I (23f) have been seeing someone and it’s the first person I’ve ever actually thought I might like…. I’ve barely even had crushes and have very little dating experience.
I’m still a virgin, and I don’t know anyone my age who is so it’s a little weird, but it’s been my choice to not have sex when the opportunity has previously arisen.
I’ve been assaulted badly twice, once in a club (hands in vagina situation) and once in a dark alley which was more violent but not rape. I have had a real distrust of men and don’t ever put myself out there.
Anyway I obviously have now because I’m seeing someone I like! I feel like it’s getting to the point where we’ll be more intimate. He asked me back to his after our last date but I declined.
I think I do want to sleep with him but I also want to tell him that it’ll be my first time. Do I tell him why? I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or awkward or just generally ruin the whole vibe.. I’m not really sure how to handle the situation or if I should even tell him at all!
Does anyone have any advice?
25 comments
Don’t need to tell why
Just be straightforward and tell him the truth. My ex gf was in a very similar situation and I’m so glad she trusted me enough to tell me about her experiences. It really made me understand and be as thoughtful as I could regarding sex. If he has an issue with it, the dudes an asshole and not meant for u.
It’s not weird that you are a 23 year old virgin. People have sex when they are ready.
For some people, they want their first time to be with someone they truly care about and trust. For others, it might be more about getting it over with. People are different.
What’s important is communicating with your partner about what’s important to you. Be authentic.
I would tell him that you haven’t had sex before, but I wouldn’t do it while you are in the bedroom. Don’t let it get to the point where you’re back at his place, about to do the deed, and then you stop to lay that on him. Have a conversation with him before either of you have hormones involved, so you’re both thinking clearly.
yes if you are a virgin. later you can tell what happens. but if you are a virgin, he should know, why? virgin is not the same thing as person who had sex. What happen to you i am sorry, but you can tell him later.
I think you should tell him, but way before you get to the point of being intimate. If he doesn’t know maybe he’ll accidentally do something that makes you uncomfortable and you’re not quite ready for, which could be way more awkward and upsetting.
I would tell him you’re a virgin (before you get to the bedroom or wherever). However you don’t owe anyone an explanation regarding your decision. It’s your choice to tell who you want, when you feel comfortable. Good luck
If he’s a decent guy he won’t mind that you’re a virgin. You don’t have to tell him why if you don’t want to but I’d recommend telling him you haven’t had sex before as it will be harder to bring up in future if you continue seeing him and it will mean that if any awkward problems arise he knows why .
I was 23 when I lost mine and I did tell my partner that I hadn’t done anything with anyone before we made it to the bedroom and I think that made it a more positive experience as he communicated with me a lot and I don’t know if he would have done that as much (aside from basic consent) if he didn’t know
Thanks so much for all your comments. I guess I sort of want to rationalise it to be honest…. And I’m just getting in my head about feeling the need to justify something that I don’t want him to judge me for. I’m a big overthinker and I know he’s a good guy so won’t judge me, it’s just you know – my first time so of course feeling a little panicky
Don’t tell him why
Strangers and even abusive partners may use it against you not everyone is a good person don’t give personal information like that until trust is built 100% use good judgement
There’s no rush! Your reasons for distrusting men are real and valid.
Simply tell him you want to take things slow because of past experience (you don’t have to go into detail to explain this), and it clarify that this preference doesn’t have anything to do with him specifically.
If he reacts negatively to what you say about this, then this guy is not for you. If he cares about you, he would respect your stance in this. And then later you can tell him more details when you’re comfortable.
Just be as honest to him as you are with us. Be yourself. That‘s the best thing you can do
Just tell him you’re a virgin because you wanted to save yourself for a man who you considered special enough. However, you should save the sad and tragic events for a future date at your discretion. I say that because you don’t want to kill the great vibes you both have going on. Best of luck sweetheart. So sorry for those two idiotic animals who misrepresented the rest of us in such a horrible way. I’m sure you figured out by now that most men are NOT like that. Godspeed.
I’m also in the same situation myself, M28 who’s also never slept with anyone. I’ve recently gone on three dates with this girl, first time I’ve ever gotten past the second date and feel for the first time it could actually go somewhere.
The only advise I can give is just be completely honest with him just tell him the reason for your situation. I plan on doing the same with my next date and tell her that I wanted to wait and that insecurities have also played apart. I feel it would be unfair and stupid of me to just get to the stage of sex without mentioning that she would be my first and the inexperience may look obvious so the best thing anyone could do is just be honest and up front I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Best of luck with it and hope it all works out!
You don’t need to tell him why. He should respect your boundaries. Sorry those incidents happened to you, that’s scary. He shouldn’t pressure you for sex either.
Don’t feel bad. I am 25F and still a virgin as well. Its nothing to be embarrassed about!! I’ve also had opportunities but chose not to as I didn’t totally trust the person yet, and it didn’t feel right.
Also have previous experiences with SA to some degree, which has made it difficult to date.
It seems like you want to tell him, and have a conversation about it, (that’s the vibe I get from your post text), so I would do what you want, and have a conversation about it.
