a huge amount of pressure to shoulder when I’m also trying to navigate my own feelings. Or imagine the person who ends up being okay with not only shouldering their own cares/worries, but also yours. That sounds like the start of a heavily codependent relationship.

   If you can keep this perspective of not only wanting something good for yourself, but also the other person, I think it can help you step outside of your current cycle.

4. I think you’re right in what’s causing the cycle. Figuring out how to feel happy and valued by yourself is important and people don’t always know how to do that because they have relied on others/relationships to do it for them. Sometime alone might be helpful. Some therapy could be beneficial as well. It’s work worth doing.

   It has made a world of difference for me. I know I am whole and valuable all by myself. Having a partner is added value. It will make it easier when “things don’t work out”

5. It sounds like you need to work on some narcissistic tendencies within yourself if you only feel personal value when others are affirming it back to you. That need to be the center of someone’s attention isn’t helping you create a natural polarity that balances relationships.

6. If you haven’t read something like Running on Empty by Dr Jonice Webb I’d recommend starting there. It helped me figure out some root causes of my relationship patterns.

7. >The fact that I’m the most important person in someone else’s life makes me feel like I am worthwhile. Not being the most important person in someone else’s life makes me feel worthless.

   Be the most important person in *your own* life. Who’s your top priority? You. Fill the emptiness with things that make you happy. You have inherent worth without being attached to someone else.

   Additionally, you and you alone are responsible for creating and maintaining your own happiness. Can other people enhance your happiness? Absolutely! But they cannot bear the burden of shaping you into a complete, fulfilled, and happy person. When this clicked for me, I became much more content with my life (single or not), found new enjoyable hobbies that make me happy, and really deepened my friendships, new and old.

8. I’m about your age, and I think we may be a bit similar in this regard. I’ve had to learn some tough lessons from being in the “overly attached” mindset, and break the cycle of being emotionally dependent.

   Here’s what I’ll say:

   Having some time away from the dating scene really gives you clarity. You’re doing that now, and that’s great! But keep doing that. Take a year, or two years.

   In that time, you’ll learn to develop a mental reserve for yourself. Right now you’re putting a lot of energy and effort into someone that you don’t leave much emotional energy for yourself, so you feel drained and depressed. You need that reserve to pick yourself back up.

   Take some away from the scene, and work on having that reserve. That way, when things start to turn sour, you won’t hit the steering wheel without airbags.

9. > Is there anyone else on here who used to feel this way but managed to break the cycle? What did you do to figure out how to feel fulfilled and worthwhile without a relationship?

   Traveling, teaching others, surrounding oneself with people that need us in their teams, collaborating with others, helping others, and womanizing.

   Those work for me.

10. I used to be like this. I took 2.5 years off from interacting with the opposite sex in any capacity so that I could learn to be okay with being alone. I threw myself into work, parenting and developing intimacy with friendship.

    Now that I have started dating I almost began to feel that need for validation again but what I do is identify the feeling I’m having and talk through it with myself. I get logical when the rest of me wants to be irrational.

11. I’ll be honest. Overcoming these types of feelings can be really difficult and it takes a lot of mindful dedication to self-reflection and self-growth. But, the relationship you have with yourself is the only relationship guaranteed to last your entire lifetime. So it’s worth putting the time and effort into making sure it’s a good one.

    If you need to be the most important person in someone’s life, be the most important person in your own life. Now I don’t mean that as “be selfish.” But try treating and taking care of yourself the same way you would take care of someone who’s really important to you.

    Noticing your internal self talk is a really good starting point. I know the whole idea of “talking to yourself like you would a friend” sounds cheesy but honestly, the things we say to ourselves make such a HUGE difference in how we view ourselves. Working on this was the starting point for me finding my value internally instead of externally. Being aware of common [cognitive distortions](https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions-negative-thinking#list-and-examples) can be really helpful.

    What helps everyone is different, so you might need to do some exploring to find out what works for you. I went to therapy a bit, but I personally found more success with self-study. Researching things like codependency and body neutrality was helpful for *me* based on my past experiences.

