We’ve been together 7 years. I’ve always wanted to pick out my engagement ring, so we did that together on our most recent anniversary. We agreed that even though the ring wasn’t a surprise, the proposal would be.
Fast forward half a year. I asked if he has thought about proposing yet, and he said he hadn’t thought about it. I said when he does propose, I want it to be well thought out and special. I shared my dream of being proposed to near water, or on a beach. That’s all I said. He then said that he wouldn’t propose on a beach and “life isnt a fairy tail, you’re expecting a lot”.
I asked what he would like to do instead and he said he didn’t know.
I then asked if he really didn’t know what to do, or if he didn’t want to have to put a lot of effort into doing it. He said “both”. He finished by saying he’s worried if he proposes, I’m going to say no because “whatever I do isn’t going to be good enough for you because it won’t be extravagant enough”.
I was very hurt by this, considering we’ve been together for so long and that I don’t ask for much. I explained I would never say no to him and that I’m offended he thinks I’m that shallow. I just want the moment to feel special, as I consider getting engaged to be one of the most important moments of our lives. He said he doesn’t think it’s that special, that the wedding is more important.
I don’t want to feel as if I’m being picky or demanding. And I really don’t think I am. Am I so wrong for wanting my boyfriend to put some thought and effort into proposing to me, and for wanting the moment to be special to us? Shouldn’t my partner want to make this special for both of us?
47 comments
No, because you just made the proposal all about you. You didn’t let him pick out the ring. You told him HOW he should propose. You already set these unrealistic expectation for him to live up to by telling him your dream proposal and how it needs to be well thought out.
The moment you described is not about the two of you, but just you. It’s not special for the both of you. You took any fun out of that when you just told him exactly what you wanted him to do. All he gets to control in this situation is the date it happens.
You’re feeling hurt. Have you thought about him? He told you something very important, and you completely missed it.
Quote: ***He finished by saying he’s worried if he proposes, I’m going to say no because “whatever I do isn’t going to be good enough for you because it won’t be extravagant enough”.***
He said he’s worried you’ll say no if he fails to make it special enough. He is admitting that he thinks that you care more about the circumstances surrounding the proposal than him. That you would REJECT HIM unless the circumstances allowed you to overcome that objection to say yes. If he truly thought you were that shallow, he’d probably be gone now, so this is probably speaking more to how you’ve made feel throughout this process.
Additional random thoughts:
* If I’m totally honest, if your BF were seeking advice and told his side of the story, I would likely warn him of the red flags you’re exhibiting. I read this post and all I could think was: God help this poor guy when she goes full Bridezilla planning HER “special day”.
* Not trusting him to pick out the engagement ring. The ring isn’t important by itself, it is what it represents. The plain platinum band I bought my wife still got the two responses I hoped for (happy tears and saying yes).
* Must be near water or a beach. Again, the location isn’t important as important as THE ACTUAL REQUEST. Yes, take your partner’s feelings into account. My wife knew I was going to propose, and only asked that it be in private (ie: not at a restaurant, party or sporting event)
* He’s holding off because he doesn’t know what to do. This is a situation of YOUR making. He is afraid of not living up to your expectations. If you hadn’t given him your demands, he wouldn’t feel the pressure and would have likely already proposed.
* Finally, you’ve obviously given a lot of thought to MOMENT of becoming a fiancé and the DAY of being a bride. Have you given any thought to the DECADES of being a good partner? Because in the grand scheme, that’s a hell of a lot more important.
“Is it unreasonable to ask that my future husband find a body of water to propose at?”
In the continuing trend of “how dare women want things” we find out that yes, that’s unreasonable.
Why is everyone jumping on you?? Like they’re saying you’re unreasonable for wanting someone to put in a little effort? They’re saying you’re unreasonable because you wanted the ring you wanted (that GUESS WHAT will be on YOUR finger). You said you wanted to be by water, a lot of women think about their special days. Idk why people are making you seem like a villain when you just wanted something nice and your boyfriend sounds lazy.
“It won’t live up to your standards” actually means: “I know what you want but I’m too lazy to put in any effort. I know you want x y and z but I can’t help but not want to do that because I know I’ll do a shitty job.”
Good luck
Not unreasonable – you made it easy for him by being specific about your wishes and asking him for something reasonably easy to accomplish. You are going to set yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment if you choose to marry someone who thinks you’re silly and overly demanding for wanting to be made to feel special every now and again.
>We’ve been together 7 years.
Still hasn’t proposed after 7 years?
