I (26f) have been with my boyfriend (30m) for two years. He thinks everything is okay. But sometimes I want to break up, move out, start over, or just be someone completely new. Don’t get me wrong, he’s very sweet to me, I feel safe with him (as in I know he’ll protect me if need be), I can emotionally count on him, he likes my family (and vice versa), and can make all the plans in the world with him. I just can’t Mel myself believe those plans will come to life.
I’m on the bigger side, we both are. But he used to be fit. I never have. I can see the way he looks at other girls that are skinnier. He thinks I don’t notice how his gaze lingers on his phone screen or the tv screen when a skinny girl with makeup or barely any clothes on appears. I have seen him take screenshots when, coincidentally, there’s a half naked girl on the screen. Though I know he’s not physically cheating on me, I know he’s texted other girls because either they’ve found me and have sent me their convos or as soon as I am within eye sight of his screen, he changes it or locks his phone. He thinks I’m sleeping sometimes when I notice. Or I’ll hear the porn when he goes into the bathroom.
Sex: if it happens, it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t happen unless I make it obvious or flat out say I want sex and even then I feel guilty because “we had sex two days ago” when that’s not the case. Lights are always off. Tv may be on, but he’ll get distracted if hot girls are the screen. Many times I hear porn in the bathroom. Even when he said his little friend is too tired for me and is still recovering.
He doesn’t take pictures of me. Not unless I ask him for a couples picture. He doesn’t want to live with just me. I know he’d rather live with his friends or family than with me. I’ve been looking for a place of my own. I’m torn. Because I love him, and I know he loves me. But he’s said it himself, he’s not attracted to me. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep up the facade that I’m okay with that.
Sometimes I want to make him hurt. Break up with him, glow up, thrive without him. Get a better job, in a better place, earn better money, lose weight, all of it. But then I’m in his presence and it all goes away because if we’re doing something, he gives me all his time or if we’re doing separate things, he supports me. But most of all I love him. When we have heart to hearts, I can feel his love, his family can feel his love, he does things subconsciously to show his love. He’ll say it in his sleep. He hasn’t said he doesn’t find me attractive in a long time, but I also haven’t asked.
I wanted to get married to this man. Not because ownership or benefits. But because that’s what has always been taught to me. It’s become important to me. I want a marriage. I want kids. He knows this but does his best to show his disdain for all of it. I want to be able to say “this is my husband. If anything happens to me, this is who you call. This is the man I’ve chosen to spend my life with. This is the man that has trusted his life to me” and of course vice versa. Have little mini us running around. But that dream has shattered.
I know I need to break up because I’ll be unhappy if I don’t. He’s told me (for other situations) that if it means I’ll be happy he’s okay with a break up even though I could see the tears in his eyes as he’d say it or hear the crack in his voice. I can’t bring myself to do it. I can save the money to leave. I can go to friends or family. But I can’t.
He’s not forcing me to stay. He’s not abusing me. He doesn’t even know I feel this way. I don’t want to make him feel guilty. Because he’s tried to hide it, I’ve just found out. I’m making excuses for him. I know. I’m not that stupid. I’m just stupid enough to stay.
I just needed to vent. If you made it this far, thanks. I’ve spoken to friends about this, but all they say is “you’re a smart person, you’ll know what to do”. Months later and I’m still here, I guess.
Tl;dr my boyfriend doesn’t think I’m attractive but I can’t make myself breakup with him.
9 comments
>I know I need to break up because I’ll be unhappy if I don’t.
If you’ve already made this decision… What kind of advice are you hoping for?
I fear I agree with your friends. For me this wouldn’t be enough; I want my partner to find me physically attractive as well as love me and be my best friend.
I think your partner should be able to accept who you are as a whole. If it doesn’t feel right, try to look for sth else. You deserve unconditional love and support. And I understand it’s hard.
It’s really hard to leave when you care about someone and love them. It’s ok. You know what you need to do, bit it feels impossible. How about you take a few other steps before? Like arranging a place to live, look for another job. Then set a date for when you’re going to do it. Prepare the best you can, rip the band-aid off and get out of there.
Physical attraction is n1 thing tbf imo. physical attraction is what keeps you hooked all the way through your primes to that person and it is as sustainable as the other pieces fit together (personalities that match). And physical attraction does not mean one or both in the couple are models or superfit, it means that there is a natural attraction and arousal happening and wanting of physical intimacy, that is physical attraction, so it goes for all body types because we all like different things.
That being said, if you find a partner that is physically attracted to you and with whom you feel there is a match in personalities you found a partner. If you find someone that is not physically attracted to you but you match well personality wise, you found a friend. If you find someone you match in physical attraction but not personalities, you just had a fun hook up.
Hi OP! I suggest that you have this conversation with him? Ask him exactly whatever plagues your mind. Sometimes, people just do things because they feel it’s just innocent (and don’t understand that it could hurt someone else ie their partners). The first thing to do is tell them how it makes you feel, in great detail, and then seek their views on it. If you’re unable to resolve it or come to a mutually beneficial point, then it might be worthwhile to reconsider leaving the relationship.
From what you’ve written, it seems like he loves you and shows your affection, and makes you feel protected. Isn’t it worthwhile to try talking to him, and then deciding the course of action?
Physical attraction is what makes a romantic relationship different than just a friendship. I don’t think this is an appropriate behavior from his side at all. Taking sreenshots of girls while watching a video together? Jerking off to porn after telling you he is too tired to have sex, even though you haven’t had sex in a while? And letting you hear that shit after you’ve been refused? And more so, texting other girls?? Find someone that respects you, and treats you as a romantic partner.
This is all on you. No one can make you proud of yourself. But this is a good thing.
You are in charge.
You want to be someone different? Get the job, eat differently, whatever it takes.
I am all for change but do not blame anyone else for how you feel about yourself.
If you’re unhappy in a relationship and have been for some time now, you should probably leave. The longer you stay, harder it will be. Right now you’re settling. Yeah, there are good things a out your partner and relationship, but it’s not enough for you and that’s okay, you want more, you want to be liked, desired and to be seen as attractive and these aren’t unreachable things.