Next time you see him and are alone together, if there is a lull in the conversation just be like “hey, I wanted to talk about something serious with you…” and he’ll no doubt get serious and listen. That’s when you can admit that you’ve been thinking about sleeping with him, as you REALLY like him and feel like this is legit and real for you (and that you hope it is for him too). But you have to admit that your still a virgin and therefore, have been avoiding actual sex and are nervous about having sex for the first time.
No doubt he will respond kindly (if he is worth his salt like you say he is) and you both can talk about what would make you feel more comfortable, and go at a pace you are comfortable with!! 🙂
Talk to him about all of it if you like. It doesn’t have to be at length or with great gravity. You can say I move slow sexually. How slow? I’m still on first base. Why? Because I haven’t been ready before now. And also, I’ve been assaulted in the past and it’s impacted my willingness to be physically vulnerable (which is absolutely required for sex).
That’s a heavy topic but it doesn’t have to be a heavy conversation. Can keep it short. But it’s great way to practice being intimate via communication
Me personally, I would let him know about my assaults but as for you being a virgin. I don’t think it matters. The reasons why you should tell him about the assaults’ is because if something triggers you while having intercourse, i think it’s better if he knows what is happening and how to help you.
I’d say yes but only if you’re ready. A simple “I’m not ready for sex” should be enough, but if you want to elaborate and feel comfortable doing so then I think you should. I was in the same spot as you when I was 20. I decided to tell him and it both deepened the trust between us, and gave up a good setup. We decided that every “first” down to the first hand hold were to be initiated by me, mostly because he was comfortable with any pace and I was not. I don’t regret it in the least.
That’s not weird at all
I am very sorry for the trauma you went though and you should talk with him about it. I wish you lifelong happiness.
My girlfriend was 27 when we met, she never had any bad encounters with men, simply decided to not give herself away to a man she didn’t love.
I’ve had over 100 bed partners. Strangely enough she fell in love with me.
She told me at some point while we were dating that she was a virgin, I told her that I’d only feel comfortable if she would let me know when she’s certain & ready.
A man needs to to be considerate of you. There’s no rush now after 23 years, take your time to check the boxes that are important to you.
She’s the first woman I truly love, before I never had much luck of meeting the right woman. I gave this dating period much more time than I have had with any other woman. I wouldn’t dare to break her heart!
So most importantly, start a conversation about sex. See how he sees it, what’s important to him about it? Some men just fantasize about taking a woman’s virginity, some just want sex. See if he wants YOU, or if he just wants Sex.
Yeah you can tell the truth, don’t get into the details bc that shits depressing, something like “I’m a virgin because men have treated me horribly before, but I love you and you’re great and I’m scared but I love you enough to give this a chance ” that should work. My last gf wasn’t a virgin but she was assaulted repeatedly by her last husband and things were really messed up sexually, vaginismus and such. I liked being the guy who made sex good for someone who had awful experiences, that made me feel good about myself. Oh, and STRONGLY SUGGEST that he eats you out, you may have vaginismus from the assaults so he needs to eat you out to clear that out. I’m typing too much.
With what youve been through theres a good chance alot of trauma may come out, id say its important to tell him if your comfortable. Gauge his reaction and see if you can trust him sexually. Me for example id be supportive and want to take things at your pace for example, whatever youre comfortable with. Some guys might not be.
Reason its important is if you end up having that trauma come out it can be released in many ways, emotionally, verbally, physically. Its important he knows what could happen and take steps to make you as comfortable as possible.
I know some people who have been through various forms of abuse myself included and some things can trigger feelings, me for example get anxiety attacks about my instance.
Please be careful and consider yourself above all else.
Just tell him you’ve never been in a relationship so you’ve never had sex.
Don’t tell him the gory details till later when you can actually trust him
I’m a guy in my 30s and just before covid broke up after a long term relationship with a woman I dated from 24 who was the victim of trauma .
What each woman chooses to do in terms of sharing is totally personal , whether to share or not to share , to what degree one shares if that’s the decision and to whom.
In essence women will deal with their trauma in their own way in their own time . And what she feels regardless of what that is needs to be respected .
Some will choose to take time opening up and work through it themselves and friends , family , partners will often put pressure on saying open up always communicate get help .
In other situations , people might share with all and sundry and take the view that that approach will not let the trauma defeat them but get criticised for that
Each situation is different , there is not one way to deal with it and it’s the woman’s right to choose
In the case of my ex , her father wanted her to suppress it when she sought support and when she left the abusive guy ( immediately ) , the next bf made it about him and the abuse was of a different kind .
When I came along it was not discussed but I sensed an issue . I said nothing but focused on events and enjoying company and pretended I noticed nothing . I knew at a stage she would bring it up when she was ready . That did happen of course but I merely supported her it wasn’t over analysed and though those things never leave , she did brilliantly in having focuses , changing careers and walking tall
I’m only a guy in this but I’d only say that who you choose to talk to is crucial . Naturally a partner would inclined to be that person but choose the wrong partner , the wrong person to tell and a comment or three can cripple .
My then partner told me that the second abuse .the mental abuse from her second bf was equal to the actual assaults from the first guy .
In the OPs case I think you can talk of taking it slow without giving your life story . So many guys think they can FIX you and are in fact the worst people to share things with as they are incapable . The guy may be fantastic and good luck , but not all are and you make that call
Best wishes