>half a year. I asked if he has thought about proposing yet, and he said he hadn’t thought about it
7 years and it still isn’t important to him. Still hasn’t proposed.
>”life isnt a fairy tail, you’re expecting a lot”.
Let me rephrase “I haven’t cared enough about you to propose in 7 years. Even after picking out a ring, I still don’t care enough to even think about the slightest bit of effort to propose. I expect you to be euphoric if I buy the ring and throw it at you still in the bag.”
>I then asked if he really didn’t know what to do, or if he didn’t want to have to put a lot of effort into doing it. He said “both”.
Seriously. It’s been 7 years, how many ways can he show you he doesn’t care about marrying you or your feelings for that matter?
You’re not picky. You’re not being demanding. You are with the wrong person. He doesn’t care enough to have even done the minimum of getting the ring. He doesn’t care enough to have THOUGHT of how he would propose in 7 years. He doesn’t care about your feelings.
Why would you want to marry someone who cares so little about you and your feelings that he sees no worth in even thinking about a proposal?
This just in: people are apparently not allowed to like the jewelry they want to wear for the rest of their life, and gently asking your longterm partner about furthering your relationship is just too pushy.
Sorry, OP. You deserve better. You’re not asking for anything he can’t do. You’re not demanding a price tag or extravagance. It is a little worrying that he thinks googling “lake near me” and making a dinner reservation is too much work. Maybe he’s nervous, but maybe he doesn’t think effort is needed in this relationship.
Oh my goodness OP please ignore everyone saying you’re “high maintenance” or not thinking about him.
You’ve been together for 7 years. You picked out a ring together (let me add – shame on anyone saying this was all about you. It’s the ring that’s going to be on *your* finger forever, and picking it out together is a sensical thing to do that eliminates lots of stress and potential disaster for both parties). You agreed the proposal would be a surprise.
It’s been six months since then, and he hasn’t even thought about how to propose? He could be overwhelmed because he knows you want it to be special, and he’s said the proposal part isn’t important to him. However, I agree that it’s wildly hurtful for him to say that you’d say no if he didn’t do it right.
You’re not asking for anything “extravagant” – it sounds like you just want some thought. Being proposed to is a moment many people daydream about their whole lives, and being near some water is not even close to a high expectation.
I see some people arguing that he doesn’t think the proposal is important, so you should reevaluate how important it is to you. Wrong. Think about it this way. Let’s say as a hypothetical, your husband doesn’t like to celebrate his birthday. You like to celebrate yours. Nothing crazy, no giant party, but it’s important to you for it to be a little bit special. Who would the asshole be if your husband decided not to do anything for your birthday because he doesn’t celebrate his? Would it be you for not lowering your expectations, or would it be him for refusing to put a little bit of thought into something he knows is important to you?
You are not asking for too much. He should care about making this special for you. If he is really SO against the idea of putting in effort, he should have never promised to do it in the first place. If he has been struggling with how to do it for six months, he should have said something. It’s not fair to you to be left waiting in the dark for so long while he’s apparently not even been thinking about it. I hope you two can have a productive conversation about what his hang ups are, and best of luck OP.
I’m not trying to be cruel, I’m just wondering if you’re wanting to get married because you’ve invested seven years with him, and he doesn’t care, maybe even wants you to get mad and break up with him because he can’t be bothered to do that. You’re not exactly making him sound like a great catch, so again, do you love this man? Or does he “owe you” after all this time?
Quite frankly, you both sound exhausting and toxic. I’m willing to bet $$$ you pressured/nagged him into buying a ring. He’s not proposing because he doesn’t want to marry. If he really wanted to marry, he’d have done it by now. I know this isn’t the answer you wanted, but please face facts. You deserve better.
Are his parents divorced? This is a conversation you need to have asap. I don’t think you’re on the same page, relationship wise.
Are you in love with this man? Is this who you really want to spend the rest of your life with?
I don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting something special at all. So is it truly any body of water, or is it a body of water in an ultra-exclusive resort in Turks and Caicos? Any body of water means you’d be happy with a proposal by the pool at the gym. I think you want more than that, and that’s fine. But is it something he can afford?
Ultimately, find someone who matches your energy-someone who thinks the world of you and wants to give it to you. Do it now before you waste any more years on him and end up with kids he has no interest in parenting. I promise, waiting for the right one is worth it.
OP. This is ridiculous. First of all, if this is how you guys communicate and problem solve before marriage, how are you going to survive down the line when life gets even harder?
