Our families have known each other for a very long time since we were living in the same city and are of the same caste. We both have jobs and are quite stable financially, but due to our traditions, our parents arranged our marriage and we have been together for around 4 years now. Earlier she used to be very shy and quiet, I would have to try very hard to even have a conversation with her but eventually, she opened up to me towards which I was very happy. She revealed to me that she was in a relationship with one of her colleagues until our engagement. She had to break it off with him because of pressure from her family but she was still “best friends” with him. I was a little disheartened by this but then I decided to overlook this as it was in the past and is not relevant anymore. I loved(still do) her immensely and believed that I was living the perfect happily married life.
Now the problem starts when I received a job offer which included a significant increase in pay and responsibilities, with the only con being that I would have to move to another city approximately 50km away. I am very ambitious by nature, so I wanted to grasp this opportunity and brought this discussion up with my wife. To my dismay, my wife was not at all happy about this as this would “uproot her entire life” and that she has important duties to fulfill at her workplace. After lots of deliberation, we came to a conclusion that I would take the job and return every week or so to visit. Neither of us were happy from this compromise but it was important for both our careers.
I would call her diligently every evening when I returned to my company guesthouse when one day, I heard a man’s voice in the background. Obviously, I was concerned and asked her who it was but she brushed it off saying that some of her friends have come over and that it’s nothing to worry about. I let the matter go since it is quite common for women to have male friends. The next weekend when I came to visit, I found a tie which I did not recognize. On inquiring about this, she immediately became defensive saying that it is probably something her friend dropped. At this point, my mind immediately jumped to her ex-boyfriend and I asked her if he was at the party. She said and I quote “Why wouldn’t I call my best friend to a party at my house?” Our relationship has not been the best since that day and we are not talking like we used to. I have been suspecting that there is something going on between the two of them but I could be totally wrong too and this could backfire and ruin our marriage. What do you think I should do?
18 comments
Firstly there is already a problem in your marriage otherwise this post would not have been there.
All you have mentioned is 50-50 chance to be true or coincidence.
Generally, the gut feeling works better in such cases than logic.
You need to talk straight with her without being apologetic or demeaning.
She will try to take upper hand because there is no real proof.
Getting third party trusted intervention may help once you both are done with deep conversation.
This can be a professional help as well.
I know you are going to hate to hear this, but it doesn’t sound like you wife was ever really invested in the relationship the same as you were. She was in a relationship that she was forced to break off, and kept the guy around all these years as a “best friend.”
I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with your wife, and try to get to the bottom of this. From there you can decide how you wish to move forward.
Sorry I’m going to focus on a different aspect of this post just because I’m a little stunned by the fact that you moved and no longer live together just because of a job 50km (30 miles for US folks) away. Forgive me if this is cultural ignorance, but here it’s incredibly common for people to commute much further than that from their home to their office everyday and would never be a reason for a married couple to live in different residences. Maybe where you are it’s not common for people to have their own cars and/or there isn’t like a train or something between cities, so I apologize in advance if that’s a dumb thing to be shocked by.
But regardless of the reasoning, it seems like it would be very difficult to sustain a relationship and meet your partner’s needs if you live apart indefinitely and only “visit” each other. I can easily see how your wife would increasingly lean on a friend/ex for companionship and support that might become an affair. If she never truly wanted to leave that prior relationship if not for the arranged marriage, it seems even more likely that she’s gone back to him.
Not excusing cheating at all and I feel for you as the wronged party, OP, but if I’m being completely honest I also feel for her having to sacrifice a love.
Just tell her “I’ve hired a private investigator, they have provided me a bunch of information over the last few months including things about your party. I need you to tell me what’s going on.”
And then see what she says. Odds are she’ll admit to it all, or she’ll deny anything.
Dude, her parents forced her to marry you. It was never a real marriage, just cover so she could be with the person she loves. You should have understood this from the beginning. If it’s not enough for you, you need to leave.
i feel bad for your wife , she was dating someone she loved and wanted and then had to break it off for an arranged marriage 🥲
Hell, I had a job with a 45 mile commute. 50 km (31 miles) isn’t far. What’s going on?
I’m so sorry. Trust your instincts.
You need to let her go so she can be happy. She wanted to be with the other guy but her parents forced her into an arranged marriage with you, of course she is unhappy.
Hire a private investigator to see what’s going on when your not home. Otherwise you risk destroying your marriage over your own paranoia
I’m sorry but you need to leave the relationship
I don’t see why you have to move if its 50km away. I go to school full time which is 56km away from my house. Daily commute. I also work full Time in the complete opposite direction which is 30km from my house. I’d rather spend the nights with my husband even if there’s lots of driving.
Updateme!
50km is… not far at all. It is definitely not “uprooting” your while life type of a distance. It takes like 1 hours to drive this distance, how is it possible that it takes you 3 hours???
Sounds like she is still seeing her ex and that was her main excuse to stay
if you need proof i would set up cameras in your house…and i would hire someone to follow her while you are gone…you need proof brother to make sure her family knows what kind of daughter they have…
Put up some cameras around and inside your house and hire a P.I and don’t tell her anything.
*At this point, my mind immediately jumped to her ex-boyfriend and I asked her if he was at the party. She said and I quote “Why wouldn’t I call my best friend to a party at my house?” ,*
Sorry man, but I think you know already what is going on; she is spending time with ex. Why did she say, “my house” and not “our house”? Man’s voice on phone, leaving some clothing behind, even if it is just a tie, are red flags. Even if you get the proof from a PI or your own cameras, I think you will need to choose between job and her. Best option would be she gave up her job and joined you. If neither one of you are willing to make the tough decision, I don’t have faith your marriage will survive. Good luck.
Ask her straight up if she loves you. I understand arranged marriage is part of your culture and it has worked out amazingly for sooo many couples before you but things have changed a whole lot. Women understand divorce and aren’t afraid of it at all. It is way more common in your culture than it used to be. If she loves this guy, let her go. You have both made a mistake. Why insist on it for 50 years to come.