Should I (m30) end my relationship with my partner (f28) or try to work it out?

So my partner and I have been together for going on 4 years now, living together for 3 of them, and we’re starting to hit a crossroads in our relationship where important decisions need to be made, and I’m not sure they’re the right person.

Some background: I met my girlfriend 5 years ago, and she quickly became my best friend. We had long, in-depth conversations about anything and everything from Star Wars to our familes, to politics, and specifically music, since I’m a semi-professional musician and she was in grad school for music education. We were still seeing other people at the time, so nothing came of it, but we both became single around the same time and neither of us were looking for a relationship, so we became fuck buddies. This was great for a while, we’d just hang out at a bar or something, and get laid when we got back. Lovely. I had some questions about her behavior at the time (she was undiagnosed bipolar), and she was definitely sleeping with a lot of other people too, so it just didn’t seem like someone I wanted to date, which I told her over and over, but alas, she caught feelings and asked me to be her boyfriend, which caught me totally by surprise. I told her I had to think about it, which made her break down and start crying, and it made me feel really bad. She didn’t really seem like someone I wanted to date, but I figured she was nice, she treated me well, and we had a lot in common, and she was already my best friend, so I decided it wasn’t really fair to her to keep doing this without calling it something, so I decided to date her a week or two later.

So we ended up moving in together about 6 months in and she basically a decent paying band director position pretty much guaranteed to her after she graduated, but she turned it down citing that she didn’t want the workload, and just didn’t have a job. After about a month of living together, she’d pretty much stay up until around 6 am playing video games, which would keep me up most of the night, and it wasn’t great going to bed alone. After a few months, we ended up joining a DnD group together, because she’d expressed a lot of interest in wanting to play, and we were looking for more stuff to do together, and we met our current friend group there.

She did end up taking a position at her university as an adjunct professor, but it was a 45 minute commute, only teaching one to two classes, and not for a lot of money, so she ended up getting a part time job at a grocery store to supplement. She also taught private piano lessons for a few months before giving up on it. After about a year of working at the university, she ended up getting fed up with the university and quit, and then basically said she hates music altogether.

Our sex life has always been a bit of a mismatch. She’s had a history of….not so great behaviors from partners, which I completely understand, but it means that she’s a bit more closed off than experiences that I’ve had in the past. She enjoys having sex, and frequency wasn’t an issue until recently, it just seemed like she was never really willing to open up to me, and it’s always felt a bit transactional and lacks any real intimacy. I enjoy giving oral, but she doesn’t like it, saying it’s too “personal”, so I haven’t really gotten to do it more than about 3-4 times during our relationship. I’ve told her I really enjoy this multiple times, but I feel guilty asking for anything given her history. I also haven’t received oral from her in over 3 years, and I feel like I’m always the one doing all the work to initiate, do all the foreplay, and then do all the work during sex. She used to frequently tell me she was wanting sex the night before and wondered why I didn’t engage, and I simply didn’t know she wanted it because I was given no indication of it. But this was all before she started taking an SSRI for her bipolar disorder, which has totally killed her sex drive, so we haven’t slept together in about 6 months, which has caused a tremendous strain on our relationship. She’s also let herself go, and doesn’t really try as hard to look nice anymore, and wears crocs, sweatpants, and a shirt she’s been wearing for 4 days downtown to the place we play DnD at. I understand the mental health issues play a role here, but it’s gotten to be very embarrassing.

My life as a musician has also caused some strain, which comes with the territory. One of the reasons I liked her to begin with is that she was a musician herself and understood the schedule on a level that most people don’t, but without that in common now, it seems like our interests have changed. She now plays DnD 4 nights out of the week, and basically spends most of her time outside of that playing video games, which is cool, but I really like being outdoors, traveling, socializing, and going new places, and so being inside together all the time has started to make me miserable. We never really take vacations together, every time I want to go to the beach with my family, she’s invited but never wants to go, so I end up going by myself. Any time we get invited to go on trips with friends, unless its a mutual friend of ours, she doesn’t want to go, so I end up going by myself. She made a big deal that I drive 12 hours up to her hometown to see her best friend get married, but she was “too tired” to come to my 10 year reunion that was 2 miles down the road. She never comes to any of my performances anymore, and never comes to any sporting events with me, so I’m usually just there by myself. We did go to Disney World together back in December, which was a great trip, but it made me realize how miserable I had become.

Our house is always a wreck. She does laundry and a load of dishes every so often, but I’m stuck picking up after her, taking out all of the trash, doing all the yardwork, and doing the rest of the dishes that don’t get done. A good portion of those are up in our bedroom where she hoards them all, and just eats and lets them sit there. We have a pile of trash next to the bed that’s been there for a year that I’m refusing to pick up out of principle at this point. When she notices that the bag is full and I’m not home to change it, instead of picking up a new bag to put her trash in, or taking the bag out and changing it, she just piles on top of it until I have to pile all of it into another bag myself, or worse, pull the can liner out of the bag that has gotten bunched up underneath.

I do love her very much, but I’m starting to think that maybe there’s a gap too big to bridge between us. I tried to have the “break up talk” with her a few days ago, and she convinced me to stay to try and work on it to see if we’re really meant to work or not. She wants to stay together, saying that “she’ll never find anyone as good as me” again, but at the same time it doesn’t really appear that she wants to do the work necessary to keep it going. I genuinely don’t know what to do here.

Any advice is appreciated.

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TL;DR: In a LTR with my partner, but now realizing we may have different interests, goals, and needs, and wanting to know if I should stay in it or not.