First of all, let’s discuss the feelings involved here. This is very important to you, you have communicated the proposal is important, you have expressed that you want to feel special and so on. Your boyfriend then has the choice to choose your feelings or his thoughts. In your situation he is outright telling you that he does not want to support your feelings here and is telling you to lower the bar. It is also immensely immature that he is saying he feels you will not accept the proposal if it is not to par. In honesty there I would take that as my partner just doesn’t want to marry me, if that isn’t the case, then they need to mature.
When our partners have feelings on something we can disagree with their perspective but still support their feelings. That is HUGE, please do not downplay this. Your boyfriend can think a proposal by the water is stupid all he wants, but if it is important to you it should be important to him. At that point he is deciding that what you want is not important to him.
Again to reiterate, just because a proposal isn’t special to him doesn’t mean it isn’t special to you. If it’s special to you it should be special to him. It’s perfectly fine for him to emphasize the wedding over the proposal, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t support you in your wants here.
Seriously, what expense is it to him really to do it FOR YOU even if it is not something HE values?
The bar is low and your partner wants to bring it even lower. Please reflect upon how you will work out compromise, communication, and conflict resolution together. Also consider if this is what you want in a life partner? Somebody who basically says your feelings are stupid and will not be accommodated.
Honestly, you’re not asking for too much, he’s not putting in enough effort. I’d be questioning his intentions at this point, and questioning whether I’d want to be married to someone like that.
Is he like this in other aspects? Not wanting to put in an effort. Not wanting to do something simple to make you happy.
This guy is not enthusiastically about getting married. I don’t get the point of already having an engagement ring and having it sitting there for over half a year.
If he is not putting any effort in proposing and making a decision of proposing, he is not going to put effort in the marriage. He doesn’t sound like he cares enough.
You should really think if he puts effort and thought in the relationship. Or is he just going with the motions of being in relationship because he is lazy?
Sounds like he’s complacent in the relationship and doesn’t value you as a partner.
Your partner should want to make this a special occasion for the two of you. He should be excited to propose. He should WANT to propose to you.
Life is NOT a fairy tale, so there are very few moments in life that count as similar to ‘fairy tales.’
But at the very least, you should be with a man who wants to marry you with a GLAD HEART.
Not with someone who scoff at you asking for a proposal by the beach or a body of water.
71% of the earth is covered in water. He could find some if he wanted to.
I don’t think you’re expecting a lot at all! I get that not everyone cares about proposals. And that’s fine.
BUT
I feel that if you genuinely love someone, and you know something would mean a lot to them and it’s not even a huge effort on your part, you do it for them, just because the idea of making them happy brings you joy.
I’m not currently in a relationship. But I am in love with someone. And if I knew that this person would really feel appreciated and loved if I did a particular thing, I would do that thing, even if it was something I’d previously thought was silly. Why? Because I love the idea of making him feel loved, the idea of him getting excited about something I’ve done for him. And if it was something I didn’t feel I could do for whatever reason, I would never want him to feel stupid for wanting it.
And it’s perfectly natural to want your partner to feel that way about you. That’s not wanting a fairy tale. It’s wanting to feel loved. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
you’re asking for the bare minimum 😭 a beach proposal is actually quite simple and elegant and not at all extravagant.
new series on “how when women are sure they want something in a particular way, the man gets pissed off”
If he thinks you’re gonna say no why is he with u at all
This is such a ridiculous ‘tradition’. You’ve decided to get married, and bought a ring. You’re already engaged ffs. Some staged event where he presents you with a ring and you act surprised is just cringeworthy.
So the crux of the issue here is that the actual event of the proposal is more important to you than it is to him. So, genuine question: why don’t you propose to him?
Essentially is what you are saying is that you want to stick to the archaic notion that it should be the man who proposes, but you want autonomy over the logistics of how it happens.
Not to be rude, but I wouldn’t be okay with that either.
I mean… proposing by a body of water is not “extravagant”. I guess this varies by where you’ll live but I seriously doubt it takes much time or resources to find a pretty lake or beach. You’re not asking for a proposal at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
The bar doesn’t have to be on the floor. Sounds like he’s comfortable and doesn’t think he has to put in effort anymore.
You did the hard work for him already. You found a ring and he knows you love it. You told him you want to be proposed to near water/beach. He literally has to do the bare minimum. What is his problem?
Uh, why don’t YOU be the one to put the thought and effort into it? Why don’t YOU propose? YOU’RE the one who finds it important, so YOU should be the one to make it important.
Insisting that the man propose to the woman, and be the one to spend heavy dollars on a ring, is just sexist as all fuck. Get over yourself and plan your perfect proposal TO HIM.
