Good morning people of reddit,
I came her for advice and help for understanding and dealing with my relationship I feel is toxic or controlling.
We’ve been together 10mo and have felt this way for about 2 month now.
A little history she was recently out of a 10yr relationship when we meet and I had been single for a while already. We hit it off instantly and started dating within a month. Moved in after 4mo and have been living together since.
I feel a lot of this moved very fast and as a people pleaser and hopeless romantic I felt it was all too good to be true and a dream. I moved in to help her financially with rent and etc and also contribute financially to the household.
Short after I felt like more problems started to arise – I felt unable to share my emotions and feelings, lack of support for what I needed, and communication that was open. During the few fights she gets very aggressive – slams doors, yells, has shoved and swung at me, verbally abuses me – says things like “okay john” referring to her ex, name calling. Says I don’t contribute enough, blames me for stuff, im too sensitive or emotional when I say I don’t like name calling threatens the relationship like “if you want this to work out”, stone walls me, gets pissed at tiny things and storms off.
We’ve already had fights over money. I make more and have frugal spending habits shes the opposite and I’m usually paying the bills and coming out of pocket more than her and it’s drained me financially.
Or times when she acts hot and cold over minor things like deciding dinner plans – always me having to decide. I do majority of the cooking even after long shifts, she’ll always say she’s tired and I’ll do all the cooking and cleaning. In the time we’ve been together shes cooked for me 5 times.
As a people pleaser when we get into fights she’ll walk away and not try to talk or resolve the issue. Well fight or bicker then I’ll start cleaning house or etc to stay busy and please her. Or shell passively say stuff like I’m lazy and never do anything to get me to react and get up and do stuff.
Intimacy is almost gone. I initiate sex and am always the one being physical. I tried voicing my wants in the start as in I too like to be taken advantage or submissive at times and was shut down. I’m also a very emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeve and always verbally express my love to her with not much in return other than I love yous
She wants constant attention and care and have lost my own time for my own wants and me time. I’m usually left with “but I’ll be all alone” when trying to go out for me time.
We had one major fight where i packed up but didit leave. She shoved me told me to leave called me names. Mean things were said. Death threats to herself and not once did I do anything mean back.
I feel a may have gone in too far into this too quick and worry I may be stuck and am scared to leave. I feel unhappy and I’m not sure what to do.
TL;DR I feel I’m in a toxic relationship and I’m scared and confused We do have our good moments but the bad and negatives outweigh them đ
24 comments
You jumped into this too fast, and you didn’t do what you’re supposed to do: dating is about assessing the other person for their compatibility for being in your life for a significant amount of time. Fuck the infatuation, fuck whatever small shared interests you have, I look at behaviours, actions and their worldview. Do they know how to have a healthy, adult relationship? Do I feel better around them or worse? Can I communicate my feelings and thoughts/do they value them? Do they care about me for who I am, or am I a prop in the drama that’s going on inside their head with their childhood/last relationship/delusions of grandeur? Can they be mature about conflict resolution? If they are a no to literally *any* of those questions, then they’re not for me. Case closed, open and shut. This girl is literally a veritable field of soviet-red flags waving and you’re ignoring it because you already decided that your infatuation means that this must be special and it should work and you should be able to make it work. No, this isn’t special (you could find someone else, and honestly, it seems like even what you’re doing kinda just sucks), no it sometimes can’t work, and no, there might not be anything you can do about it. If those things are all true, what do you think the correct plan of action is? Act accordingly.
Oh, also, you’re describing my mother as well, just omitting some behaviours for others and a partner for a child. It doesn’t get better. Ever. So put that shit out of your mind right now. The sooner you grasp the hard reality that you’ve made a mistake and shacked up with someone that you really shouldn’t have, the sooner you can start digging yourself out of this hole.
It sounds to me like she doesnât respect you at all. Respect is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Do your future self a favor and leave. Being single is better than being in a relationship like this. This is toxic AF.
Her ex put up with it for 10 years, do not put up with for another day. She is being physically and emotionally abusive. Put on your track shoes..
If all that has happened in 10 months? You have to bounce. You live with her? You know Reddit is going to tell you to dump her. Be strong you wonât regret it!
Yeah I don’t think she cares about you. She’s hot off of a 10 yr relationship and she had you move in with her and immediately take over her bills. Why would she do that? Huge red flag.
Not only that but she’s literally abusing you. Yelling at you is not OK, comparing you to her ex is not OK either. She’s not having sex with you either. So what do you get out of the relationship? You get to spend all your money and time and sanity on some woman you barely know, who’s messing with your emotions and doesn’t even want to sleep with you? I’d say she was turning you into a bang maid, but you’re paying the bills and you’re not banging.
You should be angry, and you should leave. I’m angry for you! This woman is as much a predator as any domestic violence perpetrator. You need to leave, and you need to do it soon. Don’t let her drag you down to her level, dont wait till you’re at the end of your rope and she escalates it to physical violence.
Don’t put it off, and don’t let her negotiate with you. If you were my brother or my friend I would tell you to leave her TODAY. Once you do I promise that you will feel so much better. You have a lot to offer to someone who actually cares about you.
She’s abusing you physically and emotionally. She’s capitalizing on your inability to be firm and decisive. She’s mooching off you.
If you have not already, start recording all of her outbursts. Take note of every time she hits you. Even if you don’t intend to press charges, do this as a form of self protection against false claims of abuse she’ll bring against you
I suggest asking a close friend to come by as a witness when you break up with her. She will not be happy. She may try to assault you again. Time your exit in advance, if you’re kicking her out or moving out yourself.