    I took the approach of like okay, let’s pretend, hypothetically, there’s some reason I will *never* be in a romantic relationship. What would I do to still ensure I felt fulfilled?

    So I’ve worked on cultivating even deeper relationships with my close friends, I worked towards having a career that I legitimately love, I feel fulfilled when I help others so I’ll volunteer when I have time etc. etc.

    Again, what helps for you is going to be different than what helps for me. But the commonality between us is we *both* deserve to feel happy and fulfilled outside of romantic relationships. Good luck finding what works for you!

12. BYOC… Be your own cheerleader. It sounds cheesy and awkward because it is. However, it’s also helpful. For two weeks, really try to compliment yourself. On any task or accomplishment, big or small. If you live alone, do it out loud. If you don’t, do it in your head.

    And don’t couch it in qualifiers like, “Tony, you did a great job on that report except for X.” Just “Tony, you did a great job on that report” or “Tony, you did a great job on that cursive letter T. That shit looks like it should be in an illuminated manuscript.”

    Now, you may be thinking, “That sounds crazy and conceited.”

    However, it is neither.

    Our minds are made up of old evolutionary parts and subconscious parts and all kinds of bits. However, even though they are all stored in the same compartment, sometimes one area of the brain is really not up-to-speed with the other areas of the brain. (One hand doesn’t know what the other hand is doing, that sort of thing.)

    Basically, the subconscious part of your brain isn’t going to know that it’s telling itself it’s great. Your subconscious brain is just going to blush and say, “Ah, shucks, me?! Psshaw. Thanks, it does look pretty frickin good.”

    Now, eventually, it won’t need to be so heavy-handed and overt. Your brain will eventually create a more direct pathway. Until then, rain the compliments down. Bathe in them.

13. How long is the longest you have been single? I’m a woman so I may not be able to relate as much. But if your only single for a few months than you don’t really get a chance to learn to find fulfillment in other aspects.

    Women who have never-married or late to marriage offer more practical help to parents according to 2011 study, at 84%. Men it’s 67 percent. For married women/men 67/34%.

    In going solo by Eric Klinenberg he says that single people are more politically active, more likely to volunteer, attend lectures and be out in the world than married people. So maybe those are activities you can try to implement that can help you feel more fulfilled. Also you can meet someone that is also volunteering.

14. If you’re not familiar already, then I would advise looking up attachment theory. I found out about it last week and it has made a lot of stuff about myself make sense. I can’t consume enough information about it right now.

    There are four attachment styles, and obviously they’re not a one size fits all solution, so you may not tick all the criteria for one specific style, but it can give you some insight into why you feel the way that you do and what you could do to improve on those feelings.

15. Your self worth shouldn’t be contingent on one person. You’re putting a lot of pressure on a single human to give you things that you need to already have (self worth, a purpose, support systems in place) and that’s why you are stuck in this loop as you’re aware. Therapy and working on building a strong platonic network that validates you / gives you purpose + worth are really the only ways to break out of this cycle.

    I don’t have a partner but I know I have worth -and- value while single. While I have issues around insecurity and rejection; I don’t seek validation or worth from external sources which means when a break up happens my whole world doesn’t just shut down. There were times, though, where before I’d started seeing ANY therapist this would happen to me. I had to spend time with myself liking myself and my own company as a choice as a first step.

16. I’m sorry, breakups suck and hurt like hell. Take time to heal and don’t worry too much about the cycle etc.

    You did mention hobbies, I’m curious what type do you have? Because I think there’s two types. Short-form hobbies are things you do regularly in the form of an activity. It’s great while you’re doing it but you don’t think much of it outside doing it, stuff like any physical sport that’s not in a league, cycling, reading, painting etc.

    Long-form project-based ones that consume your energy and creativity for long stretches and produce something you can step back and admire. Like a film/animation project, obtaining a certification, learning a new language or something you build etc. On the flip side they take such a focused commitment that it forces you to balance your life needs.

    I think it’s good to have a mixture of both. Something easy to pickup and drop while at least once a year devoting yourself to at least one big project that spans a few days/weeks/months. I find that helps to not take dating so seriously.