It will be as perfect as YOU make it.
EDIT: after trying to figure out why these other responses are pissing me off so much I finally realized that it’s because everyone seems to think that only OP’s wishes matter here. that getting engaged is THE WOMAN’S moment and everything about it is performative. The man has to propose, he has to hock half a year (or two or three years’) worth of earnings to buy a ring, and he has to perform the proposal well enough to satisfy HER.
BUT WHAT TF IS SHE DOING FOR *HIM* DURING ALL OF THIS? This whole engagement hunger smacks of the age-old sexist notion that women don’t want sex so men have to pay for their sex with marriage and expensive baubles. A woman can’t want marriage more than a man; he has to PROVE HE WANTS IT BY PROPOSING. A woman can’t propose bc then HE HASN’T PROVEN HE WANTS IT.
But why are we so confused about men not wanting all this shit when so much is EXPECTED of them and NOTHING is offered to them that gives them benefit or enjoyment? OF COURSE he just wants to get married. He can at least have a good time at the wedding, and afterwards he’ll, hopefully, feel closer to his partner and enjoy the benefits of marriage. But EVERYTHING before that is just a financial and emotional burden on him, and a PERFORMATIVE one, and he gets nothing out of it except pleasing his partner. It’s SO UNEQUAL and SO INSULTING to the intelligence and agency of both partners.
He’s setting you up for the rest of your life op. Is this really what you want?
Are people really upset op picked her ring? Isn’t that common?
I can understand having input on the ring because it’s sonething you wear everyday and you should like it but i don’t get women telling their partners how they want the proposal to go. If you’re deciding that why not just propose to yourself? Why can’t the guy just figure out how he wants to do it? I just watched jim propose to Pam on the Office and in spite of it being at a gas station quick mart, it’s a totally romantic proposal. Ben proposed to Leslie in the house they were looking to rent. Also a romantic proposal. It’s not the location that makes it memorable or romantic, it’s the circumstances and the intent.
>I know he loves me
I beg to differ.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. He’s indifferent. He doesn’t even think you’re worth the bare minimum of effort.
Why do you even want to marry someone who clearly doesn’t want to marry *you*? He’s dragging his feet and still hasn’t proposed in *7 years*!
Don’t you deserve someone who enthusiastically wants to marry you and see you happy?
Newsflash: the two of you have already agreed to get married, therefore you are already engaged. I’m not saying there is no value in a grand romantic gesture. You are allowed to want what you want and feel how you feel. But you are already engaged. My suggestion is that you look deep inside and make sure that what you are in love with is the person rather than being in love with love. If the person is what you want, you can satisfy your need for a romantic, magical moment by working with him to celebrate the commitment you have already agreed to. Whether that takes the form of an engagement party in which the two of you read romantic poetry to each other, or a weekend getaway, or something else, the sky is the limit.
Your partner does not sound excited about being married to you at all. If he can’t even take the effort to propose to you next to a body of water, imagine how little effort he’s actually going to put into the marriage.
My husband and I started dating when he still had 2 years of college left. When he finished and got a job, he spent his first paycheck on a sapphire for my engagement ring and proposed a month or two later. We were both super excited to get married and we still have ups and downs in our marriage.
Do you really want to marry someone who doesn’t want to put any effort into a milestone moment like this? If he won’t even meet this moment, what makes you think he will support you through life’s hard moments?
It honestly doesn’t seem like he cares about you or wants to get married.
So first off I don’t see this as a red flag. People will make this out to be that he isn’t that committed to you but I ask that you envision this:
Some people are bad at gestures. They are not able to be thoughtful gift givers. They just either worry too much about the end point that they are too anxious to try.
I am a gestures and gifting person. I live for making my partner smile and feel appreciated through work I do for them. My partner is not. It stresses him out thinking of how it will go wrong. He is the kind of person who considers time the greatest commodity so spending time with me is a big gesture. Sometimes I need a gesture and I tell him but I also tell him what kinds I would like.
Now, that being said, I will not go armchair psychologist on your bf. I will go by his words. If you have a planned out proposal in mind and are EXPECTING your mind’s vision you either need to go over every detail with him or have him propose how he’s comfortable.
Sounds like he bought the ring as a way to tide you over in the proposal/wedding department. It’s like getting a “shut up” ring but it’s sitting in his underwear drawer.
It sounds like he’s not even all that interested in marrying tbh. Everything he is saying to your more-than-reasonable request sounds like he has no issue waiting and doesn’t want to put forth any effort.
Let this also serve as a warning as to how he will be as a husband.
