I’m on a throwaway as my friends know my main account-
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For some backstory, my now-ex-girlfriend and I met in middle school. We were on and off friends for years, before finally getting together after a rocky start at the end of our sophomore year of high school. We dated for over a year, but I’ve now moved away for a summer internship and will stay where I currently am for college in the fall.
When we started dating, it was amazing. We’d talk for hours on end, we were wildly attracted to each other, and everything just clicked. But, as the relationship went on, it felt like things became both routine and less and less exciting. Though I used to love going over and sitting on the couch, snuggling and watching movies with her, the longer it went on the less excited I was to go. After a while of dating, we talked of our lives together and made future plans together, but I found myself seeing less of this future, wanting less of this future, the longer we stayed together.
I finally got to a point where I felt done. I wasn’t excited by her or the relationship, I didn’t look forward to spending time with her, I didn’t particularly enjoy time spent talking through text or FaceTime. I felt ready to be out of the relationship, and while visiting home, I ended things with her. I was really shocked with how it hit me, though. During the breakup itself, I felt crushed. I can’t exactly explain why, but it just made me so sad for it to be over. I was hit with waves of sorrow for the entire day. The following days weren’t as crushing, but I can’t stop questioning whether I did the right thing.
I ended things with her this previous Friday. As I said, before I ended things, I really felt done. Now, though, I can’t help but reflect on all the good parts of our relationship. There really were so many. Looking back, I really didn’t appreciate how much she cared for me enough. It was nice having someone out there for me, someone who cares to talk about my day with, and someone that feels loving and familiar. Even generally speaking, she is an amazing person. She’s so kind, caring, attractive, and I know that objectively she’d be a great partner. Not to mention, I really felt crushed after breaking up. I felt like I truly lost someone, and even now, she is someone I truly want in my life.
I can’t help but wonder if I didn’t try enough to make things work, and if I had, if I’d be happier in a relationship with her. I didn’t love going and sitting on the couch snuggling for hours on end, but is that reasonable of me? Is that realistic to ask or expect? Do adult, ‘soulmate’ couples enjoy that? I did like doing other things with her – we had similar food tastes so we enjoyed going to dinner together, we went to movies and enjoyed those – maybe I should have tried more activities? I didn’t enjoy sitting on FaceTime with her at the end, but I also don’t like talking to anybody on FaceTime. I like doing things while I talk to people, not sitting in place getting restless and feeling like I have to entertain. Then again, I did enjoy having long conversations with her at the beginning, so is that spark just lost? But going back again, we’ve FaceTimed a couple times this week as friends and on one I really enjoyed seeing her face and talking to her, but the second I felt anxious and couldn’t wait to get off.
I guess the advice I’m looking for here is, where do I go from here. Did I just throw away a really amazing thing that I should’ve tried harder to make work? Would going back to her and trying to be happy with her make sense, or would that just be settling into something I’d regret in the long run? Is settling right/usual? She’s a really amazing person that my family loves, that loves my family, and that I’d be lucky to call a partner and eventual wife/mother of my kids, but despite the logical part of me seeing this, I just can’t bring myself to be effortlessly excited about being with her. Should something like that be effortless though? Should I feel a constant sense of excitement around my partner, or just recognition that my partner is really great and good for me? Or, should I write the whole thing off as great while it lasted and set out to find someone that is somehow better for me? I really just don’t know, and I’m hoping someone can help.
Thank you.
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TLDR: I broke up with my girlfriend of over a year after becoming bored in the relationship, but now I can’t help but remember all the good things and wonder if going back and settling with her would be such a bad thing after all.
1 comment
First let me say, this post is written with an emotional intelligence and maturity well beyond your years. I hope that doesn’t come across as condescending.
Now some people will tell you they’ve been married for 60 years and are exactly as excited by their partner as the first day they met. I think that says more about their personality than the way relationships should look. I’m not as excited by my partner as when I met her nearly twenty years ago but I love her with all my heart and wouldn’t trade it for the world.
So what should you do? I can’t say. We both know you are young and that it is very unlikely that this girl is “the one”. But, it is possible. No one here can tell you if she is or isn’t. But if you approach this and every relationship with this much thoughtfulness and maturity, I think you’ll do just fine.