17. It sounds like you are using people for narcissistic supply. Not that I’m saying you’re a narcissist, but I’m guessing you struggle with some narcissistic tendencies.

18. I think you should see this as opportunity to grow. Take some time out to do your thing and enjoy your own hobbies and don’t chase the relationships with a SO. Enjoy you time as this will define your future relationships you have. You have built up dependency, we all do it but maybe try and reduce it to fulfil your prophecy

19. You hit the nail on the head yourself. Stop basing your worth, and life, on your relationships. It is unhealthy and counterintuitive.

20. Hi, look up: anxious preoccupied attachment style

21. I’m doing this right now, I don’t have a great group of friends or a fulfilling career or a therapist lol. But I just got out of a long relationship and jumped right on dating and it was too soon. I am too vulnerable and I was distracting myself. I’m focusing on hobbies, making friends, cutting screen time in favor of reading and working out, and I’m feeling pretty happy! I’m just still processing my last relationship so I’m too anxious and uncertain at the moment.

22. You’re not alone… and it sounds like you may be a codepedent. As someone who also is and has made great strides in bettering myself, it gets better. It’s good that you have hobbies and friends and that is a great start, but relationships fulfill a different need in your life. Your partners, like you have suggested, give you validation in ways that you have been unable to give yourself through your hobbies.

    If you’re anything like me, you’re doing things because they’re fun! And that’s good. But are you doing things that truly make you feel proud of yourself? That you do specifically just for you and to take better care of yourself? Sometimes self care can look like spoiling yourself. But sometimes self care can be doing things we don’t want to do, but still need to because it will pay off in the long run.

    I’ve decided to dedicate a lot of my personal time to exercise and cooking and music. I exercise to feel better, take care of my body, and to feel proud of my progress. I cook because it’s like meditation for me – I don’t go crazy with experimenting, but I find recipes and find joy in following the directions, maybe adding some personal touches, and then enjoying the fruits of my labors. And having wine and dancing to the music while I cook certain helps. I even have started posting on social media pictures of the food I’ve cooked (and have been getting better at plating and all that because it’s fun being creative). I do all of this to feel like “hell yeah, I can make an awesome meal, I feel strong and healthy and look great for my age.” Not to attract a partner, but because these are things that I truly enjoy.

    And on top of it all… lots and lots of therapy. Recognizing the fundamental loneliness that I feel deep down. The craving for validation that I feel. And accepting that, embracing it, and allowing myself to move past it.

    It gets better.

23. Maybe Love for Imperfect Things by Haemin Sunim could be great to read

24. Therapy.

25. Most people nowadays will say there is something wrong with you, that you need to be happy by yourself and be ready to let people come and go.

    But to my mind, you are being human. There is nothing natural in the way we live relationships today.

    We were made to be connected to people, not to be self-sufficient.

    I also don’t have any advice to help you adapt to current reality other than getting used to it.

26. To OP – I had to work on this issue myself with my therapist. It’s co-dependence dude, you gotta work on being okay whether you are alone or with someone. There are some support groups for this as well, this is the one I’m in. Hope this helps, I’m rooting for you! [National Codependency Support Group (Online- US)](https://coda.org/)

27. Easy, figure out what you need in your life on your own to be happy.

28. Esther Perel podcast – Where should we begin? June 16th episode. You’re welcome!

29. The podcast Just Break Up is a game changer!

30. To me it sounds pretty pathetic you need others validate your value as a person, but that’s just me. Sounds like you need some therapy to work through some personal issues.

31. I always make myself take 1 year single after a serious relationship

    Force myself to get that me time

32. We’re similar, you and I. I find that as long as I had another friend that was also single.. I was alright. But once everyone in my friend group coupled up.. that’s when I started to really feel a sense of “everyone except me has found love” which didn’t go down well at all for my self worth.

    You’re right to try to work it out in therapy. I started working out a LOT and threw myself into sports. This helped a lot as I felt like I was really excelling at something.

    Achieving work goals also goes a long way in helping you feel good about yourself. I’m a work in progress.. just like you. We’re all not alone in this 🤗