OP, here’s some perspective.
I knew my ex liked water and a nice view, so just for his bday I booked a really fancy air bnb with a view of the ocean you could see while sitting in a pool. It was over 7k.
While there, he complained.
I had an epiphany there. He had never, not once, done something special for my bday. He was always making the laziest choice possible, and complaining about what I did even when it was extravagant.
The conclusion is obvious in my situation, and also in yours. Some people make the effort, others don’t.
I’m hoping you don’t live in Oklahoma or something and actually live next to a beach.
I’m so sorry OP.
It sounds like your boyfriend has gotten far to comfortable in this relationship and doesn’t care about making the engagement special. Take a good long think about this because if he won’t make the engagement special, I can guarantee your wedding, anniversaries, birthdays and holidays won’t be special either.
If you can live with this, (sounds like you can’t), then reconsider the relationship altogether and maybe part ways while there are still good feelings.
There is no right answer here. It’s objectively not a big ask, but the proposal style is also objectively not important. Each of you just thinks your feelings are more important than the other person’s. Not a great way to start a marriage, in my opinion.
You aren’t wrong in wanting it to feel special but maybe it’s also a lot of expectation to the details ? You should maybe ask him if he sees you and him in a future together married. And if his answer is he doesn’t know, it may be time to move on.
This whole thing is culturally confusing to me, what exactly is he supposed to be “proposing” if it’s already a done deal? Given this assignment, I would feel silly and afraid of disappointing, too. You two may not be culturally compatible, but if things are otherwise good between you, I strongly recommend the book “Getting the love you want” by Harville Hendrix. He has a technique called Mirroring that is amazingly helpful when you are feeling hurt, angry, and confused by your partner.
I get your point. Every woman or most women want the fairytale but good luck. There’s something deeper going on here. After 7 years it seems that both of you don’t really know each other. You want special, is that on the beach with fire works or a violinist or both? Or, a picnic on the beach well decorated with dinner under the stars? Or, could he, roll over, if you guys live together, don’t want to assume, say, “good morning, I like waking up to you, it’s the best part of my day, let’s keep this feeling going, marry me, make it official?” Is that ok? Listen, I love the fairytale as well. Good luck, I hope when he tries, you’re happy with whatever he says.
Now my red flag is, he really doesn’t want to get married, 7 years is enough and he’s going along to get along and doing what’s expected but, he’s trying to find aways to frustrate you to the point where you end the relationship. Hope not but again, good luck?
Maybe just propose to him instead?
On other note, you may have put him in an uncomfortable scenario. After you shared all that with him, he feels like he may not be able to accomplish it, or at least not in the high level that he understood you wanted him to be able to. He’s anxious about it, not sure what to do, because every opportunity will just “not be good enough”.
He is communicating something important to you and you aren’t listening to him.
He is saying that he’s not excited to marry you. He’s saying it’s not important to him.
Please hear him.
I think that you’re being a bit much.. just be grateful
My husband drove me 14 hours one way, to the ocean, because I wanted to be proposed to by the ocean. We were supposed to switch off halfway but he didn’t wake me up because he “wanted me to be fully awake for when he asked” and made sure that we went to an expensive omakase restaurant for dinner that night.
Your guy sounds like a lazy loser
My fiancé proposed without a ring late one night while we were in bed in our sweatpants watching American Dad. Both of us consider it perfect.
You and your bf have compatibility issues when it comes to romance. More than that, I’d be super put off that he’s had the ring for six months and hasn’t even thought about giving it to you. I think you need to have a serious conversation about how you both see your future before you waste any more time with each other.
Wanting it to be special is normal and reasonable and so is wanting to be proposed to within a certain amount of time of picking out the ring. But the planning out thing? I’ve never understood that. Maybe he finds it weird too and would prefer to just spontaneously get down on one knee during a random sweet moment when he’s reminded of why he loves you.
Old lady comment: Millions of successful marriages started with a question at dinner or while discussing the future. Proposal used to signify an offer (and hopefully an agreement) not an event
Is he likely to make dramatic gestures or public displays unless requested? I suspect he’s a little confused as to what is expected and feeling pressure
I find you saying where you want to be proposed to weird if you want the proposal to be a surprise. On his end, he shouldn’t have to be told to make it special because if he loves you and knows that you like that sort of thing, he’d make the effort. If he doesn’t do it on a beach or near a body of water, would you resent him?
Maybe he doesn’t want to make a huge scene?
My husband proposed to me in our backyard during a summer evening with just the two of us. It was low key but intimate. Not all proposals have to be grand and over the top.