My (20M) partner (19NB) and I have been together for almost two and a half years now, in this third act of our relationship (we tried it two times before this one).
On May 28th, and after living with my mother for almost three months, we moved out of her place and into our own apartment. YAY! Still very happy and excited about it; after all, they’re a lovely, sweet and caring human being… BUT (There’s always a but, have you thought about that?) Our sex life is very far from what I expected.
For context, when we started this third attempt (February through December 2020), and on the two previous ones, they wouldn’t let me go without passionately hugging me so much that my legs were always left shaking (and I have a HUGE libido). I. LOVED. IT. We were doing it twice a day sometimes, and we were doing it daily. It was my teenage wet dream (ba-dum-tssss).
But for the past year, their libido has been on the down side, which is sad because the longer we go on this relationship, the larger my libido for them grows. We went from doing it daily to twice a week, to once a week, and now we’re on a once every ten days or two weeks frequency.
It has caused me panic attacks and it has made me feel insecure about my body more than once. They have made it clear that their loss of libido is not related to me, but to how they feel about their body and themselves. Their lack of humor has been a huge part of this.
When we moved in, I was very excited about the fact that, without my mother around, our sex life could improve massively. And it has improved in a way, we’re back to pulling that pink backpack with our toys every time we do it. But the frequency has not changed and it’s getting worse. The fact that the incredible amounts of stress that my job and my mom (I’ll explain why in a minute) are putting me through has led to me becoming my dad for a minute and yelling at them for no good reason.
Now, there’s also the fact that, even though we’re both earning a great amount of money, I’m not seeing much of my salary. So that I could move out of my mother’s, I had to promise that I’d still take care of some things, like sending her my half of the rent, paying for my sister’s phone line, paying for the Internet Service, paying the washing machine’s monthly installments, etc. Long story short, my mom’s getting HALF of my salary because of this. And that’s putting both a financial and mental strain on me.
Going back to our main subject here, though, I’m sure I’m the A-Hole with what I’m writing here; I’d just love it if we could go back to when they were screwing me daily. It made me feel loved. God knows why but getting f***d so hard and so frequently makes me feel loved and makes me feel complete. I’ve told them this and they’re trying but I dunno, I’m somewhat tired of this routine where I get too insistent and they fell used and then I feel bad because I’m so f***d up that my way of showing affection is by telling them how much I love their butt. TBH, I’m starting to think this may be a sex addiction.
Does anyone have any advice? This, quite frankly, is my only issue with them. Otherwise, our domestic life runs smoothly and I love it so far. But I still would love to improve this somehow.
TL;DR I’m not getting enough action after moving together with my partner. Any advice?
5 comments
Sex often decreases, but you need to work on things to prevent decreased interest. You can’t ensure it or completely prevent it, but you are doing several things to encourage decreased interest, and that is likely to make the problem worse and worse. You already know you need to not resort to yelling – that simply is not okay. But you also need to stop pushing for sex. When you push for sex, then it turns sex into a chore, and that tends to destroy a person’s libido. You need to start being a bit less blunt with your desire and a lot more romantic. You need affection that isn’t sexual and is not trying to lead towards sex. You need date nights. You need close conversations. You need to keep a romantic connection going despite the stress, and then that will give your partner the best chance they have of retaining as much libido as they can.
You know exactly why your partner isn’t having sex with you: dysphoria. It’s nothing to do with you. They are struggling because of their feelings about their body. Are they seeing a therapist?
Take a love language quiz with them, maybe yours is physical touch and that can be shown other ways that may help you feel loved.
>Now, there’s also the fact that, even though we’re both earning a great amount of money, I’m not seeing much of my salary. So that I could move out of my mother’s, I had to promise that I’d still take care of some things, like sending her my half of the rent, paying for my sister’s phone line, paying for the Internet Service, paying the washing machine’s monthly installments, etc. Long story short, my mom’s getting HALF of my salary because of this. And that’s putting both a financial and mental strain on me.
…what? Why did you agree to this? You might as well have not bothered moving out at all. Stop being a doormat and maybe you’ll feel better.
Why are you blaming your partner for the issues that YOU are causing by being financially beholden to your mother?