Of course you leave someone who calls you names and has actually shoved you…immedately. She’s using you, bud. She’s using you for money and as a houseboy, but doesn’t want to fck you and actually physically abusing you. What are you afraid of? How are you stuck?
I’ve read fear of abandonment, immaturity, conteolling behavior and fear of confrontation. I did not notice this during my 1.5 year relationship. Well, i did but i denied them. It was all drama and not worth in the end. I would say you might wanna end this, but probably you gotta hit your head a few more times. If not end it now. It only gonna get worst, never better.
I really think you should address these issues with her. Sheâll either a) not take it well and deny/invalidate your experiences and feelings or b) have some sense of awareness of what she is doing to you. Therapy would be a good place to start if she knows the way she is behaving is an issue. If she cannot seem to realize her actions are toxic, then you should decide to leave because she will not get any better. It seems like youâve dealt with a lot and you deserve so much more than what sheâs put you through. I would say to pack up your things while she is gone so she doesnât cause a scene. Donât tell her youâre going to leave for good until you know youâre safe. I hope youâre okay
Do you have a safe place to go? Do you need whelp figuring out a plan on where youâll live and how youâll exit this?
Sounds like she’s an emotional terrorist in your life.
She doesn’t respect your time, your space, or your money.
It’s also sounding like you have been browbeaten to the point where that’s the case as well with regards to your own self respect.
Her actions really will interfere and continue to interfere with your ability to have a good relationship with yourself. It seems like anytime you try to do something for yourself, to get back to you, she interferes in it. That’s keeping you off balance.
I’d recommend you pursue being single for a while, and get some therapy time in to help correct bad behaviors you may have picked up from this traumatic sounding relationship.
You deserve better, but it’s gotta start with you in this case.
My brotherâŠ..RUN. And with the quickness.
There is literally nothing about the current state of the relationship that is good. She is not a good person. She is an abusive person on many fronts, itâs not your job to change her.
AgainâŠ..RUN!!!
Listen, everyoneâs telling you to leave. However, the things is that she was likely in an abusive relationship before this one, to have so much anxiety and so many control issues. People donât just become that way over night. Is she going to counseling? Does she understand that she is being toxic? Have you had a conversation with her about her general behavior towards you? I think itâs important to do this if you care for her. She may just be struggling to heal. My boyfriend and I have had similar struggles (although not quite that severe) because I have trauma from childhood and past relationships. I have been working very hard on my behavior and there has been a noticeable improvement. My boyfriend loves me, so he is patient with me, as long as it is obvious I am trying to change and progress is being made. If you love her I would give her a solid chance to get better before you leave. My relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful when Iâm taking my medication and I am putting in the work I need to. You could have that relationship. People can change, contrary to popular belief. HOWEVER I MUST ADD, if you feel like you mentally are suffering (which is sounds like you are) and you canât take on this burden, it is perfectly okay to walk away. You do not have to subject yourself to this life if itâs too much, or she isnât what you want anymore.
Break the fuck up, get out of there – that’s what you do. I know you’re probably tempted to try and make it work, have a sit-down where you discuss what’s going on hoping that she’ll change – but that ain’t going to work. She’s shown you who she is, and that’s almost certainly not changing.
I appreciate that you’ve got an optimistic romantic side – but I think part of growing up & having mature relationships is learning that you *have* to deal with the reality of things. Like, sure – embrace the romantic gestures, the feelings, writing poems and dropping rose petals and all that shit. But at the end of the day, if you’re trying to make it work with someone that you’re just incompatible with (for whatever reason – maybe they want kids & you don’t, maybe they want to live in a huge city & you want to live in a yurt, maybe they’ve got personal anger issues like we see in this case, maybe they’ve got substance use issues, etc. etc) then you’re just going to end up miserable, no matter how many romantic feelings you started out with.
Your gut is right. You went too far, too fast. That’s scary to experience but you know that’s what’s going on and that is excellent.
The next task is to start thinking about how to get away. You don’t need to leave tomorrow. But you need to start your plan.
Iâm so sorry youâre going through this đ but it sounds like youâre not even in a place where you can address this with her and if you donât get out now itâll only get worse. I hope you find the strength to put yourself first!
Man, If you donât pack your things and move out NOW!!!!! What are you still doing there ?
Your feelings and wants are all valid. Youâre a hopeless romantic, youâll find love again, donât be out there thinking you wonât have or canât have something better than this.
The toxicity will eat you, it will kill the sweet person you are.
Run, not walk, to the closet & clear your shit out and move!!!
On a real tho, thereâs no winning with a person like this, sheâs going to continue to shut you out and down, itâs a never ending cycle, therapy canât fix this with you in the mix. She needs time alone with therapy to fix herself. Sheâll love bomb you into thinking sheâll change then go back to old habits.
Move out. Cut all communication.
You can go it, rooting for ya!
She sounds like a toxic mooch
Her referring to you as her ex really stood out to me. She can’t even take the time to understand the way you think without comparing you to her ex? Extremely disrespectful.
She needs heavy therapy, not a relationship. Especially if this is only 10 months in.
You said it yourself. Every relationship has issues, but you have to decide if the bad outweighs the good – which you’ve already stated
Your girlfriend is abusive. John probably got fed up with her shit too.
Stop having sex with her, before she baby traps you…
Whatâs actually keeping you in this relationship?
Bro just fucking leave this dumpster fire. You know you need to do it. Good job reaching out for affirmation but you already know what the right answer is. You are better than this
OP sheâs physically and verbally abusing you. Iâm a people pleaser as well so I understand it can be hard to be upfront but you need to leave her. You can do it. You are doing so many nice things for her and sheâs abusive. You deserve better. You could also press charges for the physical abuse if you want