I (23f) have been dating my bf (23m) about a year, and he is sweet, genuine, loyal, kind, and attractive. But my heart just doesn’t feel a spark anymore. I have lost interest in him and have no desire to be physical with him, or even hang out with him. I still have love for him and care about him deeply, but I feel the relationship has run its course for me.
He’s still very much in love with me and it breaks my heart that I’m going to destroy such a tender soul. I have been going through some personal issues that have made me become distant from him. I just want to be alone in this stage of my life. And I know it’s not fair to him to stay in a one sided relationship. Can anyone please give me some advice on how to break up with him in the gentlest way possible? I feel beyond shitty, and I hate that I’m going to cause him so much pain.
tldr: need advice for breaking up with the perfect guy
9 comments
I’m in the same boat honestly…
Its true that he will be hurt by the breakuo. However, it would be even more cruel to string him along , knowing you dont love him. You are only prolonging the inevitable, but it is kinder to let him know sooner, so he can heal and then move on with his life.
I am in the same boat right now. I have been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now and am realizing that although we get along great and have had nothing but positive experiences with each other (no fights, no obvious red flags, etc.) it is the right thing to do and the relationship has run its course. It is a situation where the relationship can without a doubt continue, but if I did keep going with it, it will only make the inevitable hurt more for them, which I do not want to happen.
I personally am planning on approaching the breakup at her place, and at the beginning of the weekend, which will give her a few days to just process everything. I do truly care about this person, but the problem is I can’t say I *love* them. It’s weird because I do love who they are, just not in that way that would consummate a long term relationship. I also plan on making it clear that this is a me decision and not on them. I don’t want them to think that they did something wrong or made a mistake, because I am planning on breaking up for very similar reasons.
With that said, I really like this person, and we have enhanced eachothers lives, so I would love to keep a friendship after. I plan on giving them as much time as they need with no contact until we are both ready to potentially move forward. At first, I felt really bad about doing this to them, but ultimately, with the help of some strategic conversations, I was able to see how strong minded they are, and I think that is one of the main reasons I am able to live with this decision. I know it is going to kill them for a while, and they will be heartbroken, but I am also positive they will be able to move forward as time heals all.
I just hope they will be able to find a relationship where they can be treated with unconditional love, because just like your BF, my GF is such a sweet soul and I want the best for her
You’re saying yourself that your personal problems are the cause of your fading attraction. Why don’t you try to fix them instead of letting go of the ‘perfect guy’?
When you truly lose love, communicate it. It’s so much better for all parties involved.
I always wonder about this…at some point we’re always going to fall in and out of love. Why do we think of relationships and love as something that’s supposed to be burning with intense passion all the time. Isn’t that exhausting? Isn’t there always going to be someone we find more attractive physically, mentally, financially? At what point do we stop?
So what is love? What are we seeking despite these fundamental truths.
Do we just automatically be in love with someone? Or…is the secret to CHOOSE to love someone? As much as it’s a feeling it’s also a choice. When does this cycle of being with someone then losing the spark then dumping them…then going through the process again and again and again with multiple partners.
Communicate with him about how you feel, and reassure him that you aren’t leaving him for someone else. Matter of fact, stay off of Tinder or whatever hook up app that’s out there for a few months so you can work on yourself and if he was to find out either himself or one of your mutual acquaintances that you started dating someone else or have a fresh dating profile it will hurt his feelings. You’re still young, so you don’t know what you really want out of life. You may grow and mature some more over the next few years and you may not want to burn that bridge to the ground because he may be the man of your dreams a few years from now. No point in wasting time, so just get it over with. He’s probably already picked up on how you’ve withdrawn from him recently.
> I’m going to destroy such a tender soul
You’re..really not.
Yes, a break-up will hurt him, but it’s not going to “destroy his soul”. You’re not sending him to the firing squad. Don’t look at it as “I’m going to cause him so much pain”, look at it as “I am going to free him to find someone who thinks he’s absolutely perfect for them”.
Also, start exploring the difference between Empathy and Compassion.
Empathy: he’s going to be SO upset when I break up with him, I can just imagine how heartbroken he’s going to feel, what kind of terrible person am I to put him through that kind of pain???
Compassion: this relationship has run its course and he’s going to feel hurt and sad when we break up. I owe it to him to treat him with dignity and respect, but it’s better for both of us if we go our separate ways than to stay in a relationship that I’m not fully invested in. I have no doubt that after a grieving period, he will be able to find someone who loves and appreciates him just as he is.
You do it and you make it clear that there isn’t anything wrong with him but in order to clear up your life and figure out what you want for your future you need to be alone.