I’ve been single for a while, I have space in my life for a partner and a desire for a relationship, but I have a constant battle with anxiety about updating my OLD profile and trying to find a match and start the dating game.
I feel like I always have something I need to work on first. Usually it’s losing weight; I’m around 20-30 lbs. over my ideal weight, not in absolutely terrible shape, but it’s an ongoing challenge. But in the past I’ve had this same hangup over all sorts of stuff: working too much, not working enough, health issues, needing a more presentable car, etc.
I am always working on myself. I have professional goals, artistic goals, I like to learn new things, and I’m still committed to losing weight even though it’s hard. But I keep feeling like I need to be a finished product before I can present myself as dateable, though I know that’s not a realistic or achievable goal.
How do you confidently present yourself as someone with value now even while you recognize there are things to improve on? When you meet someone who says “One of my goals is losing weight” do you think “Well, you should have done that before you asked me out?”
11 comments
> I feel like I always have something I need to work on first.
We are constantly evolving until we die or should be in my very strong opinion. You will never be 100% in final form.
> How do you confidently present yourself as someone with value now even while you recognize there are things to improve on?
If you’re not always seeking to improve then honestly I want nothing to do with you. Anyone who thinks they are a finished product can keep walking right by me. It sounds like you are a mature adult. It’s the people who think they never need to grow or improve who are the ones who might need to hold off on dating.
> When you meet someone who says “One of my goals is losing weight” do you think “Well, you should have done that before you asked me out?”
No.
Bc it’s just a commodity market
Don’t mention that you are trying to lose weight. That immediately comes off as insecure or at the least, plants the seed that something is wrong.
You have to be confident in your current self. Then if you find a great partner and happen to do some self improvement along the way, that’s just a nice bonus for them.
Never sell a future version of yourself.
You can like who you are now and still want to work on yourself. I wouldn’t want to date someone that has the mentality “I’m done growing as a person.” If someone is working to change things, great. However, talk is cheap. If someone says they’re working on X, but it doesn’t seem to me like they actually are putting effort in, I will probably bow out. My biggest pet peeve is anyone who complains about something without taking proactive steps to fix it. So if you want to lose weight and are eating healthy and/or working out, great. If you want a better job and are out there looking/applying, great. But if it’s just talk about self improvement, I’m not going to wait around to see if you ever get around to it.
I would mention focusing on healthy habits instead of weight loss. If someone says they’re focusing more on their health, I get that they’re trying to lose weight.
Good luck! None of us are perfect either. It’s our imperfections that often create the strongest connections with others.
Think about where you were 6 mos ago, 1 year ago, 5 years ago and realize how far you’ve come along. Be proud of yourself.
Also, get a friend to help you take pics for your profile and maybe get a profile review
Do you expect everyone on OLD to be finished products? Probably not, right?
If I were you I would do whatever is needed to fix that self esteem of yours. Once that is done, date away! People always have things they wanna improve on, and we are all doing out best. From my understanding there’s a lot of people out there who gained some weight during covid, so I don’t think you are alone in your quest to loose it. But don’t say that you are trying to loose weight, just mention that you are trying to be more healthy and exercise more! Maybe you can even find a exercise buddy! 😀 (if you do, make sure to be ok with them or you not loosing enough weight or whatever. Loosing weight is hard).
So, love yourself a bit more and try to enjoy dating 🙂 Hope you meet someone cool!
You are not a product because you’re not an object. You’re a human being seeking a mutually satisfying connection with another human being.
Self improvement has to be done for yourself. I’ve spent the past three years single and working on myself and I think I’m a much better catch then in my twenties when it was easier for me to find relationships. Even though that is quite sad on some levels it doesn’t feel like a waste because I truly did it for my own benefit.
I wouldn’t bother saying losing weight was a goal to someone early doors. I’m also trying to lose weight but it’s a slow process for me and I’m not going to promise that I’ll achieve x weight. You want someone to be attracted to you in the present, not to your potential.
I think you should consider if there are forms of exercise that make you feel good about your body. I’ve been getting into weightlifting and flexibility because they make me feel so much more body confident whilst also getting me into better shape.
there is no such thing as a finished product. you can always be a little bit more well-suited for the thing you want to be doing than you already are. the key is not to let that get in the way of you doing it anyway
Well we can’t all be alone until we’re perfect, that’s not healthy. Humans are social animals. The ironic thing is when we learn to accept ourselves as we are, we make room for a special person to come into our lives that thinks we are pretty special too.
Go in with confidence and if it’s someone who is accepting of themselves, they will have an open heart and know that no one is perfect and polished.
Dude, give yourself more credit. Not one person on this site has the answer for you and your individual experience. The best thing you can do for yourself is show yourself more love and hopefully love will find you ❤
Having goals, working on yourself, IS what matters! Not having them all achieved before you date. If you were completely perfect and done improving yourself, you’d become kind of unapproachable and somewhat boring. People like to see what you’re striving to achieve, at least the right people do.